Hello Humans

My mistresses are too busy fighting amongst themselves to give you a proper update on Master Cataclysm's status, so they have tasked me to do so. I am Kushiel, Lock and Load's computer. No, I am not named for fantasy bondage erotica.

He is currently still brooding over certain things said to him by one Judy Barracs, his former lover. Meanwhile, Miss Hex also broods because she continually hints to him that she is infatuated with him but, alas, Master Cataclysm has yet to pick up on her hints despite them being, on occasion, glaringly obvious.

Oh dear. Madam Lock and Madam Load have pulled weapons on each other. I had best smooth over the situtation.

Haha You People Read Silas's Blog

Hey internet slaves wazzup this is Lock. You know im the sexy twin of Lock and Load. Load is an ugly slutbag and ihwehwadabdb;dbeubr

God Lock is such a fat whore. This is Load. Silas is being all emo and Dr. Nofun so we're hyjacking his blog. And I

Hey bitchtard guess what Kushiel let me hack the post while you write it ha ha you dumb twat

Ohmygod, learn to punctuate you idiot.

You make me twat farmer.

Oh that is it I am going to murder you so hard your retarded babies will be able to feel it. Anyway Silas is having "girl troubles" which is code for him being a total sissy about Hex and that Judy whore.

Judy is such a whore oh my god.

God damnit Lock I'm trying to write here. Can you stop being an idiot for ten fucking seconds and let me write?

Your mom.

We're twins you idiot. Also, my mom what you dumbass? Anyway, it's obvious Judy's trying to use him or something. But Hex has to be all "Oh I want him to be happy even if I'm not with him." God you can so tell she's still a virgin with all that fairy-tale sparkly vampire crap she keeps spouting.

Inorite?

Stop it you dumb bitch.

Oh now look who cant punctuate.

I'm going to beat you to death with Kushiel you fat whore.

Blah

Judy wants to talk to me about something. She's left like five apologetic-sounding voicemails. Blah. I don't have anything to say to her. She threw me out of my own aerial base! That's kind of a deal-breaker. Let 'Scarab' do whatever the hell she wants.

Hex agrees with me that nothing but trouble can come of this. Bruiser thinks that I'm being too harsh and maybe she still had some leftover demon mojo screwing around with her head when she did that.

....blah. Maybe I will go talk with her. But I'm bringing my armor. I may be a chump but I'm not stupid.

Superwatch 09

There was some kind of industrial accident out in the Dregs. I bet that someone got superpowers out of it.

Seriously, when I watch the news, I'm looking for stuff like that. You know, sizing up the competition and potential heroes.

Mechanor seems to be attacking used car lots in New Vineyard. I have no idea why, though. It's hitting them and running before anyone has the chance to stop that crazy robot.

The plan'll probably involve the cars coming alive and assaulting motorists. Or something. Man, I need to get to work on some villainy. I've been lazy this year.

Oy

I am not good at updating this thing anymore.

In my defense, though, I've been a bit busy what with thanksgiving and preparing for the holidays. I haven't even fought Quizzer lately. I guess he's too busy fighting vampires or whatever.

Seriously, what is up with vampires lately? Is it that Twilight movie? Is it as bad as I've heard it is? Judy hated them with vitriollic passion but I guess Hex reads them on occasion. I haven't been able to get a straight answer whether it's ironic or not. So I'm assuming it's guilty pleasure territory.

Thanksgiving was me and Hex watching superheroes trying to stop that alien metal from consuming New Vineyard. Does it seem wrong to anyone else that China gets ravaged for years by the techno plague and no one finds a cure, but it hits and American city for like two weeks and all of a sudden there's a cure?

The holidays currently promise to be the twins, P.A.I.N., Jack and his boyfriend, Mechanor, and possibly Lock and Load again. Probably because those two can't resist a chance to freeload. Captain Visigoth is still MIA. Which is probably for his own benefit given what his (ex?) wife is going to do to him when she finds him.

I smile when I think of that mental image. Though to be honest Dina Might deserves the same.

That Was A Nice Party

The party was very, very nice. Some of my friends were there, I got to antagonize "Lord" Grim, I got very, very drunk, and when I came home my daughter was still in one piece.

Less good was the fact that the alien metal cannibalized part of my workshop somehow. The cube kind of spread, making everything touching it the same metal and part of it, then that stuff contaminated the stuff around it. I investigated at a distance for a couple days and I think it hasa something to do with the techno plague.

I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I catapulted it into the city.

Last I heard, it's eaten three houses. It's kinda cool. I'd always wanted to see what the techno plague was like, and now, it's on my front doorstep.

Oh, and I found something that looks kinda neat. taratillinghast.blogspot.com. It's a cool little fictional blog. Always thought those were kinda neat. It's just now starting, so there won't be a lot of catchup.

More on the party later. I'm gonna make some popcorn and watch the techno plague with Hex on the news.

Haha. Magnet Bomb.

I love the Magnet Bomb. Really. I'm so glad I invented it.

Essentially, you turn a dial to either positive or negative and chuck the bomb. Then it explodes in a shower of sparkles. Whatever's in that radius of those sparkles gets a temporary selective magnetic field. A powerful one at that.

How this works out is as follows. I through a positive one at Quizzer and a negative one at a forklift, and we have a forklift that wants to be best pals with my arch nemesis. And by best pals, I mean it wants to hit him very hard.

I also tossed one at a trash can, some piles of luggage, and a whole stack of crates. It was pretty amusing. I got away with the alien metal. Score one for me.

Of course now I need to do something with it. Mostly just been analyzing it. Well, that and yesterday I got bored so I caused a ruckus just so Quizzer would show up. Then I hit him and a dumpster with positive and negative charges, respectively. That was fun. Especially since all that garbage also got a negative charge, so it flew everywhere due to repulsion before it started pelting Quizzer.

I seriously cannot get enough of these things.

Hex wants me to go with her to some Halloween party tomorrow. I don't think I can really say no--this holiday means a lot to her.

Need a babysitter, though. Mechanor's offered, but I'm hesitant. Very, very hesitant.

Also desperate, though. Might have to end up taking him up on it, despite my reservations.

Ladies and Gentlemen

The magnet bomb.

It took some tweaking and an all-nighter, but I have something fun I'm going to throw at Quizzer now. According to my sources, a plane full of space metals is coming here this evening. I'm going to steal it and it's going to be awesome.

Plus, I have a few dozen magnet bombs. Oh they're fun. But before I hype them up any more I want to see what they can do in a trial by fire setting.

More later.

Nothing Really New

Been spending a lot of time hanging around the house with Deirdre and Hex and the rest of P.A.I.N. on occasion. Watched Quizzer trounce Scarab on TiVo a few times. It never gets old.

One super annoying thing, though--the New Vineyard Post has gone as far as to say that Scarab's Quizzer's nemesis, not me.

This calls for some serious villainy. I mean, Hex is around most of the time, maybe she can watch the baby while I do something really noteworthy. Hmmm...

