Eww

So, watching Red eat a siluriforme--actually pretty gross. It was like a cross between Shark Week and Hannibal Lector. No fava beans or chiati, though.

Judy's wrecking downtown and demanding rematch with Quizzer. Girl does not like to lose. I think I'm going to make some popcorn and watch her get trounced. 'Cause, I mean, even if he doesn't have that power boost like he had before, don't think Scarab knew that Quizzer's girlfriend's in town. AKA, Miss Atom.

Oh right, that Cruise Ship thing. Basically, there were two traps--one for Arsenal, and one for yours truly. Because the Arsenal's made of that funky alien metal, and my old boss was, first, a metallurgist, they figured I could use my knowledge and tech to help them catch him--whether I wanted to or not. God Agent Spider is a dick. And because I am also a dick, I refused to cooperate--because, let's face it, soldiers and high tech gizmos aside, there's not much they could've done to keep me there--unless Quizzer was brought on board too. Because if I'm going to be suffering, he's going to be suffering too.

They actually refused my first couple ideas, because like typical goody-two-shoes, they actually wanted to capture the psychopath for rehabilitation. I mean, this is the guy who tried to convert part of his mass into an atomic bomb so he could nuke the Tower, just to get at Snake Eyes. He would've killed hundreds of thousands, most of those innocents, if he'd succeeded.

It went about as well as you'd expect. The Arsenal showed up, ready to cause amounts of property damage even I find excessive in order to get his revenge, my trap goes off and Spider completely screws it up. We all--except Quizzer--get blasted. Quizzer manages to talk the Arsenal down from his rampage and be the big hero. I hit Arsenal when his back is turned because, unlike the Blue Q and Spider, I have enough forsight to know that you don't capture a rapid dog, you put it down.

Then the pain started.

Turns out the Arsenal's armored skin's a bit tougher than I thought it'd be. Of course, I'm in duranium armor and nearly indestructable, so you can imagine the sort of fight the two of us have. I think in the end I roughed him up pretty good, but he did the same thing to me. Eventually, Quizzer took his side and I emergency teleported out of there.

Not sure what happened next but the carnage stopped, so I'm guessing the three heroes came to some accord. Well, two heroes and Arsenal, at any rate. Twenty bucks says this bites Spider in the butt. The worst part is I didn't even get anything out of it save the chance to shoot an antihero in the back. None of the "high profile cargo" were who the logs said they were--all of them were soldiers in costumes and makeup. Rip-off.

What Happened With Judy

Okay, going to start my triumphant return by starting to explain what happened with Judy.

She went completely insane.

Okay, that's not fair to her, and I recognize this, but still. She got out of her coma, put on new battle armor, started calling herself "Scarab" and took over my tri-city takeover. She threw me from an altitude of a few thousand feet! Onto concrete!

And she threw her pregnant friend out of the base, and took it for her own. And she burned most of the stuff she didn't throw out into the bottom of Lake Michigan.

So, as you can probably tell, we so broke up after that.

My first plan was thus--summon the rest of my criminal organization, P.A.I.N--That's Hex, Dionaea, Bruiser, Red Water, Psychosis, and Carrion Beetle--and show her that I'm still New Vineyard's #1 Badguy. Unfortunately, Scarab had my state-of-the-art battle fortress upgraded even further, because she's smarter than me, so not only were the old weaknesses all gone, but she also warded it against magic somehow. Hex thinks that she has some magic know-how now from her time in Hell.

Which lead to me summoning Rakshasa and trying to make a deal with him. I just wanted information, and he just wanted to make an entry into my blog. The info he gave me was...not very helpful. "As you are, army or no, you will never beat Judy."

Turns out, I didn't even need to, which was both disappointing and embarrassing. Quizzer, somehow, managed to take Judy down--without his A-list girlfriend Miss Atom, either. I'm not entirely sure how he managed it, but he picked up one of the battle fortresses with his mind and threw it at the main one. From all accounts, the third then tried to attack the city below but was stopped by the Mississippi Grizzly. God that guy's strong.

In my defense, he probably only managed it because Scarab's attention was fully on fighting Quizzer rather than coordinating an attack. Now, in the past, Quizzer could never even really beat June Bug, so I was kind of surprised when he was on even footing with that new Scarab armor. He hasn't been this strong since that fight, either, so I'm pretty sure it's draining to do so...or maybe he had something boosting his telekinesis. Hmmm.

