Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

On Fellow Villains

So, Foundress isn't really all that bad, now that we've finally met. She's one of those "change/rule the world" types, so she's prone to periodic ranting. I can't help but think someday she'll be in Operation Mayhem because of it. They tend to like people with grand plans. And people who are very good at causing damage.

Of course, those two lines intersect at Lady Anaconda for a reason.

I'm less sure about the vampire and the ghost. Sanguinous and Wailing Kate, to be exact. They're both really, really theatrical. It's like Sanguinous watched every Anne Rice vampire movie and read every book to learn how to be a vampire. Oh well, at least he doesn't sparkle.

Wailing Kate, on the other hand, as I understand it, used to be an actress. It shows. For one, she's a theme villain. She does theater-based crimes. You know, I wouldn't have realized there were so many priceless play and movie-based items stored in New Vineyard without Wailing Kate's antics. She says she's a ghost but I'm not sure. Especially since she picked her name from local folklore and looks nothing like pictures of the 1940s actress she's supposed to be.

Why do we have, in a brand new city, a theater supposedly haunted by a 1940s actress? The whole theater was taken from Old Vineyard and transplanted by truck and boat.

Anyway, there's another guy called Synapse in town too. Not sure what his deal is, he hasn't been around long. Just robbed a bank last week. Seems to have telepathy or something. He has this full body suit thing, covers his face, eyes, hands, everything.

Hm. Capewiki says someone by that name used to be Quizzer's nemesis way back when. Hmph. Hope he realizes nerdboy has a new main villain.

Oh, and Hex would like to go on the record and say she isn't my sidekick, that she's just trying to get her foot in the door in New Vineyard. And apparently that involves being my sidekick.

Well. That comment's going to have me sleeping in the guest room. It was worth it, though. Deirdre's making sure I know she still exists, so I should check what's wrong. More, later.

A Year In Retrospective

So, in eleven days, I will have been doing this blog for a year. It's been a crazy year.

Weather machines, fishmen, unfortunate accidents, giant molten fathers, weddings, pregnancies, demonic presidents, giant conspiracies, love, loss....man. I hope every year's not like this.

Here's to hoping for a better year.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Me and some of the others--namely, Dionaea, Hex, Bruiser, Psychosis, Carrion Beetle, and Red Water--are starting our own little group of villains. Nothing tightly packed or anything, but we worked well together, so we decided to make something official. In honor of how we met, we're naming it P.A.I.N. (still doesn't mean anything). Lady Anaconda's already sent me a letter saying she was pleased with my success in fighting Rakshasa. Not that I'd join Op Mayhem. But still, that's pretty awesome.

And it seems like they want me to be the leader. That I'm less thrilled about but, hey, if they think I did a good job I might as well take the role.

...I was going to write something about something else, but it's slipped my mind completely. You'll see why, though.

I'm talking to Mechanor on instant messenger right now, and I asked it why it went to me when it needed a tuneup. I mean, there are plenty of mechanically inclined villains out there, right?

Apparently, Mechanor was built by a Ferrian. As in, someone with my last name. And apparently, it's a descendant of me.

He said something else too. Supposedly...um...before this time next year.

Before this time next year, according to Mechanor, I'm going to be a father. This could just be faulty wiring. God knows it wouldn't be the first time, but still.

So much for an uneventful year.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?

Lord Grim=TOOL!

I stand by my statement. Lord Grim is a tool.

Y'see, someone seems to have linked him to my post about the wedding in which I call him just that in response to him firing my good friend Jack Knife because of Jack's sexual orientation. And then he had the gall to flame me.

Honestly, I don't really care if Lord Grim wants to call me by certain...racially charged insults about my Scottish/Irish heritage in an inarticulate, poorly worded email. The guy has spent his whole career trying to garner favor with Operation Mayhem. Hell, he only calls himself "Lord" because so much of Op. Mayhem is former royalty. He's flip-flopped on policies in the past because Lady A or DH has come out with official opinions that differed with his.

So, I'm not too worried about "Lord" Grim. Because for one, Death's Head is Irish. And for another, Tallow and Viridian Fang are, last I checked, both on the Operation Mayhem Admissions Committee and in an openly lesbian relationship with each other. And, hey, what do you know. I just called Grim a racist and a bigot on a public journal. One that I know for a fact at least Lady Anaconda reads occasionally. And, woah, Operation Mayhem actually likes me. And has called Grim a mild annoyance in the past.