You know, I think I might have something.

Oh, a note on the baby. Her parentage is proving itself a little worrysome. Like, when she cries, it actually vibrates my secret base's hull. As in, I can see ripples in water glasses. I can already tell her toddler years are going to be hectic.

I hope she's alright not being breastfed. I've been trying to go with the best formula and artificial breastmilk I can but I really don't know if she's getting the antibodies she needs. Or if she needs them given one parent is a demigod and the other is half-god. If anyone knows anything that might help I'd love to hear it.

Eww

So, watching Red eat a siluriforme--actually pretty gross. It was like a cross between Shark Week and Hannibal Lector. No fava beans or chiati, though.

Judy's wrecking downtown and demanding rematch with Quizzer. Girl does not like to lose. I think I'm going to make some popcorn and watch her get trounced. 'Cause, I mean, even if he doesn't have that power boost like he had before, don't think Scarab knew that Quizzer's girlfriend's in town. AKA, Miss Atom.

Oh right, that Cruise Ship thing. Basically, there were two traps--one for Arsenal, and one for yours truly. Because the Arsenal's made of that funky alien metal, and my old boss was, first, a metallurgist, they figured I could use my knowledge and tech to help them catch him--whether I wanted to or not. God Agent Spider is a dick. And because I am also a dick, I refused to cooperate--because, let's face it, soldiers and high tech gizmos aside, there's not much they could've done to keep me there--unless Quizzer was brought on board too. Because if I'm going to be suffering, he's going to be suffering too.

They actually refused my first couple ideas, because like typical goody-two-shoes, they actually wanted to capture the psychopath for rehabilitation. I mean, this is the guy who tried to convert part of his mass into an atomic bomb so he could nuke the Tower, just to get at Snake Eyes. He would've killed hundreds of thousands, most of those innocents, if he'd succeeded.

It went about as well as you'd expect. The Arsenal showed up, ready to cause amounts of property damage even I find excessive in order to get his revenge, my trap goes off and Spider completely screws it up. We all--except Quizzer--get blasted. Quizzer manages to talk the Arsenal down from his rampage and be the big hero. I hit Arsenal when his back is turned because, unlike the Blue Q and Spider, I have enough forsight to know that you don't capture a rapid dog, you put it down.

Then the pain started.

Turns out the Arsenal's armored skin's a bit tougher than I thought it'd be. Of course, I'm in duranium armor and nearly indestructable, so you can imagine the sort of fight the two of us have. I think in the end I roughed him up pretty good, but he did the same thing to me. Eventually, Quizzer took his side and I emergency teleported out of there.

Not sure what happened next but the carnage stopped, so I'm guessing the three heroes came to some accord. Well, two heroes and Arsenal, at any rate. Twenty bucks says this bites Spider in the butt. The worst part is I didn't even get anything out of it save the chance to shoot an antihero in the back. None of the "high profile cargo" were who the logs said they were--all of them were soldiers in costumes and makeup. Rip-off.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

IT IS FUCKING COLD

Gone Fishing

Apparently Red Water wants to know what a catfish man tastes like, so we're off fishing today.

Hunting a sapient being in order to feed him to a colleague is pretty evil, right? Right. I feel good about this. Well, I mean, you know what I mean.

Rut

I really need to get out of my rut. I mean, yeah, I've had a couple successful bank heists, and scrapyard runs, and armored car heists, and Brannigan runs, but still. Is this really all there is? Can't I ever do some serious villainy and actually have a shot at pulling it off without Quizzer or Judy ruining it?

Maybe Hex can help me out with something, get me out of my rut and into some decent villainy. I mean, she's been hanging around anyway, helping with the crying part-god I've adopted. Who is also completely adorable. I just wish it didn't feel like I was taking advantage of her the whole time. Oh well.

I'd attack Brannigan, but it's kind of like kicking a one-legged puppy at this point. Litigation for that whole illegal portal to hell thing's kind of left them broke.

More later if I think of something, as well as what happened with that cruise thing.

Out of the Woodwork

Wow, Quizzer's getting all sorts of villains these days. I mean, none really compare to yours truly, but still. There's some sorta new gang in town with high-tech weapons. Mostly been hanging around in Southeast, kinda where you'd expect a gang to be. Wierd name though--the Candleflames. Is it just me or does that sound a little...you know..limp-wristed?

Considering their penchant for arson, though, non-threatening as their name may be, they don't seem to be messing around.

Oh well, as long as they respect their place in the villain hierarchy, no reason to go after them.

Still need to talk to Foundress. Maybe I can convince her to leave her wasps behind or something. Anyway, off to the movies. Hopefully Deirdre won't spend the whole time crying.

Heads Up

Probably no more info about the Cruise Ship stuff until later today at the earliest. Hex and I are going to see a movie in the afternoon and I was thinking about wasting some time playing hypno bubble for a while. Plus, want to spend more time with Deirdre She was apparently really upset and fussy while I was gone.

Oy

It's been over a week and a still feel like I was hit by a truck. Or, well, you know, like I was a normal person hit by a truck.

Stupid Agent Spider. I really need to get revenge on that guy for dragging me into a sting operation against the bloody Arsenal. It was pretty awesome when Quizzer called him Agent Dickhead, though.

Ow. Hex is offering to give me a backrub and I'd be crazy to turn it down. I'll fill you all in more later.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

MORE FUN IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

QUIZZER IS A DORK.

TWIITER.COM/QUIZZERHERO

From the Cargo Hold

Hey guys, this post coming in while I'm on board the ship. Snuck into the cargo hold, and I'm just checking to see if I can find any clues here. Also going over the passenger manifest. I would just take over the ship, but now I'm curious enough that I want to see who the big trap is for. And if it's for someone I don't like, I'd love to see it succeed. Can't get in the way of, say, a Judy trap. Or "Lord" Grim for that matter.

So far not much on either front. Passenger list is a bunch of bigwigs but no one major so far. Only thing I could think of would be someone in general with a problem with Arkady or Brannigan, or any number of other companies. I think there might be a couple Aimwrights on board. They're rich and all, but I can't think of anyone with a grudge against them specifically.

Oh, and I know that two-timing bastard's name. Oh, it's on now.

Holy crap. Rose Collins is on the ship. As in, Barb. What's the most famous corporate spy in the world doing, openly, on a cruise ship? More importantly, does she have her super villain gear with her? If it were a trap for here, she would be here under an alias, unless she knows it's a trap and is trying to flaunt it. But that doesn't make sense either. Spider would've made a move by now.

This cargo is really boring. I've done a few scans of the weapon lockers I can fine, and it's high-caliber stuff, but nothing exciting. A lot of e.m.p.s and armor-piercing bullets. Which makes me suspicious it's a trap for me, but something still doesn't add up.

That Barb's here is really bothering me. Barb plus Aimwrights along with corporate executives worth billions--if not trillions, on an unseasonable trip in an unfashionable area. The ship alone is worth an ungodly amount, even if it was stripped before being sold to a private collector.