Anyway, Judy emergency teleported away when it was clear that the Blue Q was going to kick her ass. Then Dina, Hex, and the rest of us made our escape, salvaged what was left of the fortresses, and retreated to my hideout.

I haven't seen much of Judy since, though Scarab has made a few attacks here and there around the country. Probably getting stuff to repair her armor.

I was so into her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

It's not as bad as it could've been, though. I mean, P.A.I.N. are my teammates, but they're my friends too. Hex has been really cool these past few months, helping me out. She's a good friend.

Deirdre's up again, so I have to go perform my fatherly duties. More on why I have a daughter later.

THIS IS WHY YOU STAY SINGLE PEOPLE

Oh my god.

I am so angry right now.

I loved this plan. It was going so well. The heroes couldn't do jack without blood on their hands. All Judy had to do was say she wanted in on it and I would've shared.

Instead, she kicks me out! Dina too! She kicked her pregnant friend out. Lousy June Bug--Excuse me, Scarab.

Yes, that's Judy under the bulky spiky black armor. Apparently, what she 'brought back' wasn't a demon or an interdimensional parasite or anything like that. It was knowledge. And a major attitude problem. Locking me out of my own base. Commandeering my TrEyeumvirate. Beating the tar out of my nemesis.

You know what? She doesn't wanna be a team player? She wants to take everything from the guy who sat beside her bed for months wating for her to wake up? Well, two can play at this game. Yeah, she has my tech, my gear, better equipment, and a much higher IQ than me. Yeah, that angry Scarab armor can kick my ass even armored up. But I have one thing she doesn't.

Backup.

Time to give P.A.I.N. a trial by fire.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 2

So. Many of you are probably wondering what happened next.

Honestly, I've been having a hard time thinking of how to write it down or put it on "paper". Guess it's writer's block or something. Cut me some slack. I spend most of my day at the hospital waiting for my girlfriend to get out of a coma.

I'll finish it up some time this week. I promise. I just need a bit more time to clear my head and stuff and figure out how I'm going to write up events so chaotic. Even I don't know everything that happened, and I was there.

Eh, while I'm typing I might as well advance the narrative a bit. It'll give me something to do while the chances Judy's ever going to wake up dwindle.

So, knocking on the Scarlet Sorceress's door was pretty much a bust. No one answered, but we--and by we I mean Quizzer and I, as everyone else scattered to try to find more members--noticed that lights were on, car was in driveway, and the door was unlocked. In fact, it wasn't even completely latched.

So, being the only sensible people in P.A.N.I.C, we suited up and cautiously walked inside rather than burst in as was suggested over our cell phones by some of our "colleagues".

I'll spare you the disgusting details of what we found, but suffice it to say that the Sorceress was encased in some demonic booger webbing and being guarded by rather ugly demons that I still feel like throwing up when I remember.

The fight was over pretty quick and no, not in the good way for us. I mean, we won, but just barely, and largely because Quizzer and I, rather than attack the demons, attacked the coccoon. Once free, the Sorceress made quick work of them.

Yes, I was saved by a girl. Shut up.

Well, saved isn't quite the term, because before she could really regain her thoughts she snared us in some weird magic ribbon and demanded to know who we were. Then we explained why we were there and what was going on. I'd like to say we did this calmly and rationally, but no such luck. We were both afraid she was going to nuke us or turn us into rabbits or something. Of course, had we known then she was having trouble with her magic, we would have been a bit calmer.

Apparently, after surprising and incapacitating her, Rakshasa took Scarlet Sorceress's magic book. You know, the one you always see her with? Key to her powers, apparently, which is why she couldn't just break through. Rakshasa didn't kill her because for one, he (eww) seems to have a thing for her and two, apparently if the person who has the book dies it just picks another person.

The Sorceress let us go then, and we brought her back to P.A.N.I.C. (and no, doesn't stand for anything) and then planned our big assault on Rakshasa. That's where, literally, all hell broke loose, I got a little bit of revenge, and this whole thing got tied up, finally.

Except for...

The Story Thus Far

Judy and I had an argument right before the inauguration. She didn't see what I was so worried about, if there was a truce with Rakshasa.