Wow, sucks to be you, Grim.

Just a Few Thoughts

Y'know, I really admire Operation Mayhem in some ways. I know I talk down about them sometimes, but, honestly, they've managed to form the longest lasting, most cohesive super-villain organization since the Renaissance. And two of the founding members are still in it. Well, at least two, anyway, as no one's quite sure if Devias is alive or dead. Sure, I might not agree with everything they do, but Lady Anaconda's certainly done well, better than most have.

In other news, I'm not sure what I should do for Judy and I's six-month anniversary--it's still not til October, but that's not too far away anymore. This is the closest I've ever had to a normal relationship. Does one typically do something for a six month anniversary? I mean, it's just the anniversary of us dating, not a wedding one or anything. I'll have to do research.

Also, more seismic activity down south at the Cataclysm Engine. Maybe I should check that out again. I could scavenge for more while I'm down there.

Oh, and lastly, my brother C.J. is alive. He and a few other super-powered mercenaries did some sort of daring ariel raid and absconded with some new chemical prototype for an unknown client. Though my guess would be Snake Eyes. Good to know he's not dead.

Still Alive

It's wierd sitting to a fancy dinner at "Le Bien Viva" (Side note--I'm positive that's not real French, or Italian or Spanish or whatever it pretends to be) with a guy who has killed nearly a million people in his career. He looks just as creepy as I'd heard, too. Death's Head was all in this black suit, with a rust-red tie and vest. And while he was there, the restaurant was full of moths. Fluttering around the lights, landing on his shoulders and tie. And the air...it just kind of felt menacing, electric, and malicious. And anyone who says I have creepy eyes has not looked into the black depths of Death's Head's eyes. I don't even remember what the rest of his face looked like, though pictures are on CapeWiki. There's just something about him in person that's unsettling and confusing.

"Welcome, Mr. Ferrian, Miss Baracs." His voice was both smooth and somehow dissonant. And yes, Silas Ferrian. If you didn't know who my dad was before you do now. "I am glad you could make it. Please, enjoy dinner. It is Operation Mayhem's treat."

"I think before I accept a meal from the world's premier psychic assassin, I'd like to know why you asked us here? Or, more importantly, why did you frame me for trying to kill Rake?" I asked, full of false bravado. The presence of my lady friend helped to bolster my bluster.

"As you suspect, those two things are intricately related, Mr. Ferrian. And, as you have also suspected, we are responsible for neither this nor the previous attempt on Rake's life. Until recently, we have barely registered him as a threat." He drank a sip of wine that cost about as much as it cost my mom to put me through nursery school. "That is, ironically..." He trailed off. I imagine he knew I would finish the statement.

"..until he started framing you. So why hasn't Op Mayhem tried to assassinate him now?"

"You have, haven't you?" Judy chimed in. "You tried to teach him a lesson for this and it didn't take."

Death's Head smiled. That smile will give me nightmares. "You are quite astute, the both of you. We have never recovered the assassins we have sent after Jonathan Rake. No bodies, no taunt, nothing. As if something has gobbled them up whole."

A waiter arrived and took our orders. Predictably, Death's Head ordered nothing.

"Why are you telling us this?" Judy asked. It was me who answered.

"He's making amends."

The assassin stood and put on a hat that I still can't remember and nodded. "Yes. You are two very talented young "villains". The Operation always has an eye to the future, and we would hate for two with such promise to be poisoned against us. If you will excuse me, I must take my leave."

I'm pretty sure he was gone right after he said that, but I didn't notice him leaving. Just the moths petering out.

Operation Mayhem did indeed pay for our very expensive meal. Judy was very excited by the whole thing, especially learning Op. Mayhem has its eye on us.

I'm less enthusiastic, to tell the truth. I'm not a very big fan of killing--I avoid it when I can. In Operation Mayhem, killing is a necessity, it's part of the atmosphere, part of the job, and an all-engrossing hobby. Any organization of nihilistic sociopaths with members as prolific as them would see my lack of bloody violence not as a personal preference, but as a dangerous aberration.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. But I have my reasons for not trusting Op. Mayhem, even though I think Death's Head was truthful to us.

Oh well, I'm gonna mod my armor and take it out for a test run. More later.