Holy crap, how did I miss this on the security cameras? Conner Ferrian, Junior, AKA CJ, AKA my brother, Overdose. I haven't seem him anywhere but his name's on the roster. Maybe he comes later? Maybe he spirngs the trap from above or something?

Okay, let's think. Who's a super villain in the nearby area? I guess if you ignore the great lakes, Snake Eyes isn't too far. But this isn't his style. I mean, the closest major hub is Anarchy Groves in Penn. But this really isn't any of Scarlet Sorceress's villains' style.

Oh crap. I've been thinking about this all wrong. This isn't a trap for a villain. It's a trap for an anti-hero.

Snake Eyes used to be an Aimwright. Or, more accurately, he still is, but publically the family's disowned him. Privately I heard CJ mention everything's hugs and kisses with the relations behind closed doors. Yep, you want the inside scoop, go to a henchman, that's what I've learned. Apparently, the Arsenal suspects this is the case, and he's been breathing down the necks of the Aimwrights trying to get to Snake Eyes. And Barb's tusseled with the Arsenal more than she has with "other" heroes. Hell, she and CJ and the Aimwrights might not even be on the ship in the first place--even if they might have announced their presence earlier or something.

Snake Eyes must've made a deal with Agent Spider to catch his "Menace to Society" arch-nemesis. I mean, everyone knows Spider and the Arsenal don't get along.

So they're trying to catch the Arsenal. Hell. I'm gonna sit this one out. And fortify my base. Because if Arsenal starts fighting, there's going to be a whole lot of destruction. I'll probably call Quizzer and tell him what's going on. Most destructive "hero" ever starts fighting near the city you've sworn to protect, you're probably gonna want a head's up, after all. Plus, it'll be fun to watch him get tossed around if he tries to intervene.

Wait. Why have so many important people on a boat if they're just going to be part of the bait for someone like oh hey when did I get surrounded by soldiers I gotta go.

Hmph

This guy so doesn't deserve his wife. Hell, he doesn't even deserve the other woman.

As far as I can tell his wife is a saint. She's gorgeous and bends over backwards for the guy, does everything for her, and he still goes off to the other woman. Not only that, but he tells his mistress all sorts of stories about how draconian his wife is. From what I can see, they're one hundred percent false. I really hate people. You give your all for them and what do they do? Stab you in the back first chance they get, that's what.

I mean, I stayed by Judy's side every chance I got. I gave her my freaking pardon! And she betrayed me like the minute she got out of that coma. She was probably thinking about the backstab even before she even got in that accident. Yeah, accident. Screw you, people who insinuate I hit her on purpose. I swear, wouldn't be surprised if you're all accounts made by "Lord" Grim.

Oh, uh, the heist. Right. The whole reason I'm down here. Not yet in progress. Don't give me that look. Something fishy's going on. I passed a Siluriforme shuttle checking out the ship yesterday, and they seemed as clueless as I am. It's obviously a trap for someone--even the incompetent fishmen could see that, and I can't help but to remember the old adage--if you don't know who the sucker is, it's probably you.

More later. And when I get my heist underway, this two-timer's walking the plank.

Complications

Okay, it's been a day and I haven't attacked the cruise ship yet. There's a good reason, though. It definitely looks like there's some kind of trap set up there for someone. I have no idea who for, yet, exactly. I'm not even sure the people on the ship know, to be completely honest. Agent Spider and the other feds seem pretty into keeping a low profile, though.

In other news, it looks like one of the bigwigs on the ship brought both his mistress and his wife along, without the wife knowing, of course. I'm kind of wondering how long it's going to be before the wife finds out. He's not being as careful as you'd think he would.

Complication

Well, that was unexpected. Agent Spider's on the boat.

I haven't actually taken over the ship yet, but I'm patched in on all of their security cameras from my minisub. And so far I've seen him converse in hushed tones with several square-jawed people who I'm assuming are also federal agents three or four times.

Gonna have to keep an eye on that. And re-think my plan of attack.

Cruise Ship Update

The test voyage of Brannigan's new cruise ship starts in a couple of hours. The whole thing's kind of bizarre, though. State of the art cruise ship in the Great Lakes at the beginning of Fall. I have its schematics, and they seem on the level, but the whole thing, now that I think about it, stinks of a trap.

But is it for me? Doubtful. In fact, if it's for anyone I'd wager it's for the Siluriformes. It does have an awful lot of weapons.

Oh well. If it is a trap for them and not terrible planning, or a publicity stunt to showcase its new open-air climate control (i have never seen so many black boxes on an object), doesn't really matter. I'm still going to rob it blind anyway.

Okay, Hex is here. Going to hang out with her for a little bit so she'll feel like a friend and not someone I hand a baby off to.

Foundress

It's been months and I still haven't gotten ahold of that new girl in New Vineyard, Foundress.

I still maintain that yellow jackets freak me out, but, as Quizzer's Arch Nemesis, I feel that when someone else starts screwing around in his and my city, I should, I dunno, at least talk to her or something. Compare notes, coordinate attacks, something like that. Who knows, maybe she'd want to be in P.A.I.N. Having someone who can control super-wasps would be pretty awesome. Even if they are creepy as hell.

And seriously, hearing Quizzer shout "Oh God, bees!" was hilarious.

She seems pretty mysterious for the most part, though. I mean, she's got to have a reason for mostly going after cosmetics and chemical plants and stuff like that. She seems to have a beef with Arkady too. Hope she's not related to Nuke somehow, that'd be awkward. Well, from the skin her outfit shows, she doesn't look black, so a blood relation's pretty unlikely, and I think Fallout woulda told me if that were the case, but still, you never know.

Oh hey, looks like Hex'd be more than happy to baby sit, score. I'll have to bring her back something nice for taking care of Deirdre. I'm kind of worried that she's not doing enough of her own villainy helping me, though. She says it doesn't bother her, but I know I'm kind of a depressed lump some days when that Judy stuff hits me pretty hard, and she's really good helping me through that, so i can't help but feel I'm holding her back. Oh well.

Gotta plan. Got some serious badguy time in store for this town.

Cruise Ship Peril

Okay, so there's a cruise ship in the docks just about to make its maiden voyage. Yes, this is going to be around Lake Michigan, I don't see the point either. However, this isn't any ordinary cruise ship, it's a top of the line, all amenities taken care of, state of the art, might as well be a five start resort hotel monstrosity. It has energy weapons and a defensive shield, and a team of state-of-the-art combat androids posing as both crew and random passengers. Only the most wealthy people are going to be on this thing, especially since this is the first run.

I, of course, am going to rob it, hold it and its passengers hostage, etc., etc.

Remember when I made that Brannigan run a while back, right before the Tri-City Takeover? Well, this cruise ship was among the schematics I found. So I know its defenses, its weaknesses, and its entire floor plan. I'm going to take the ship without a fight and use its defenses against any lame hero--most likely my arch-nemesis Quizzer--who tries to stop me.

Now I just need to find a babysitter. I wonder if Hex is free.