So she stormed off and I went to follow her. I saw the inauguration like people see important things in movies--from tvs in a store window.

Then there was a big rumbling and I realized that there might've been an alterior motive for Brannigan building this island where it did. Say, maybe there was a transdimensional rift right here. Maybe a few hundred feet in the air. Something like that would be an excellent power source.

Unfortunately, when it opens to Hell, that means when Rakshasa opens up all the portals to Hell, that a monster born from nightmare a couple hundred feet tall and about that wide crashes through it. The Brannigan Building exploded, which caused a lot of damage, but the massive wall of pustulant flesh that oozed from its wreckage that was the real problem.

I caught up with Judy right then, and before either of us could say anything, an eye the size of a mini-mart opened in the center of the oozing thing's mass, centered on us, and fired an eye beam.

I pushed Judy out of the way and took the whole thing myself. It really, really hurt, and knocked me through a bank, which right now I realize is so ironic it hurts, but it was fortunately just a force beam and not a demon laser or hellfire or anything. I think Judy called out my name, but I didn't quite catch it, because before I could completely collect myself, she teleported her armor to her and shot towards the thing.

And a pseudopod of flesh formed and batted her away like she was actually a June Bug. She landed with a heavy thump-crash that knocked her through several layers of pavement. By this time, I could see Quizzer throwing the wreckage of the Brannigan Building at the demon with his mind.

Now, I was pissed, so I turned my right bracer all the way up, into a focused blast. The focused blast is that thing that the old Doc used on American Steel to actually hurt him, it's essentially taking the full power of an earthquake compressed into one small point.

So I turned it up as far as I could, pointed it at the demon, and fired, and right at that moment, right at that very moment, June Bug shot up in between me and the demon, right in the path of the blast. I didn't know, I didn't have time.

It hit her and she had her gravity distortion up as high as it could go so when it hit her she flew forward like a bullet and smashed straight through its body, from eye out the back and it deflated or something and melted but I wasn't paying attention I was just running and trying to find her.

Okay. Took a couple minutes to calm down.

We found Judy in lake Michigan. Her armor was a bit warped. The doctors say we got her out just in time. They're confident she'll wake up. Probably.

I should be there with her instead of here.

Ugh, but, there's one more part to this.

At her bedside, I said, "Rakshasa!" And he showed up. Or, at least an image of him.

"Oh dear. A bit of a mess, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window at New Vineyard.

"We had a deal. I don't try to stop you, my friends and family go unharmed." I snarled at him, in my rage, nbot quite registering that I was snarling at Rakshasa.

"Well, yes, and that deal still applies. I have done nothing to harm you and yours." He replied. "Do you suppose all those buildings were insured?"

"That demon chose me as the first target."

"Oh, you wanted to make deals with all the demons in Hell as well?" He said, finally turning to me. "Because that is a horse of a different color. I agreed I would not harm them when the world was bathed in hellfire, but I can't speak for every single demon out there. I am President now, therefore I cannot hold another political office, so, while the invasion is in progress, I am no longer King of Demons. Once I have destroyed this world, all of your friends and family will be safe but, until then, I hold no sway over them, officially."

I would have wanted to punch that smile off his face if it wasn't so damn creepy.

"Ah, there's that look of horrible realization. Rake had it, Shasta had it, that Greek soldier I first possessed had it...essentially, everyone I have ever made a deal with, really." Rakshasa grinned even wider. "Oh, if only I had a camera every time I saw someone's face like that. And yes, I may have let slip that your friends and family will be unable to be killed after this point, when I regain my throne, so they may be out for you and yours specifically, but, well, you know how gossip spreads. Oh, no, I was mistaken. THAT is the expression I want to have photographed every time. Well, I have important world-destruction to do and I am sure you will be busy trying to defend your loved ones from this new horrid revelation." An eye opened on his shoulder which glanced down at Judy. "I do hope you are every bit as successful with that as you have been today."

Then he disappeared and Dina knocked me out when I was arguing that I should stay.

And now I'm at a collection of third and second-rate superheroes and villains, wondering where the first stringers are and trying not to kill each other in the process.

I'm sure this will all end up great.