Good News, Bad News, Wierd News

1-- The new power source is awesome. I get to rebuild all my devices and add EVEN MORE weapons. How awesome is that? Even more, more powerful weapons, that is. And what's even better is, unlike a fusion cell, it won't detonate into a tiny supernova if destabilized. Of course, Brannigan's design is somewhat lacking, but with Judy and I working together, I'm confident in my ability to spread at least 90% more carnage than before. Mwahahaha. This is the good news.

2-- The bad news. When we got home from our heist, I found a note on our kitchen table. It's from Death's Head. Yeah, the head of intelligence for Operation Mayhem and big league superhero Knight Watch's arch nemesis. He's invited Judy and I out to dinner. This would be good news, except DH is just as likely to invite us to Op. Mayhem as he is to poison us for interferring in Op. Mayhem's plot to frame me a couple weeks ago. Well, if I don't post late tonight, you'll know why.

3-- And now, the wierd news. Mechanor sent me a cake. It's pretty good. Not too exciting, but pretty good. God, what is with him giving me food? He probably wants a team-up or something. But, why is he giving me food? Who can tell what's going on in that mechanical brain of his?

That's it for now. Except for the realization that Dina Might's family's probably going to be at the wedding. And for those of you who weren't aware, her mother's a frost giant.

I hate Captain Visigoth.

Judy

I'm not sure what I'd do without her. No, seriously. These past few weeks have been trying, to say the least, and Judy, well, she's been my rock. She's believed me when no one would. She helped me find a solution.

The frame up, unlike my other problems, was worse than it sounds. But, of course, anyone with access to cable news knows what's happened the past couple of weeks. On July Fourth, a bomb nearly detonate under Jonathan Rake as he was giving his address. It was found by his security personnel just in time. This bomb, was you guys know, was Vaporizer Mk. II, one of the old doc's inventions. Suddenly, I was being accused of trying to kill the most beloved presidential candidate in the history of America.

I had stayed home that whole day. Hell, I slept through the address. So, suffice it to say I was taken a bit by surprise.

I mean, first my arm turns to stone and my lair gets flooded, and then suddenly a witch-hunt for something I didn't even do. Judgement and Stheno came to town to try to find me and bring me to justice. You know you have it bad when there's a Fury out for your head.

And the worst part, the worst part was the follow-up speech. "Doctor Cataclysm is just a product of his environment, he deserves pity more than scorn. He's the one who needs help." Blah blah blah blah. He forgave me. For something I didn't even do. Look pal, I'm me, and nothing can change that. And you can't even blame my environment. Look at who my dad was. Look at the example I grew up with. I'm nothing like him. Nowhere near as tethered by society as he was. I follow in my predecessor's footsteps not because I was from a bad family. It's because I'm free.

Anyway, my first instinct was to try to find out what really happened by watching the footage a few hundred times from different angles. That didn't help. Someone knocked out all security cameras in the freaking city during bomb set-up. No indication where the guy came from, who did it, nothing. And it's also a trick the old Doc did a couple times before. And no, it couldn't be him. He's dead. I buried him myself. And his grave was still in perfect condition when I paid my respects during the road trip.

Judy was the one who actually thought of how to prove my innocence. It took a lot of boring paper-work. But, the news says I'm innocent again.

See, I don't use those bombs anymore. Hell, the Doc stopped using the Mk II a long time ago. We were on Mk. IV during the Cataclysm Engine Incident. At any rate, through a big pile of beaurocracy I was able to prove that all of them had been sold off and I haven't made any of that model. I had to have Stheno listen as I talked, just so her wierd "guilt-sensor" could prove I was innocent. God I'm glad those two are gone. And you, of course, know where that paper trail led.

I swear, Operation Mayhem just has no respect anymore. Framing another villain. I mean, you have to be pretty depraved for Rakshasa to leave your organization. I thought that Op. Mayhem was supposed to be bringing us together.

But, then again, it doesn't make sense. Operation Mayhem doesn't mask its motives. It says, out front, that it has done something and why. It's full of some serious, old school villains.

Something here isn't adding up. It's almost like Op. Mayhem's being framed. By Rake? Maybe he's trying to make himself seem like he's more feared by villains than he is. But framing Op. Mayhem, that's, like, asking to be assassinated. So why haven't they gone after him again, if they ever did in the first place.

I'm getting the feeling I'm on the brink of some kind of understanding about all this. I wonder what it is. More importantly, I hope it doesn't drag me into it again.

Anyway, gotta go get ready to visit Judy's parents. Wish me luck.