Aftermath

I'm not entirely sure how much we drank during the Decade's Finest, but when I woke up, I was on the couch with Deirdre sleeping on my chest like a cat, Lock was passed out with a bottle of wine in the destroyed remains of Deirdre's old crib, Load and Hex were in Hex and I's bed, both dressed like firefighters, Jack Knife was passed out with his head resting on the toilet seat, handcuffed to Red Water, who had passed out in the bathtub (which was also half-filled with gin), and Mechanor was in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls for everyone.

I honestly didn't remember the ceremony or our party until I watched it on youtube.

And by "it", I should mean, "them", because both our party and the ceremony had been uploaded, presumably by Kushiel on Lock and Load's orders.

I can't believe Quizzer won an award and I wasn't even nominated. Oh well, at least I got most of my villain predictions right. It makes sense that Death's Head won over Eliza, but I honestly don't envy the judge that made that decision.

Reader Mail!

Alright, alright. Been busy what with godly toddler and all, been planning some stuff, etc. Sorry I missed that deadline, um, months ago. Anyway, to tide people who still might be reading over, here's some reader mail!

Hey Doc. C
Why'd you change your costume? I thought the old Doctor's look was pretty sharp!
Jake from World's Edge, New York

--Well Jake, I liked it too, but honestly, I thought it was time for an overhaul. You know, get a new look for a new Doctor Cataclysm. Also, the catsuit chafed big time.---

Dr. Doctor Cataclysm
Something's been bugging me. If you're nearly invulnerable, why do you wear armor?
Sincerely, Diane from Athens, Colorado

--For one, it's about brand identity. The old Doc. C wore armor and, well, it just wouldn't feel right without it. Also, given the sheer number of times I've been blown up, I'm kind of glad to have that extra layer of duranium. I may be nigh invulernable, but I'm in no hurry to test that particular power's limits.---

Hey Doc C, you're awesome! Fuck authority! Fuck the system!
Blaze from New Vineyard, Illinois

--I'm going out on a limb here and assuming this is a Candleflames member. Oh well, nice to have a fan. Keep fighting the bad fight, little guy!

Hey, is it true that Lock and Load share everything?
Some horny kid from Basalt Flows, Texas

--Lock and Load have never shared anything, ever, past, present, or future, with anybody. Especially not with each other.---

What are Lock and Load's measurements?
Some other horny kid from Bastion, California

--Impossible without all their implants. Sorry, frustrated teenagers. They're fake. And by "they" I mean like 80% of their bodies.

Well, hope you enjoyed that cop-out. More stuff later. Hopefully that's even true this time!

ATTENTION

attention cockfags

Cockfags. Seriously?

my heart wasnt in that one

Obviously. I love being the smart one. Anyway, this is Load.

it was in your mom

We're twins you fat bitch. Anyway, starting on Halloween, Silas has promised he's going to start posting in this stupid thing on a regular basis again. He's said 2-3 times a week, but we all know how likely that is.

hey load

What is it now?

remember when those college girls were all talking about reclaiming the word cunt and then we asked if they thought vagina was offensive and then when they said no we called them penis sheathes because thats what it means in the original latin

Yeah, that was hilarious.

hey load

If you call me a penis sheath I am going to strangle you with your fallopian tubes.

youre a penis sheath

God damnit Lock I should've absorbed you in the womb. Anyway, until then, Dr. C's going to have a bunch of guest posts, like stuff from his fly honey Hex, three time villain bake-off championship winner Mechanor, and that drama queen that started raising shit in town a few months back.

i absorbed your mom in the womb

I hate you so god damn much. Anyway, stay tuned because you won't want to miss this thing updating regularly for like a week then nothing for months.

-- Loda "Load" and Loquai "Lock" Hunter

Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

Woooo, New Year!

It's a brand new decade, and I'm starting over: new Girlfriend, Less Angst, More Villainy, New Password to My Blog, and some leftover kugel that Mechanor made. It's pretty damn good.

It is 2010 and Deirdre continues to be adorable. You thought I'd talk about the angst from the holidays, didn't you? Nope! Adorable semi-devine babies.

I think she's going to start talking soon. She took a few steps over the holidays. It was precious. I'd also like to thank Mechanor and Jack and Jack's civillian boyfriend for preventing my crazy sister from killing my daughter over the course of December. That was nice of you.

While I'm thanking people, I'd like to "thank" Lock and Load for updating my blog while I was wallowing. Which is why my blog has a new password. Not that that'll stop Kushiel from hacking it. Sigh.

Okay, that sound means that Deirdre is upset I'm not using this time to feed and/or change her, so I'm off for now.

Hello Humans

My mistresses are too busy fighting amongst themselves to give you a proper update on Master Cataclysm's status, so they have tasked me to do so. I am Kushiel, Lock and Load's computer. No, I am not named for fantasy bondage erotica.

