P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?

The Story Thus Far

Judy and I had an argument right before the inauguration. She didn't see what I was so worried about, if there was a truce with Rakshasa.

So she stormed off and I went to follow her. I saw the inauguration like people see important things in movies--from tvs in a store window.

Then there was a big rumbling and I realized that there might've been an alterior motive for Brannigan building this island where it did. Say, maybe there was a transdimensional rift right here. Maybe a few hundred feet in the air. Something like that would be an excellent power source.

Unfortunately, when it opens to Hell, that means when Rakshasa opens up all the portals to Hell, that a monster born from nightmare a couple hundred feet tall and about that wide crashes through it. The Brannigan Building exploded, which caused a lot of damage, but the massive wall of pustulant flesh that oozed from its wreckage that was the real problem.

I caught up with Judy right then, and before either of us could say anything, an eye the size of a mini-mart opened in the center of the oozing thing's mass, centered on us, and fired an eye beam.

I pushed Judy out of the way and took the whole thing myself. It really, really hurt, and knocked me through a bank, which right now I realize is so ironic it hurts, but it was fortunately just a force beam and not a demon laser or hellfire or anything. I think Judy called out my name, but I didn't quite catch it, because before I could completely collect myself, she teleported her armor to her and shot towards the thing.

And a pseudopod of flesh formed and batted her away like she was actually a June Bug. She landed with a heavy thump-crash that knocked her through several layers of pavement. By this time, I could see Quizzer throwing the wreckage of the Brannigan Building at the demon with his mind.

Now, I was pissed, so I turned my right bracer all the way up, into a focused blast. The focused blast is that thing that the old Doc used on American Steel to actually hurt him, it's essentially taking the full power of an earthquake compressed into one small point.

So I turned it up as far as I could, pointed it at the demon, and fired, and right at that moment, right at that very moment, June Bug shot up in between me and the demon, right in the path of the blast. I didn't know, I didn't have time.

It hit her and she had her gravity distortion up as high as it could go so when it hit her she flew forward like a bullet and smashed straight through its body, from eye out the back and it deflated or something and melted but I wasn't paying attention I was just running and trying to find her.

Okay. Took a couple minutes to calm down.

We found Judy in lake Michigan. Her armor was a bit warped. The doctors say we got her out just in time. They're confident she'll wake up. Probably.

I should be there with her instead of here.

Ugh, but, there's one more part to this.

At her bedside, I said, "Rakshasa!" And he showed up. Or, at least an image of him.

"Oh dear. A bit of a mess, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window at New Vineyard.

"We had a deal. I don't try to stop you, my friends and family go unharmed." I snarled at him, in my rage, nbot quite registering that I was snarling at Rakshasa.

"Well, yes, and that deal still applies. I have done nothing to harm you and yours." He replied. "Do you suppose all those buildings were insured?"

"That demon chose me as the first target."

"Oh, you wanted to make deals with all the demons in Hell as well?" He said, finally turning to me. "Because that is a horse of a different color. I agreed I would not harm them when the world was bathed in hellfire, but I can't speak for every single demon out there. I am President now, therefore I cannot hold another political office, so, while the invasion is in progress, I am no longer King of Demons. Once I have destroyed this world, all of your friends and family will be safe but, until then, I hold no sway over them, officially."

I would have wanted to punch that smile off his face if it wasn't so damn creepy.

"Ah, there's that look of horrible realization. Rake had it, Shasta had it, that Greek soldier I first possessed had it...essentially, everyone I have ever made a deal with, really." Rakshasa grinned even wider. "Oh, if only I had a camera every time I saw someone's face like that. And yes, I may have let slip that your friends and family will be unable to be killed after this point, when I regain my throne, so they may be out for you and yours specifically, but, well, you know how gossip spreads. Oh, no, I was mistaken. THAT is the expression I want to have photographed every time. Well, I have important world-destruction to do and I am sure you will be busy trying to defend your loved ones from this new horrid revelation." An eye opened on his shoulder which glanced down at Judy. "I do hope you are every bit as successful with that as you have been today."