Deirdre

So, Deirdre.

Well, not long after the whole explosive breakup with Judy, Dina and I were settling back into the base when she goes into labor. And, since the father, my "good friend" Captain Visigoth is god only knows where, I had to take the pregnant half-jöttun to the hospital. Let me tell you, they are going to be repairing that maternity ward for a while. I mean, she was in labor for twevle hours at least, and every time she thrashed or kicked with that super strength of hers behind it, something blew up.

At some point I got so tired even the sounds of her destroying the hospital started to lull me to sleep, so I dozed off in like the only remaining chair around.

Now, some of you might be thinking: why didn't you go in there and hold her hand or something? What kind of gentleman are you? Answer: The kind that enjoys having non-broken bones. She's not my wife, I'm not going to put myself in intensive care for her. It kind of feels good to be able to say that without Judy punching me.

Anyway, when I woke up, the doctors were trying to hand me what I could only assume was Dina's baby, saying congratulations in the tone one uses when a gun is pointed at them.

The conversation went something like this:

"I'm not the father."

"The mother threatened us unless we processed her signing over custody to you."

"WTF"

"Sorry man."

In essence, Dina decided she didn't really want a kid either, so she didn't even bother naming her daughter before skipping town. Turns out if your mom's a frost giant, having a kid doesn't slow you down much. So Dina used the only tool she knows--brute force--and got her daughter adopted by me while I was asleep and then took off, probably to try to find her errant husband.

In hindsight, I should have expected something like this after she asked what my signature was like.

So, I named her Deirdre Elizabeth Ferrian, after my grandmother and sister. And because I am both a tool and a doormat, she's now my kid.

Yep, I am now raising a baby that's half Germanic Demigod and a quarter Frost Giant.

I am not looking forward to the Terrible Twos.

But, I mean, it's been alright so far. Sure, she cries a lot but there's a seventy-thirty chance I'm awake anyway at any given time working on something anyway. And she's cute--I can already tell she'll be better looking than either of her parents when she grows up.

And woe to any boy who tries to take advantage of her. I'm already gearing up and excited for when I can threaten people when she's a teenager.

Anyway, I got a couple evil plans cooking up, more on that later.

Haha, Nice

So, New Vineyard just passed an ordinance that all new buildings in city limits must be earthquake-proofed.

They're doing this solely because of me. I think that's a sign that I've done a job well done as a super villian.

Out to rob a bank and then buy some more diapers for Deirdre.

What Happened With Judy

Okay, going to start my triumphant return by starting to explain what happened with Judy.

She went completely insane.

Okay, that's not fair to her, and I recognize this, but still. She got out of her coma, put on new battle armor, started calling herself "Scarab" and took over my tri-city takeover. She threw me from an altitude of a few thousand feet! Onto concrete!

And she threw her pregnant friend out of the base, and took it for her own. And she burned most of the stuff she didn't throw out into the bottom of Lake Michigan.

So, as you can probably tell, we so broke up after that.

My first plan was thus--summon the rest of my criminal organization, P.A.I.N--That's Hex, Dionaea, Bruiser, Red Water, Psychosis, and Carrion Beetle--and show her that I'm still New Vineyard's #1 Badguy. Unfortunately, Scarab had my state-of-the-art battle fortress upgraded even further, because she's smarter than me, so not only were the old weaknesses all gone, but she also warded it against magic somehow. Hex thinks that she has some magic know-how now from her time in Hell.

Which lead to me summoning Rakshasa and trying to make a deal with him. I just wanted information, and he just wanted to make an entry into my blog. The info he gave me was...not very helpful. "As you are, army or no, you will never beat Judy."

Turns out, I didn't even need to, which was both disappointing and embarrassing. Quizzer, somehow, managed to take Judy down--without his A-list girlfriend Miss Atom, either. I'm not entirely sure how he managed it, but he picked up one of the battle fortresses with his mind and threw it at the main one. From all accounts, the third then tried to attack the city below but was stopped by the Mississippi Grizzly. God that guy's strong.

In my defense, he probably only managed it because Scarab's attention was fully on fighting Quizzer rather than coordinating an attack. Now, in the past, Quizzer could never even really beat June Bug, so I was kind of surprised when he was on even footing with that new Scarab armor. He hasn't been this strong since that fight, either, so I'm pretty sure it's draining to do so...or maybe he had something boosting his telekinesis. Hmmm.

Anyway, Judy emergency teleported away when it was clear that the Blue Q was going to kick her ass. Then Dina, Hex, and the rest of us made our escape, salvaged what was left of the fortresses, and retreated to my hideout.

I haven't seen much of Judy since, though Scarab has made a few attacks here and there around the country. Probably getting stuff to repair her armor.

I was so into her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

It's not as bad as it could've been, though. I mean, P.A.I.N. are my teammates, but they're my friends too. Hex has been really cool these past few months, helping me out. She's a good friend.

Deirdre's up again, so I have to go perform my fatherly duties. More on why I have a daughter later.

Wow

Has it really been that long since I've last updated. Sorry about that.

I don't have time to talk now, but I might later today--you know, when the sun's actually up. I'm only up now because someone decided to start crying in the middle of the night.

Oh well, such are the trials of being a single dad and a super-villain.

Pleased to Meet You, Won't You Guess My Name?

Oh my. It is fun to start a new tradition, isn't it? You'll be seeing more of these in the future. Even though the good Doctor would rather you didn't.

By the way, this is Rakshasa typing. Well, not really typing, per se, but writing in this electric medium nonetheless. Don't worry, I haven't harmed Silas Ferrian in any way--this is all part of a deal we made. He wanted knowledge to help him get his errant paramour back into sway. This was my price--a chance to give a message to all you lovely people.

I want to address something I've been asked a lot--don't worry, I'm sure Silas will be so good about updating this with the summary of that whol messy situation with Judy soon after I've posted this. He's so good about keeping this regularly updated, after all.

Where was I? Ah, yes.

When I was freed from my prison of the bust of the Macedonian office that brought me back, unwittingly, from campaign in India, my future host, henchman of Warlock, asked me, "Are you the Devil?"

My response was simple enough. "Does the Devil know he is the Devil?" Angels have no free will, after all. Did Satan have any part in falling, or was it all orchestrated by Fate? On that vein, do I have any choice in being what I am? I don't know, myself, either answer. I Have Been, I Am, and I Will Be. I remember time beginning, and I Was There. I remember the desire to burn all reality to ash. And from that font came I, the will and power to destroy Universe after Universe until nothing remains. Am I Satan, stripped of Knowledge after the Fall of Man-- an ironic punishment to be sure, or am I simply a force of nature? Oblivion's primal form given Shape, Will, and Intent? I am Evil Incarnate, either way, to be sure. So, therefore, have I ever had a choice in betraying Operation Mayhem in such a way that it made me look good and them look truly evil? Did I ever really have a choice in taking advantage of the desperate longing for power that Rake and Shasta had and giving them an offer they couldn't refuse? Did I have any say in betraying Silas in such a way that he nearly killed the woman he loved?