My Agenda For The Day

1. Make a giant bowl of popcorn.

2. Sit in front of the news.

3. Watch all the heroes in the midwest try to stop the mile-high magma monster.

My Absence

Sorry all for no post. It's been kinda hectic lately. Y'see, some extra-dimensional jackass decided it'd be fun to pit a team of different versions of me from a dozen alternate realities against a similar team of Quizzers. The idea being that, if you put a team of identical heroes and villains in a battlefield realm, eventually it can be decided whether or not good or evil is superior. Which, now that I think about it, is so Star Trek it hurts. Though it didn't quite work out like that.

Y'see, in at least two realities, I become the new American Steel when father kicks the bucket. So those two didn't quite get along with the rest of us. No to mention the mirror-universe me, where Doctor Cataclysm was a hero fighting against the evil "Steel Trap." So, in the end, it was the vilainous mes and the evil Quizzers versus the good mes and the heroic Quizzers.

By the way, Evil Quizzer was hilarious. Still named Quizzer, though Limerick might have been a better name.

Anyway, that fight happened, and ended mostly in a draw before that extradimensional bastard sent us back to our normal realities. Except, of course, he sent evil Quizzer to this one in addition to normal Quizzer. At least the presence of two Quizzers helped corroborate my story better with Judy.

Evil Quizzer then kinda went on a rampage and had to be stopped by his heroic counterpart. The police have him in a specially designed holding cell while they wait for Doctor Fate to show up and use her (or is she male again? I can never keep track) extradimensional powers to send him to his proper dimension.

Oh, and also, there was a power outage at St. Toluca's, and all of the inmates escaped. That includes both Nuke and my sister Hatchet.

Joy.

What Happened With Nuke, Anyway?

Quizzer fought Nuke. The first time, Nuke kinda kicked his ass and nearly destroyed downtown in the process.

The second time, Quizzer broke Nuke's containment suit and tossed him into the lake. And a being made of fire that has been flooded is not a happy one.

After Nuke pulled himself together, he and Quizzer fought a third time. Only this time, he used me as bait.

I'm not entirely sure how he got me to agree to this. I so regret giving him my cell phone number. Anyway, Nuke went straight for me and threw large amounts of atomic flame at me, screaming something about the "spawn of evil". It was like being Godzilla's breath mint while Godzilla's also eating a street preacher.

Of course, all that really did was make my eyes glow brighter and my limbs a little stiff. While he was distracted, Quizzer and the Brannigan folks trapped him in an energy-based containment cell, which was then shipped off to St. Toluca's Home for the Criminally Insane and Superpowered, cursing us all the the while and promising revenge.

So, that'll be fun. I so don't have time to worry about that, though.

Because it became August Ninth without me noticing. Captain Visigoth is sleeping on my couch with Dina Might on his oversized chest. The wedding is Sunday evening.

More on that when I stop tearing my hair out from stress.

Loose Ends

Before I go into detail about the calamities of the past couple weeks, I kinda wanna talk about how the whole June Bug thing turned out.

A couple days after JB held the head of Brannigan above the city, one of the whackjobs on the radio came out with his typical inflammatory bullshit about the event. He started talking about how it must have been June Bug's "time of the month" and how "as a [woman], [June Bug] is incapable of any of the thing's she's threatened to do." And other completely stupid things. Look at Dina Might. Hands down the most destructive, callous, juvenile, and cruel villain of modern supervillainy. ...oh god, she's going to be in my city in a month. Why the hell did I agree to that?

Oh, right, alcohol.

In response, June Bug leveled his recording studio by hitting it with the force of a Judy-sized, but several hundred times denser, meteorite.

Of course, Quizzer showed up and saved the people trapped in the rubble. They never found the body of that shithead. Any time I bring it up Judy laughs maniacally and changes the subject.

She makes me so proud.

However, at this point, the police, army, and an angered Brannigan had put two and two together and realized only one person had the motive and ability to do these things.

Unfortunately for them, Judy Baracs, as I have mentioned before, is a genius, and figured that, sooner or later, they'd catch her. So, when Brannigan security, the National Guard's Anti-Villain Task Force, and a full SWAT team closed in on her, they didn't find a meek college student. They found June Bug with a tidal bomb.

The video of these three law enforcement organizations falling over and puking from the bomb's effects is on YouTube if you wanna check it out, by the way.