Then he disappeared and Dina knocked me out when I was arguing that I should stay.

And now I'm at a collection of third and second-rate superheroes and villains, wondering where the first stringers are and trying not to kill each other in the process.

I'm sure this will all end up great.

The Speech

Just in case you didn't get a chance to see it before the world started to end, here's Jonathan Rake's Innaugural Address. And, oh, when he was sworn in, he didn't use a copy of the bible.

Rake started the speech by laughing maniacally.

"I apologize. For a long time, I have dreamed of this moment. Frankly, I am a bit overwhelmed.

I want to thank you, the people of the United States of America, and the people of the world itself, for making the office of President what it is today. In its first incarnation it was meant as a balanced figure, not a leader but, rather, a manager, the face behind the law the other branches create and enforce.

But you, you the people have made it so much more. The President is a symbol of freedom. "The Leader of the Free World", people have called the possessor of this office. You, and the traditions of the nation, and how other nations view this land, have made the office of President so much more than it was intended, perhaps not the leader in the letter of the law, but very much so in the spirit.

And, it turns out, the spirit is all I need."

Then he turned into his weird tiger-headed form and the screaming started.

"It was so easy to manipulate you all. Give you something too good to be true and like sheep you never questioned if it was.

Much like Rake, really. I gave him a chance to be in power. He realized he was too much of a nice guy. Nice guys never really make it in American politics. They end up building houses for the poor, all but forgotten and abandoned for the cutthroat, the ruthless. And if it makes you all feel better he regrets what he promised me for this chance.

Oh, I should get on to business before someone tries to stop me."

His tentacles formed and lashed out and killed all the guards who had been rushing to him.

"As I was saying, I am now leader of this country. I own all of the government-owned land, all of the borders, everything. In your perspective, anyway. I now am the symbol of this nation as much as the flag. I am the face the United States presents to the world.

And, as my first act as President, I declare that all portals to the Demon World, all those government owned and protected areas of land, be opened. Now."

He "smiled" then much wider than he should have been able to.

"Now, if the band could start playing 'Hail to the Chief', that would be lovely."

He didn't keep his word, I'm not going to keep mine.

He's going down.

It's Begun

It's been about two hours since Rakshasa put his plan into motion.

Demons are rampaging across the country. Heroes and villains alike have answered the call to stopping them.

And there's already been a casualty.

The doctors are swamped, but they told me she'll probably wake up some day. They don't know exactly when, but they're sure she'll wake up.

It's all my fault. It's my fault. She flew in front of me and I didn't have time to stop my bracer. I didn't.

The wave just hit her and the demon. If only I could have acted faster. I should have been able to act faster.

Quizzer's telling me a bunch of heroes and villains and stuff are meeting somewhere out east to figure out how we're going to deal with this and we should probably get moving fast. But I don't want to leave her here. Not undefended. I mean, Dina's offering to stay behind and watch her but I'm the one who put her in a coma it's my responsibilit

Hey, this is Quizzer. Dina just knocked Doc C out. He'll write again when he wakes up and we're on our way.

Not long now

I can't sleep. I really can't. It's time. I mean, it's nearly time, less than a day.

Judy isn't worried. She's sleeping soundly.

What should I do? What should I have done? How will I be remembered after all this is over with? The coward who did nothing while the world burned?

...I need a drink.

This Old Secret Lair

It's really not as hard to convert part of a secret lair into a nursery as one might believe. Though it is pretty time consuming. Especially when the mother to be wants a specific brand for everything in her nursery. And guess what? It's all really expensive things that have to be stolen. Well, they don't have to be, but I am a supervillain. No way am I actually gonna buy a thousand dollar crib.

And, of course, the tabloids have taken this opportunity to question whether I'm the one whose child is being born, since I've suddenly gone on a big baby-stuff stealing binge.

Which, rumor-wise I kinda prefer to the truth of the fact that I'm just supremely whipped.

But, after battling various superheroes and traveling across the nation, Dina's nursery of doom is complete. Now I get to sit back and relax.

...or I would if the inauguration wasn't tuesday at noon.