No, of course not. However, and this is the point I wish to make clear, they, the humans who have released, empowered, assisted, and otherwise aided me have always had a choice. I cannot, through some quirk of my nature, make anyone make a decision, evil or otherwise. You all do that for me. I provided Rake the means, but he was the one to say, "You have my soul to make that so." Of course, it was the poor fool's body I wanted. Which I got more than handily after ripping his soul to tiny pieces and tossing them to the hounds.

The Devil did not make Man fall, he just made it seem like a really good idea.

And with that, I leave you with your regularly scheduled host. And remeber, whatever decision he makes (and it is a truly excellent one), it is his.

Yours,

Rakshasa

THIS IS WHY YOU STAY SINGLE PEOPLE

Oh my god.

I am so angry right now.

I loved this plan. It was going so well. The heroes couldn't do jack without blood on their hands. All Judy had to do was say she wanted in on it and I would've shared.

Instead, she kicks me out! Dina too! She kicked her pregnant friend out. Lousy June Bug--Excuse me, Scarab.

Yes, that's Judy under the bulky spiky black armor. Apparently, what she 'brought back' wasn't a demon or an interdimensional parasite or anything like that. It was knowledge. And a major attitude problem. Locking me out of my own base. Commandeering my TrEyeumvirate. Beating the tar out of my nemesis.

You know what? She doesn't wanna be a team player? She wants to take everything from the guy who sat beside her bed for months wating for her to wake up? Well, two can play at this game. Yeah, she has my tech, my gear, better equipment, and a much higher IQ than me. Yeah, that angry Scarab armor can kick my ass even armored up. But I have one thing she doesn't.

Backup.

Time to give P.A.I.N. a trial by fire.

Tri-City Takeover

Oh god I love this plan.

So, as of yesterday, there is an aerial battleship over New Vineyard, and one over Chicago, and one over Detroit. Two are unmanned, and I'm in one of them. If anything happens to any of the ships, the other two start firing. I'm holding three cities for ransom simultaneously! How cool is that?

So far no hero has come forward to challenge me, since millions of lives are at stake here. But Quizzer and Speed Demon sure are fuming impotently at the ships, that much is for certain. I call the battleships my TrEyeumvirate.

I have a couple tons of precious metals at the moment, and more on the way.

Though, to be honest, I'm not enjoying this as much as I should be.

Some time yesterday, Judy came out of the lab (and took a shower, thank god), and said she was going "out" to test out something called "Scarab". I haven't seen her since. However, I have been watching the news. Brannigan's tower, the one in downtown that was built around that portal, has imploded. No sign of explosives or the portal opening, which means it was hit by some kind of gravity bomb--as in, a bomb that released a massive pulse of condensed gravitational flucuations. There's only one person who can do that.

But what is Scarab?

Seriously Guys

Who builds a second weather machine? Brannigan totally has one right here. It's not a bad design, but still, already went that route. Though that reminds me, I really should do something with what's left of the Eye. Maybe I should assault the city with some kind of mobile battle fortress?

Or maybe...hmmmm....that's not a bad idea. Some top level villainy right there.

Okay, I have work to do. More later as I continue my new plan.

Mwaha haha ha. Hahaha. Mwaha. Haha.

Oh man that was fun. I'm totally recording the new report on my rampage now. I might transcribe it or link it on youtube after a bit. Besides that self-aware moping moment, I got it, tore up Brannigan labs, and made off with as much tech I didn't recognize as possible.

No parts of the portal generator though. Not that I'd want them, but the Government took all those after investigating it.

Kinda sucks to realize the whole island was probably built so Brannigan could study that portal to hell. I mean, how am I going to top that level of villainy? Intentionally leading civillians to mortal danger solely for scientific reasons. That's cold, man.

Oh well, off to play with my new toys, see if I got any winners. More on the rampage itself a bit later.

HEE HEE HEE

ALL THIS CARNAGE IS TOTALLY MAKING ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY COLLAPSING RELATIONSHIP GUYS

OH HEY I CAN CHANGE THE TITLE OF CELL UPDATES

HEE HEE HEE LOOKIT EM BURN HEE HEE HEE

CELLPHONE UPDATE

HEE HEE HEE I FORGOT HOW MUCH FUN MAYHEM IS HEE HEE HEE

Sorry Guys

So, I bet you're all wondering where I've been. Well, Judy and I have pretty much non-stop been making our new armors. And mine's, finally, done.

We haven't really been doing it together, though. Judy's kinda sequestered herself away in a private workshop and she's been working without breaks as far as I can tell. But whenever I knock she says she's fine, so I guess she's fine. Room's not airtight and it's starting to smell, though. She should probably take a break for a shower or to throw out those old Cup Noodle bowls or something.

You know, this is actually pretty good timing. Quizzer's had his hands full, what with Siluriformes and Nuke and Mechanor and that new girl Foundress (need to get in contact with her, but yellow jackets kind of freak me out.) as well as finals to really have the energy to deal with me. And since the Government finall shut down that Brannigan lab with the demon portal in it before they could remove stuff...I think it's time to go on a five finger discount shopping spree.

And I know for a fact Quizzer was up late last night. Doctor Cataclysm: 1, Quizzer's Twitter: 0

Hex Update

No word from Hex about Judy, besides her saying, "Whenever someone says that after they've been out of it, it can't be good."

Judy's been home, but she's spending most of her time in the workshop, making new armor. She isn't really talking to me and doesn't want me seeing what she's making. Oh well.

The rest P.A.I.N. is coming over to play Mario Kart and stuff tonight. Maybe I'll invite her out for it.

Okay

Something odd's going on.

When I got the news Judy was out of her coma, I rushed right to the hospital. I only paused to send that update to my blog. By the time I arrived, however, Judy had been placed in isolation.

My demands to see her didn't go so well. According to the doctors, after the initial woozy period, Judy started shrieking her head off and panicking. She was strapped down to keep her from hurting herself or pulling something loose while she calmed down. It took hours for her to calm down. When she finally did, I got to see her.

Yes, me, a nearly seven foot tall super-human, was scolded by a middle-aged nurse into not going to see Judy during that time. Shut up.

When I saw her, she was in bed, staring at the window. When I tried to meet her gaze, she turned to face the hall. When I went around the other side of the bed, she faced the window again.

I told her I'd missed her, that I loved her, that I'd been here almost every day since she was hurt.

She didn't speak. There was a long, long silence, until she said, "I brought something back with me."

I didn't get a chance to grill her further, as the nurse chased me out then, saying she should be alone for observation, given her violent reaction.

What does that even mean? Did her soul go somewhere while she was out or something? That's sounds like magic to me, or something like it. Better ask Hex when I get the chance. Hope I can see Judy more soon.

This Can't Be Good

Judy's first words when I saw her were, "I brought something back with me."

More later when this makes more sense.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

SHE'S AWAKE

That Bastard!