Once again, Quizzer showed up and, this time, there was a scuffle. And I am both embarrassed and proud to say that the Blue Q got his keister kicked in a way I was never quite able to. I was also able to get my first clear look at her armor--some sort of black mesh under a bronze-colored composite on her chest, hips, legs, and arms. On her back is a big ovoid dome, which has most of her gravitational compressor array in it. Her helmet is also bronze-ish, and has a pair of "mandibles" and "antennae", along with a pair of green lenses over the eyes.

After she pounded Quizzer enough to make her escape, June Bug came here. I have no idea how she knew about my underwater lair, but she knocked on the airlock and I let her in and, surprise surprise, it was Judy under that armor.

So, to summarize, she and I are living together now--which is fine. I mean, my base used to house a couple dozen workers in relative comfort. Half of the rooms I don't even use anyway. I'm, at her request, giving her some tips on supervillainy, though I doubt there's anything I can teach her, since she's already doing a better job than I have in the past.

So far so good with living with her. It's been a few weeks and I don't want to kill her yet. Of course, it helps we have plenty of room to wander off if we get sick of each other.

Gotta go get pizza with Judy, I'll write about the flood of Aught Eight next time.

Siluriformes, pt 2.

Yeah, I suck. But I have good reason to not have updated, which I'll explain once I finish saying what happened a couple weeks ago.

Okay, so my plan was that if the fish men have stuff that lets them access a global positioning network, it stands to reason that they might have networked other information, in something like the internet. So, I bought a laptop linked with my home computer to the coffee shop and had my computer find a connection and translate the information for me, so Quizzer and I could find out a bit more about the Siluriformes' inconvenient plans.

Turns out, their information network is a lot like the internet. And my computer's translator isn't always spot-on. Suffice it to say that I have seen fish porn. And I am never eating cavier or sushi ever again.

So, after I scarred myself and Quizzer (who is, by the way, a dorky redhead with glasses and questionable taste in clothing) for life, I found their version of wikipedia, and found out a bit about them.

So, apparently, there was a civilzation of fish people under the atlantic a way way long time ago. A fringe group thought that all surface dwellers needed to die, but the mainstream fish folks weren't so keen on that. There was a big war where lots of weapons of mass destruction were used, and when the smoke cleared, an island was sunk and sterilized of surface life and the fish people were nearly destroyed. The survivors of the anti-surface dwellers were exiled to a prison-colony under a freshwater lake system, where they lived and evolved for millions of years before I, um, accidentally freed them when my face hit the lake bottom hard enough to make it molten for a brief moment.

And now they're back and trying to annihilate the surface dwellers once again somehow. I'd just like to point out, before I start getting hate mail, that I had no way of controling where I impacted. Seriously. Not my fault.

Anyway, after we'd had enough of searching for random things on fishwiki, Quizzer (who, because he helped me out, will remain with his secret identity intact. For now.) and I went to the dock to see if we could find out anything more.

Now, I didn't have my armor at the time because, well, my plans were taking a bit longer than I'd anticipated, so I just had my bracers. Quizzer was fully suited up. I felt like I needed an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt.

We spent a lot of time just kind of looking around, Quizzer broadly hinting that maybe I should get my sub, me ignoring him out of spite. We'd just about had it with each other when a big thing that looked like a giant tuning fork rose out of the water. Okay, well, it looked like a giant tuning fork attached to a city block sized hovercraft covered in weapons. As we watched, the hovercraft projected this big holographic image in the air that showed Captain Deadfish himself. He gargled for a while and repeatedly pointed to my Judy with a trident and made it clear that if we did anything, no more Judy.

Of course, given that I pretty much instantly put two and two together and realized just what that thing was, I knew that Judy would have probably died anyway if we let it go off.

It was a device to pull all the oxygen out of the air for, like, twenty minutes at most. Long enough to kill pretty much every complex animal on the planet--at least, every one that wasn't aquatic in some way, shape, or form. I knew what it was because, well, I kinda have one down in the lair. Nothing as big as this, of course, mine's more for a room than the entire planet. But still, same premise.

Of course, only a Deviant Reactor could power something like this. And if that Deviant Diamond was found on the ocean bottom, that probably meant that the fishmen had this technology way back then.

And, of course, I had to explain it all to Quizzer. And then I had to explain how a Deviant Reactor worked. And then I had to put the whole picture together for him.

And then he asked me how I'd recognized it so quickly and luckily the fishmen started shooting at us before I had to make up an answer.