God damn it. Oh well, that was a nice distraction, at any rate.

Post-Election Report

We live in a multiverse. I know this first hand, because I have fought alongside and against versions of myself from alternate realities. Cowboy Cataclysm from the Cowboy Universe was just confusing.

In one universe, maybe the US just got its first black president.

In another, maybe the first woman or hispanic or middle eastern president. And great for those universes, I say.

In this universe, as of last night, we got our first eldritch demon lord president. And, yet, he's still a middle aged white guy. No, Voodoo Zombie Nixon doesn't count.

He won't get power for another two and a half months. Maybe someone will figure out Rakshasa's plan before then.

The worst part is, I'm getting so frustrated about this. It makes me want to do something. Something drastic.

Time to hold the city for ransom again.

Making A Choice

Seriously, you guys. You need to have someone to rub aloe on you. Everyone needs someone who'll do that in their life.

Judy treating my wounds was about the first good thing to happen to me for a while.

Right after my post yesterday, seconds after I hit "publish", Rakshasa showed up. Behind me.

Which caused me to jump out of my chair and yell "Gah!" It was not one of my finest moments.

In my defense, though, Rakshasa is freaking terrifying. Yeah, from his description, doesn't sound so bad, right? Has the head of a tiger, his hands are monkey paws that are on backwards, tends to wear expensive looking clothes. Has funky blue eyes. Weird, yeah. Creepy, definitely. But not terrifying.

Yeah, right. Y'see, there are things moving under his skin. None of his limbs bend right, and whenever he moves it looks really creepy and exaggerated--or you don't really see him move at all. And, every once in a while, somewhere on his body, an eye just opens, sometimes in the middle of his clothes, before closing and disappearing completely.

That, and there's a palpable aura that something is wrong in the universe whenever he's nearby. That kinda sucks.

"Hello, Mister Ferrian, I do hope I'm not...interrupting anything." He said in a calculating, 'I can kill you right now and not really break a sweat' kinda way. That cat head fits him, because I felt the whole time like a mouse between a tabby's paws.

And, master orator I am, I yelled, "Rakshasa!" At him. I'm such a brilliant criminal mastermind.

"Yes, yes, we've established who I am. Now, on to why I'm here. I know you found out about my plan--well, part of it, at least. Though I may not be giving you enough credit. I'm horrible about underestimating you mortals." He was talking to me now like I was a particularly bright pet. Like he wanted to give me a dog treat. "Now, I've come here not to threaten you...oh, well, that's a lie. I have come here to threaten you, but not explicitly. You see, this plan means a great deal to me. And, while no one who reads your silly little blog can or will do anything about my plan, you can. So, I would like to make a deal." The king of all demons smiled at me. That smile was about ten times worse than Death's Head's. "You do nothing to harm my affairs in becoming leader of this country, and when my legions consume this world in hellfire, you and your loved ones will be spared. However, if you try to get in my way," Rakshasa is a shapeshifter. Did you all know that? Because I was a bit surprised when he started to turn into a large mass of tentacles made of shadows and eyes. "Then I will take that which you love most away from you. Your friends. Your family. And your lover." Then he turned back to his 'normal' self. "Though your sister has proven difficult to kill in the past. I guess I will just have to try harder in the future." He mused to himself. "Oh, and before I go," He started to say.

And then I was on fire.

My body can absorb energy, yes, that's true. But only really energy from this world. Hellfire? Not so much.

He disappeared some time while I was rolling madly on the ground. I can remember every word he told me, because it was, essentially, and implied agreement with the king of demons. And he always keeps his deals.

So, I have to choose. On the one hand, I was alive the last time Rakshasa took over the world and unleashed his hordes upon it. It was a nightmare I never want to see again. On the other hand...Judy...and Eliza...and hell, C.J. and Captain Visigoth and Jack Knife and Mechanor and, damnit, I'd even hate to lose Quizzer, because a villain's gotta have a nemesis.

I'm a villain. We aren't supposed to have the hard, world-shattering decisions.

...maybe I'll be lucky and the Scarlet Sorceress will beat him before this becomes an issue.