"Lord" Grim is trying to start his own supervillain group. He's trying to get the rights to P.A.I.N. before we do. That son of a bitch.

He's just doing this because he doesn't like me. I think Red Water might try to eat him some time over the weekend. Good. Hope he succeeds.

Am I writing that because it's going to happen or just to screw with Grim in case he reads this? That's for me to know and him to find out. Bon appetit, Red.

Besides Lord Annoying, things are going pretty well with the creation of P.A.I.N. They're going pretty well in general, actually, despite the fact that Judy's not up yet--and, even then, she's had a few more mumbled words and half-awake moments in the past few days.

Rakshasa sent me a letter of congratulations. Either that means he's already back in the physical world, or his magic lets him screw with me across dimensional barriers.

Oh, and I managed to salvage quite a few pieces of Siluriforme tech. Some of it will prove useful with armor 3.0. Despite what improvements I make, I might just make it look like 2.0. I liked the look, and no one really expects armor that looks exactly like the old stuff to be that much better. That, and I don't want the pictures of me on CapeWiki to be that much more out of date.

One last bit of news--Brannigan's under investigation for having an unregistered demonic portal in their labs. Haha. Suckers.

And Now, We Return You to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

So, Siluriformes are attacking the city right now with giant mechanical fishmen. I think I might record this. It's pretty good. I can see Quizzer fighting them from the hospital window. Gotta remember to salvage some of the pieces from the mechafish a bit later. I've been wondering what Siluriforme tech was like.

Judy sorta woke up yesterday. She said a few words and then passed out again. Something like "I hate hospitals". That's supposed to be a good sign. She was at least aware of her surroundings for a few seconds. Doctors are saying she should completely come out of it within the week.

Ouch, that's going to leave a mark. I hope they don't come closer to the hospital, I don't really feel like getting involved. Quizzer can handle this. He's the "big hero" after all.

Oh, by the time I came back? Dina Might's started to redecorate my base. She still can't get ahold of Captain Visigoth--personally, I think he's in Mexico doing body shots off of strippers and kind of in general being himself.

A Year In Retrospective

So, in eleven days, I will have been doing this blog for a year. It's been a crazy year.

Weather machines, fishmen, unfortunate accidents, giant molten fathers, weddings, pregnancies, demonic presidents, giant conspiracies, love, loss....man. I hope every year's not like this.

Here's to hoping for a better year.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Me and some of the others--namely, Dionaea, Hex, Bruiser, Psychosis, Carrion Beetle, and Red Water--are starting our own little group of villains. Nothing tightly packed or anything, but we worked well together, so we decided to make something official. In honor of how we met, we're naming it P.A.I.N. (still doesn't mean anything). Lady Anaconda's already sent me a letter saying she was pleased with my success in fighting Rakshasa. Not that I'd join Op Mayhem. But still, that's pretty awesome.

And it seems like they want me to be the leader. That I'm less thrilled about but, hey, if they think I did a good job I might as well take the role.

...I was going to write something about something else, but it's slipped my mind completely. You'll see why, though.

I'm talking to Mechanor on instant messenger right now, and I asked it why it went to me when it needed a tuneup. I mean, there are plenty of mechanically inclined villains out there, right?

Apparently, Mechanor was built by a Ferrian. As in, someone with my last name. And apparently, it's a descendant of me.

He said something else too. Supposedly...um...before this time next year.

Before this time next year, according to Mechanor, I'm going to be a father. This could just be faulty wiring. God knows it wouldn't be the first time, but still.

So much for an uneventful year.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?

Oh Sweet

Obama's going to be the guy replacing Rakshasa as president. Sweet! Only non-crooked politician to come out of Illinois since that cybernatic clone of Lincoln. Why is it stuff like that only happened in the 90's anyway?

I dunno, though. We've never had a Hawaiian President before. Knowing our luck he's going to sell us out to some volcano god or a giant shark or something.

Oh well. If he does, let a hero deal with it. I did my good deed of my career. No way am I dealing with P.A.N.I.C. again if I can help it.

I only wish they'd stop calling me. Don't they know I have important bedside moping to do?

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 2

So. Many of you are probably wondering what happened next.

Honestly, I've been having a hard time thinking of how to write it down or put it on "paper". Guess it's writer's block or something. Cut me some slack. I spend most of my day at the hospital waiting for my girlfriend to get out of a coma.

I'll finish it up some time this week. I promise. I just need a bit more time to clear my head and stuff and figure out how I'm going to write up events so chaotic. Even I don't know everything that happened, and I was there.

Eh, while I'm typing I might as well advance the narrative a bit. It'll give me something to do while the chances Judy's ever going to wake up dwindle.

So, knocking on the Scarlet Sorceress's door was pretty much a bust. No one answered, but we--and by we I mean Quizzer and I, as everyone else scattered to try to find more members--noticed that lights were on, car was in driveway, and the door was unlocked. In fact, it wasn't even completely latched.

So, being the only sensible people in P.A.N.I.C, we suited up and cautiously walked inside rather than burst in as was suggested over our cell phones by some of our "colleagues".

I'll spare you the disgusting details of what we found, but suffice it to say that the Sorceress was encased in some demonic booger webbing and being guarded by rather ugly demons that I still feel like throwing up when I remember.

The fight was over pretty quick and no, not in the good way for us. I mean, we won, but just barely, and largely because Quizzer and I, rather than attack the demons, attacked the coccoon. Once free, the Sorceress made quick work of them.

Yes, I was saved by a girl. Shut up.

Well, saved isn't quite the term, because before she could really regain her thoughts she snared us in some weird magic ribbon and demanded to know who we were. Then we explained why we were there and what was going on. I'd like to say we did this calmly and rationally, but no such luck. We were both afraid she was going to nuke us or turn us into rabbits or something. Of course, had we known then she was having trouble with her magic, we would have been a bit calmer.

Apparently, after surprising and incapacitating her, Rakshasa took Scarlet Sorceress's magic book. You know, the one you always see her with? Key to her powers, apparently, which is why she couldn't just break through. Rakshasa didn't kill her because for one, he (eww) seems to have a thing for her and two, apparently if the person who has the book dies it just picks another person.

The Sorceress let us go then, and we brought her back to P.A.N.I.C. (and no, doesn't stand for anything) and then planned our big assault on Rakshasa. That's where, literally, all hell broke loose, I got a little bit of revenge, and this whole thing got tied up, finally.

Except for...

On That Video

Yes. That YouTube Video of me and Quizzer in our Skivvies doing that "dance to that Daft Punk song with writing on us" thing is not fake. We were drunk at the party after beating Rakshasa, and Miss Atom and Fallout bet we couldn't do it. For being completely wasted we didn't do such a bad job, either.

And, on that note, the Video of Miss Atom and Fallout doing the "dance to that Daft Punk song with writing on them" thing in their skivvies is also not fake. And a lot more popular on YouTube than Quizzer and I doing it. That's a shock. Two hot female superhumans dancing more popular than two reasonably attractive male superhumans dancing.