Now, fighting the Siluriformes was easy. Especially with my bracers. The trick was trying to figure out a way to stop the reactor and save Judy at the same time. And let me tell you, Quizzer was no help at all. I had to do all the planning, while fighting, while Mr. No-technical-know-how sat back and tossed fish left and right.

See, if you pull a diamond out of a Deviant Reactor, the reactor explodes. That's why there's that giant crater in Siberia where Devias had his lab. When Mr. Liberty pulled those gems out, boom. And it takes about a day to shut down, so even if we'd been able to start the shutdown procedure, chances were high that the remaining energy would still wipe out a lot of people.

My plan was genius and Quizzer is just to narrow-minded to see it. I wanted him to use his psychic powers, after I'd rescued Judy, to send the Oxygen Devourer to about where the prison colony is and let it detonate there. Two birds, one stone. However, he was all "morally oposed" to that. So, instead, the plan was just to send it into space with a combination my bracers and his powers. Lame.

I broke into the hovercraft, fought my way to the control center, and there I faced off with Captain Deadfish.

Well, faced off implies a fight. I just really smacked him around a bit, grabbed Judy, and got out of there.

Apparently, the explosion of the hovercraft was visible all across the northern hemisphere. Nasa is a bit pissed at Quizzer and I, though. Apparently, we broke some satellite or something. Oh well. You'd think they'd thank us for, I don't know, saving the world or something.

It was such a relief to get Judy back. And Judy was very happy to see me.

Veeeery happy. It's been a reeeeeeal nice couple of weeks, if you catch my drift.

Okay, just one more post and I'll be caught up on these things. Right now I have to go out on a double date with Judy, Quizzer, and his girlfriend.

There's Nothing Like a Job Well Done

This morning I had felt incompetent. Now, I feel like a million bucks. Funny what doing something right can do for your attitude.

For my raid on Brannigan R & D, I decided to take my submersible and an Incinerator tank. The Incinerator tank is a compact hovertank abosolutely covered in weapons--antipersonnel guns, flame throwers, a couple mini-missile launchers, and the main weapon, a giant plasma cannon. It also has a great red and yellow flames paint job. Look it up on CapeWiki, it's pretty sweet.

The tank is pretty much a must for raiding Brannigan. The place is a bunker built right into the island, big doors alloyed with metals not yet available to civilians, walls of thick, heat and shock resistant ceramic, gun emplacements, the works. There are rumors some big-shot superhero runs the company, but, really, given what I've heard they do, it seems just as likely a villain runs it.

Now, the obvious way in would be through thr front door. Instead of doing that suicide run, I burned a hole straight into the base of the hill the bunker is built into. The looks on their faces when the tank burst through a molten hole in the wall...people in orange jumpsuits scattered like rats, and the guards stared for a good ten seconds while all of the tank's independantly-firing weaponry went nuts. In all that chaos, I slipped out of the tank with a shopping cart and calmly rolled to a terminal, pausing only to toss and force-blast people in my way. My mask interfaced with the terminal, broke their childish security codes, and gave me a list of experiments and part storage in order of usefulness.

The thing that caught my eye immediately was "weather control device".

Leaving my tank to keep the guards busy and went to ransacking. A few plasma coils later, I blasted through the door leading to the weather control lab. The scientists were cooperative after I threatened to break every bone in their bodies, and handed me the device--a grey shaft, about as wide as my hand and as long as my torso, a series of spines on a wheel on the top and a smaller such device on bottom. About then, the tank warned me that a certain blue nerd had shown up.

When I arrived at my entrance point, I saw a somewhat-strained Quizzer projecting some kind of mental field around the room, shielding the guards from harm while he yelled at them to get to safety. Not one to miss a perfect chance, I fired a force blast at him from my bracer and knocked the surprised hero into a steel-alloy girder. A girder my tank then targeted with the plasma cannon.

Unfortunately, Quizzer's telekinesis blocked most of the attack, but his armor was scorched and, even more hilariously, his cape was on fire. He swore loudly and ripped it off, and by the time he was focused on me again, I was already back in my tank and driving as fast as I could for my submersible . I could see him mouth something like, "Where do you think you're going?" So, as I booked it through the molten tunnel, I projected a hologram I had prepared in advance just for him.