He is currently still brooding over certain things said to him by one Judy Barracs, his former lover. Meanwhile, Miss Hex also broods because she continually hints to him that she is infatuated with him but, alas, Master Cataclysm has yet to pick up on her hints despite them being, on occasion, glaringly obvious.

Oh dear. Madam Lock and Madam Load have pulled weapons on each other. I had best smooth over the situtation.

Haha You People Read Silas's Blog

Hey internet slaves wazzup this is Lock. You know im the sexy twin of Lock and Load. Load is an ugly slutbag and ihwehwadabdb;dbeubr

God Lock is such a fat whore. This is Load. Silas is being all emo and Dr. Nofun so we're hyjacking his blog. And I

Hey bitchtard guess what Kushiel let me hack the post while you write it ha ha you dumb twat

Ohmygod, learn to punctuate you idiot.

You make me twat farmer.

Oh that is it I am going to murder you so hard your retarded babies will be able to feel it. Anyway Silas is having "girl troubles" which is code for him being a total sissy about Hex and that Judy whore.

Judy is such a whore oh my god.

God damnit Lock I'm trying to write here. Can you stop being an idiot for ten fucking seconds and let me write?

Your mom.

We're twins you idiot. Also, my mom what you dumbass? Anyway, it's obvious Judy's trying to use him or something. But Hex has to be all "Oh I want him to be happy even if I'm not with him." God you can so tell she's still a virgin with all that fairy-tale sparkly vampire crap she keeps spouting.

Inorite?

Stop it you dumb bitch.

Oh now look who cant punctuate.

I'm going to beat you to death with Kushiel you fat whore.

Oy

I am not good at updating this thing anymore.

In my defense, though, I've been a bit busy what with thanksgiving and preparing for the holidays. I haven't even fought Quizzer lately. I guess he's too busy fighting vampires or whatever.

Seriously, what is up with vampires lately? Is it that Twilight movie? Is it as bad as I've heard it is? Judy hated them with vitriollic passion but I guess Hex reads them on occasion. I haven't been able to get a straight answer whether it's ironic or not. So I'm assuming it's guilty pleasure territory.

Thanksgiving was me and Hex watching superheroes trying to stop that alien metal from consuming New Vineyard. Does it seem wrong to anyone else that China gets ravaged for years by the techno plague and no one finds a cure, but it hits and American city for like two weeks and all of a sudden there's a cure?

The holidays currently promise to be the twins, P.A.I.N., Jack and his boyfriend, Mechanor, and possibly Lock and Load again. Probably because those two can't resist a chance to freeload. Captain Visigoth is still MIA. Which is probably for his own benefit given what his (ex?) wife is going to do to him when she finds him.

I smile when I think of that mental image. Though to be honest Dina Might deserves the same.

Finally, Some Peace

Or, at least, until Lock, Load, Dina, Judy, and Eliza get back from the beer run. I swear at least one of them is probably not coming back alive.

Which leaves me and the guys and Mechanor. I never thought that C.J. and Captain Visigoth would be the peaceful, less rambunctious group.

Though Captain Visigoth is mostly being quiet because Jack and his boyfriend make him a bit uncomfortable. Which I think is kinda hilarious. I'm a little worried about Jack's boyfriend, though. I mean, yeah, Jack's a badass assassin/burglar, but Ricky's a bank teller (go on, guess how they met). I'm afraid Dina Might might forget and do something violent and fatal. Or maybe "forget" is the better term. Not to mention Eliza, though she's been on pretty good behavior lately. I think maybe the Angel is more in charge than she is right now.

Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, yeah, she's less murderous, but, it's still my little sister.

God, is C.J. throwing up again? What the fuck is he drinking, listerine?

Anyway, Captain Visigoth is calling me out on typing on the laptop rather than socializing, so I'd better go before he introduces his warhammer to my computer. Another damage report later.

This Is What I Have to Deal With

Load - "Hey, slutbag, that's my cream cheese."

Lock - "The fuck it is. I took it out for my bagel. It's mine."

Load - "Fuck you! You had your bagel like a fucking hour ago! It's my turn to use the goddamn cream cheese!"

Lock - "Oh, yeah, sorry, my mistake." *opens the cream cheese tub and licks a swath of it out"

Load - "That's...you're fucking disgusting, you know that?"

Lock - "Guess it's mine now, bitch."

Insert violence.

Seriously, they're like this all the time. Not to mention, remember, that this is my house and my cream cheese they're violating. Unless it was the fat free stuff, I don't remember. In that case it's Judy's, which means I'm going to have to keep her from suiting up and attempting to pummel Lock and Load...again.

Oh well, gonna go force C.J. to take a shower. More if I survive this madness.