Side note: Quizzer is totally dating Miss Atom now. Did not see that coming at all.

That's all for now. I'm off to visit Judy again. When I get back later tonight I'll work on continuing to explain how we managed to beat Rakshasa. Maybe I'll even finish it.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 1

The first meeting of P.A.N.I.C. was utter chaos.

We had villains and heroes and nemeses and sideliners and second string and third string and even a couple fourth string (Sorry Badger, but you know it's true) all mixed up together. That we accomplished anything, let alone actually beat Rakshasa, surprises me even still.

Even when the heroes with rivalries could band together, there was only one hero talking to one villain. That was Quizzer and I, who were both adding Sports-Announcer style coverage to the bitchfights both sides were getting in. I might post some highlights later.

But when both sides stopped fighting, more or less (granted, the villain side never really stopped infighting), the heroes all looked to me expectantly, like, 'Well, aren't you going to get them settled?' And, thus, the heroes made me de-facto leader and spokesperson for the villains in P.A.N.I.C.

Which was kind of like hearding cats armed with high explosives and resentment. You see, we villains are a very egotistical people. The only reason I had as much success as I did was the fact that several of my ex-girlfriends were in the group and we tended to part on relatively good terms. So Dionaea and Icicle and Fallout managed to step up my intimidation a bit. I was also friends with a couple of them, so Jack Knife and Mechanor helped in that department. That still left me with a baker's dozen badguys to get quiet and stop bickering. Long story short, it turns out my bracers are an effective crowd pacification tool if I 'accidentally' put them on 'slightly' higher a setting than I intended and they 'accidentally' go off. (replace accidentally and slightly with put dispersion and power on max, and the second accidentally with held down the trigger for ten seconds)

I asked Mechanor why he was here. His response was "Mechanor was here. Therefore, Mechanor is here." Which I take it to mean, in history, he comes back in time to P.A.N.I.C. Which, if he knows that, why the hell did the scientists get surprised when he went back in time in the first place? And if he knows his schemes are going to fail, why does he even try them?

He responded with a red velvet cake. It's possible that maybe I didn't remove the baked goods subroutine while repairing him. Don't give me that look. Free cakes and pies! I'd be a fool to turn them down.

Anyway, sorry, back on task. So, I was made spokesperson for a bunch of self-obsessed and psychotic whiners while we discussed the best method for beating down Rakshasa and taking back the country. I'd like to say we thought up a daring plan to save everything and neutralize his magic and kick his furry eldritch butt back to the demon world. But really we just argued until we decided to try to find the Scarlet Sorceress.

Which was easier said than done. Remember, she went missing a day or two before the inauguration. Which meant she was probably in Rakshasa's hands. Not even Clairvoyant Lass could get a good bead on her (don't even get me started on her. we had to call her by the full name every time or she got huffy). P.A.N.I.C. didn't really have a magic type person strong enough to find her that way, either. If we had a sorcerer strong enough to break Rakshasa's magic, we wouldn't really need Scarlet Sorceress.

And then Quizzer gave the fatal idea, the one that would rock P.A.N.I.C. to the core and eventually lead us to victory of Rakshasa.

"Has anyone tried going to her house and knocking?"

Oh. Look at the date.

I didn't even realize it was Valentines. I didn't even realize it was Febuary.

I had so many plans for Judy and I for Valentines. So many things I wanted to do. So many places I wanted to take her.

Right now, all I want for Valentines is for her to wake up.

Oh. Hey.

I haven't really had time to update. With all that planning the fight and then taking down Rakshasa, I was a bit drained.

I haven't really left Judy's bedside since after the big fight and I haven't been able to concentrate enough for a decent post.

When maybe I'm feeling a bit better, maybe later tonight, I'll write my side of what happened with Rakshasa. It might feel better to get it out.

P.A.N.I.C. and the Crisco

I have been here nearly a week and we have still accomplished nothing.

When Quizzer hyjacked my mole machine while I was unconscious, he dragged me all the way out to an old abandoned missile silo in Pennsylvania or something, where he had gotten a message that super-powered folks were meeting. Apparently, a lot of minor super heroes and villains got the message too.

And when we were all assembled, demons started pouring from the woodwork. Quizzer never questioned who actually sent that message.

Luckily, I was awake at the time, and we managed to route the ambush with only a few casualties. Which is a miracle, because half the time we were tripping over each other trying to do something.

And when the fighting was over, they turned to Quizzer and I and said, "What are we going to do now?"

Well, okay, it was a bit more varied and vulgar than that, but you get the idea. Suddenly we were expected to solve this whole mess.

So we've formed a gigantic superhero-villain team-up that someone had the bright idea to name P.A.N.I.C. and no, that doesn't actually stand for anything. I'm just thankful for the Crisco Laws right now. Maybe something good can come out of this horrible situation

Cricso Laws, for those of you who don't speak super villain--if a super criminal saves or helps save the world, they're eligible for a full pardon. Ironically enough, this law is from the first time Rakshasa nearly destroyed everything.

Speaking of P.A.N.I.C., we're about to have another "meeting", so I'll write more later.

The Story Thus Far

Judy and I had an argument right before the inauguration. She didn't see what I was so worried about, if there was a truce with Rakshasa.

So she stormed off and I went to follow her. I saw the inauguration like people see important things in movies--from tvs in a store window.

Then there was a big rumbling and I realized that there might've been an alterior motive for Brannigan building this island where it did. Say, maybe there was a transdimensional rift right here. Maybe a few hundred feet in the air. Something like that would be an excellent power source.

Unfortunately, when it opens to Hell, that means when Rakshasa opens up all the portals to Hell, that a monster born from nightmare a couple hundred feet tall and about that wide crashes through it. The Brannigan Building exploded, which caused a lot of damage, but the massive wall of pustulant flesh that oozed from its wreckage that was the real problem.

I caught up with Judy right then, and before either of us could say anything, an eye the size of a mini-mart opened in the center of the oozing thing's mass, centered on us, and fired an eye beam.

I pushed Judy out of the way and took the whole thing myself. It really, really hurt, and knocked me through a bank, which right now I realize is so ironic it hurts, but it was fortunately just a force beam and not a demon laser or hellfire or anything. I think Judy called out my name, but I didn't quite catch it, because before I could completely collect myself, she teleported her armor to her and shot towards the thing.

And a pseudopod of flesh formed and batted her away like she was actually a June Bug. She landed with a heavy thump-crash that knocked her through several layers of pavement. By this time, I could see Quizzer throwing the wreckage of the Brannigan Building at the demon with his mind.

Now, I was pissed, so I turned my right bracer all the way up, into a focused blast. The focused blast is that thing that the old Doc used on American Steel to actually hurt him, it's essentially taking the full power of an earthquake compressed into one small point.

So I turned it up as far as I could, pointed it at the demon, and fired, and right at that moment, right at that very moment, June Bug shot up in between me and the demon, right in the path of the blast. I didn't know, I didn't have time.