It said, "Well, Quizzer, you're a bit too late to stop me, but, tell you what. To make you feel important, I've just unleashed a half dozen missiles on various parts of this city. Now, you can either stop them or stop me...I'm afraid you don't have time for both."

Of course, I was lying. It ws actually a full dozen missiles that my submersible had fired. As I had predicted (heroes are so predictable, after all), he rushed to stop the missiles. For good measure, when I reached my submersible, I launched another dozen, just to keep him on his toes.

So, here I am, with a lovely, duplicatable weather control device...and I think I'm starting to get a plan on how to use it.

Oh, and for those of you who care, he stopped all the missiles. But from the news footage, it looked to be difficult.

Mwahahaha.

New Hero in Town

Alright, I'm calmed down enough to talk about what happened earlier today. I got up early to raid the junkyard, see if I could swipe some supplies from the junkyard out on the coast. It went well enough--I held the attendant at bracer-point and filled up the submersible as best I could with old construction vehicles, a jet or two, and what might have been part of one of Mechanor's 3rd mechanized infantry. Oh well, mine now.

I got back to the underwater base (best part about being the supervillain of an artificial island, in my opinion), made a reuben, and then got an Incinerator tank ready. I finished my lunch, and then suited up. Honestly, I was feeling really good about bank robbery--it was going to be my first on my own.

A little about my armor--first, I wear a skin-tight yellow suit that covers my whole body, except my face--head, hands, feet, all of that. It's mostly slash-proof, and blocks most kinds of harmful radiation and electromagnetic waves. (And it is NOT a catsuit. I swear to whatever hellpit Rakshasa crawled from, the next time someone says "Doctor Cataclysm wears a catsuit" is getting a plasma blast to the face.) Over that, I put on a featureless silvery duranium alloy mask with a pair of red lenses for eyes. This mask functions to filter my breath, letting me breath underwater, in poisonous gas, pretty much everywhere. The lenses enhance my vision, have zoom capabilities, and can see many different part of the electromagnetic spectrum. I also put on a breastplate, greaves, boots, and leggings. The center of my breastplate has a big yellow stylized C on it. Hidden in my armor are all sorts of gadgets, like a jetpack, remote controls for pretty much everything, and my emergency teleportation rig. And it's all made of duranium alloy, so it's virtually indestructable. Last but not least, of course, are the signature of the Doctor Cataclysm brand--the seismic disruption bracers.

Anyway, at the last moment, I decided to leave the tank behind. Instead, I rode the old service elevator left over from when this place was part of the engineering crew's base, back when New Vineyard was being constructed.

From the warehouses out by the docks, I used my jetpack to zoom downtown. It was a beautiful day, and I was still feeling stoked by the time I reached the First National Bank of New Vineyard--which, really, given the city's only a year or two old, isn't much of a grand claim. It's a faux brick building, designed to look like it's old Vineyard's bank--a refuge from early 20th century architecture, but it's really made of space age ceramic and reinforced with composite metal girders--or so my molecular scanners tell me.

Now, by this time, I had a pretty sizable audience. It was lunch time, so there were plenty of people in a hurry to get their banking done as fast as possible. This also meant the city streets were heavily congested, so I didn't really expect cops to show up until I was already gone with the money. Piece of cake.

The people on the street didn't start panicking until I pointed my right bracer at the wall and triggered it--it was on a low setting and pointing away from me this time.

"Funny thing about Midwest construction." I muse to no one. The wall shakes and starts to vibrate, huge cracks running down it. "Not really constructed for an earthquake."

The wall collapses in on itself, sending pedestrians scattered and a cloud of ceramic dust in the air. Most of the patrons were knocked to the ground by the force vibrational wave. A security guard was dumb enough to pull a gun, but a shockwave from my bracer sent him flying back through a plastic plant and into a fake wood paneled wall.

"Alright," I began, using my mask's voice amplification unit to make myself clearly heard over the commotion. "This is how it's going to be. You," I pointed to a teller, who jumped reflexively, probably afraid I'd use my bracer on her. "Are going to fill up as many bags as you can with bills as high as you can. If you or anyone else tries to notify the police, or plays hero, or tries to give me ones instead of hundreds, I cause this building and all the others around me to crash down into neat little piles of rubble."