It hit her and she had her gravity distortion up as high as it could go so when it hit her she flew forward like a bullet and smashed straight through its body, from eye out the back and it deflated or something and melted but I wasn't paying attention I was just running and trying to find her.

Okay. Took a couple minutes to calm down.

We found Judy in lake Michigan. Her armor was a bit warped. The doctors say we got her out just in time. They're confident she'll wake up. Probably.

I should be there with her instead of here.

Ugh, but, there's one more part to this.

At her bedside, I said, "Rakshasa!" And he showed up. Or, at least an image of him.

"Oh dear. A bit of a mess, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window at New Vineyard.

"We had a deal. I don't try to stop you, my friends and family go unharmed." I snarled at him, in my rage, nbot quite registering that I was snarling at Rakshasa.

"Well, yes, and that deal still applies. I have done nothing to harm you and yours." He replied. "Do you suppose all those buildings were insured?"

"That demon chose me as the first target."

"Oh, you wanted to make deals with all the demons in Hell as well?" He said, finally turning to me. "Because that is a horse of a different color. I agreed I would not harm them when the world was bathed in hellfire, but I can't speak for every single demon out there. I am President now, therefore I cannot hold another political office, so, while the invasion is in progress, I am no longer King of Demons. Once I have destroyed this world, all of your friends and family will be safe but, until then, I hold no sway over them, officially."

I would have wanted to punch that smile off his face if it wasn't so damn creepy.

"Ah, there's that look of horrible realization. Rake had it, Shasta had it, that Greek soldier I first possessed had it...essentially, everyone I have ever made a deal with, really." Rakshasa grinned even wider. "Oh, if only I had a camera every time I saw someone's face like that. And yes, I may have let slip that your friends and family will be unable to be killed after this point, when I regain my throne, so they may be out for you and yours specifically, but, well, you know how gossip spreads. Oh, no, I was mistaken. THAT is the expression I want to have photographed every time. Well, I have important world-destruction to do and I am sure you will be busy trying to defend your loved ones from this new horrid revelation." An eye opened on his shoulder which glanced down at Judy. "I do hope you are every bit as successful with that as you have been today."

Then he disappeared and Dina knocked me out when I was arguing that I should stay.

And now I'm at a collection of third and second-rate superheroes and villains, wondering where the first stringers are and trying not to kill each other in the process.

I'm sure this will all end up great.

The Speech

Just in case you didn't get a chance to see it before the world started to end, here's Jonathan Rake's Innaugural Address. And, oh, when he was sworn in, he didn't use a copy of the bible.

Rake started the speech by laughing maniacally.

"I apologize. For a long time, I have dreamed of this moment. Frankly, I am a bit overwhelmed.

I want to thank you, the people of the United States of America, and the people of the world itself, for making the office of President what it is today. In its first incarnation it was meant as a balanced figure, not a leader but, rather, a manager, the face behind the law the other branches create and enforce.

But you, you the people have made it so much more. The President is a symbol of freedom. "The Leader of the Free World", people have called the possessor of this office. You, and the traditions of the nation, and how other nations view this land, have made the office of President so much more than it was intended, perhaps not the leader in the letter of the law, but very much so in the spirit.

And, it turns out, the spirit is all I need."

Then he turned into his weird tiger-headed form and the screaming started.

"It was so easy to manipulate you all. Give you something too good to be true and like sheep you never questioned if it was.

Much like Rake, really. I gave him a chance to be in power. He realized he was too much of a nice guy. Nice guys never really make it in American politics. They end up building houses for the poor, all but forgotten and abandoned for the cutthroat, the ruthless. And if it makes you all feel better he regrets what he promised me for this chance.

Oh, I should get on to business before someone tries to stop me."

His tentacles formed and lashed out and killed all the guards who had been rushing to him.

"As I was saying, I am now leader of this country. I own all of the government-owned land, all of the borders, everything. In your perspective, anyway. I now am the symbol of this nation as much as the flag. I am the face the United States presents to the world.

And, as my first act as President, I declare that all portals to the Demon World, all those government owned and protected areas of land, be opened. Now."

He "smiled" then much wider than he should have been able to.

"Now, if the band could start playing 'Hail to the Chief', that would be lovely."

He didn't keep his word, I'm not going to keep mine.

He's going down.

It's Begun

It's been about two hours since Rakshasa put his plan into motion.

Demons are rampaging across the country. Heroes and villains alike have answered the call to stopping them.

And there's already been a casualty.

The doctors are swamped, but they told me she'll probably wake up some day. They don't know exactly when, but they're sure she'll wake up.

It's all my fault. It's my fault. She flew in front of me and I didn't have time to stop my bracer. I didn't.

The wave just hit her and the demon. If only I could have acted faster. I should have been able to act faster.

Quizzer's telling me a bunch of heroes and villains and stuff are meeting somewhere out east to figure out how we're going to deal with this and we should probably get moving fast. But I don't want to leave her here. Not undefended. I mean, Dina's offering to stay behind and watch her but I'm the one who put her in a coma it's my responsibilit

Hey, this is Quizzer. Dina just knocked Doc C out. He'll write again when he wakes up and we're on our way.

Not long now

I can't sleep. I really can't. It's time. I mean, it's nearly time, less than a day.

Judy isn't worried. She's sleeping soundly.

What should I do? What should I have done? How will I be remembered after all this is over with? The coward who did nothing while the world burned?

...I need a drink.

This Old Secret Lair

It's really not as hard to convert part of a secret lair into a nursery as one might believe. Though it is pretty time consuming. Especially when the mother to be wants a specific brand for everything in her nursery. And guess what? It's all really expensive things that have to be stolen. Well, they don't have to be, but I am a supervillain. No way am I actually gonna buy a thousand dollar crib.

And, of course, the tabloids have taken this opportunity to question whether I'm the one whose child is being born, since I've suddenly gone on a big baby-stuff stealing binge.

Which, rumor-wise I kinda prefer to the truth of the fact that I'm just supremely whipped.

But, after battling various superheroes and traveling across the nation, Dina's nursery of doom is complete. Now I get to sit back and relax.

...or I would if the inauguration wasn't tuesday at noon.

God damn it. Oh well, that was a nice distraction, at any rate.

Of Course.

This is just my life.

This is how my life goes.

I spend all new years eve fighting with my nemesis against a crazy man made of nuclear fire rather than drinking and hanging out with my friends because I'm too much of a softy to let Nuke rampage around town when I know he's looking for me.

Then I come home at five in the morning and find the place trashed, Captain Visigoth gone, and Dina sobbing heavily while Judy comforts her. I tried to ask what was wrong, and Dina punched me.

Apparently, my old friend Captain Visigoth knocked her up. She told him this after the ball dropped and he took it poorly. As in, he ran as fast as he could away from her.

And Judy and Dina are such good friends so of course Judy would come to me and tell me--not ask me--that Dina's going to be staying with us until she gets back on her feet. Because "this is a hard time and I know you'll be understanding about this Silas. Won't you?"

God I'm whipped.