The teller started to comply, and I smirked to myself inside my mask. Like taking candy from a... My train of thought was derailed when something that felt a lot like a cannonball slammed into me and knocked me out of the sky, tumbling down and through two parked cars.

"What makes you think you can threaten these people, crook?" Asked a male voice, kind of nasal and whiney. I pulled myself out of a Skylark and glared up. Floating in the air was a guy wearing what looked to be blue low-profile body armor, your standard superhero gettup, with a white Q followed by a question mark emblazoned on his chest. He was wearing a blue cowl over most of his head, and a pair of white-lensed goggles over that. He looked moderately muscular, but nothing special. However, he did seem to be flying by paranormal rather than artificial means.

"Who the fuck are you?" I replied, nothing injured but my pride.

"I am the Quizzer, and my question still stands, scoundrel." He replied, long blue cape fluttering behind him. I could tell he was trying, and failing, to make his nerdy voice sound more gruff and masculine.

"...the Quizzer. Seriously? What, are you going to start asking me trivia? Is there going to be a test after the brawl?" My jetpack flared back to life, and I started hovering again.

"The test starts now, scum. Try my essay question!" No, seriously. That was his battle cry. I think I was too stunned by how dumb he was to block his attack...that and, for all his stupidity, Quizzer was wicked fast, and fly-kicked me right in the sternum. I was knocked back a little then, but with my armor and my near-invulerability, I was still unhurt.

I fired a blast of concussive force from my bracers, but the little bugger moved too quickly, zooming around out of the way as they shattered some office building windows and back towards me with an uppercut that I was too slow to dodge. Again, I wasn't hurt, but he was starting to get very annoying.

"Does a little nerd like you really think he can beat Doctor Cataclysm?" I laughed, starting to charge in each of my bracers. I love that sound, a low humm that just builds and builds.

"What do you think, Cataclysm?" He said smugly. I hate that smug look.

I laughed again despite my annoyance. "I think it's time for a little kinetic mayhem." I fired a pair of seismic disruption waves so massive they flipped cars on the ground as they passed and tossed civilians left and right. Windows shattered on both sides of the street, sending broken glass everywhere. I figured, if they didn't hit him, I'd at least get a clean shot at him while he struggled to save people.

Instead, his smug look became serene, and all the cars, all the glass, and all the people, froze in the air. When the force blasts hit him, Quizzer grimaced and was knocked back, but some invisible force field seemed to block it.

"Nice try, Doctor, but how's about you get some of this stuff back?" The hero said, smug again. Then, the cars and the glass shot through the air, right towards me.

The glass, that was nothing. Even at high speeds, glass isn't even going to get through the yellow stuff. But catching a Buick in the face hurt, and what's worse, it cracked my mask's lenses and damaged the optics. And while I was holding my face, his telekinesis or whatever sent a Chrysler town car into my midsection. This both knocked me out of the air and temporarily knocked the air out of me.

I started to fling the town car off me, but Quizzer nailed me with a Camry, and before I throw that off, he dumped a Rubicon and some kind of SUV on me hard enough to smash me through the street and down into the sewers. Gas was leaking all over the place, and the sewer water was full of, well, what sewer water is full of. I flung all the cars off me in a rage, and, without thinking, fired up my jetpack.

The explosion knocked me out of the sewers, rolling while smoldering on the sidewalk. The fire, of course, didn't hurt me, but the explosion had knocked out my jetpack, I was covered in sewage, and to top it off, mostly blind.

"Had enough, Doctor C?" I heard that smug, infuriating voice ask.

"Don't worry, SuperGeek, I'll be back later." I think I said as I tapped a button on my bracer and activated the emergency teleport.

Now, it's worth noting that the emergency teleport I use isn't tuned for humans. If I weren't a nearly invulnerable energy absorber, all that would be left of me when I used it would be a greasy smear. As it was, it just hurt. A lot.

I peeled off my armor and put it in the Machine to be washed. Then I took a shower that didn't seem to be long enough and nursed my wounds by watching the first half of a few old Batman episodes--you know, up until the part where the villain is about to win, then change to the next one.

The first Doctor had no superpowers, yet he was toe-to-toe with American Steel, one of the strongest superheroes of his time, nearly every time they fought. Meanwhile, I get my ass handed to me my first time out by a half-pubescent nerd with a dumb name.

I think I need some ice cream. Next time, I'm definitely bringing the tank.