Showing posts with label Captain Visigoth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Captain Visigoth. Show all posts

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thursday is the New Wednesday

Okay okay okay, I'm a bit late. But hey, it's probably still wednesday somewhere. This would be a lot easier if I lived on Venus.

Anyway, not much going on Siluriformes attacked the city again, Quizzer held them off, Sinapse tried to make a deal with them and help them, blah blah blah good guy won, loser and fish-losers lost.

I got a phone call from Captain Visigoth. Sounded like he was in a Mexican bar. Never once asked about "his" kid. Good. She's my daughter now.

I guess this is what Mechanor was talking about last year. Deirdre becoming my daughter. I hope it wasn't talking about what Judy said.

You know, back in December when I was emo and Lock and Load took over the blog. Judy wanted to talk to me about something? Well...she wanted me back. She also said she was pregnant, which I called BS on. I mean, we hadn't slept together since before she was put into the coma. Unless she had the gestation period of an elephant, it couldn't have been mine, and, plus, she didn't look pregnant.

I mean, she would have had to have taken a sample while I was sleeping or cloned a kid by mixing my DNA with hers, but she would...

...oh wait, she's a super villain.

Fuck.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Deirdre

So, Deirdre.

Well, not long after the whole explosive breakup with Judy, Dina and I were settling back into the base when she goes into labor. And, since the father, my "good friend" Captain Visigoth is god only knows where, I had to take the pregnant half-jöttun to the hospital. Let me tell you, they are going to be repairing that maternity ward for a while. I mean, she was in labor for twevle hours at least, and every time she thrashed or kicked with that super strength of hers behind it, something blew up.

At some point I got so tired even the sounds of her destroying the hospital started to lull me to sleep, so I dozed off in like the only remaining chair around.

Now, some of you might be thinking: why didn't you go in there and hold her hand or something? What kind of gentleman are you? Answer: The kind that enjoys having non-broken bones. She's not my wife, I'm not going to put myself in intensive care for her. It kind of feels good to be able to say that without Judy punching me.

Anyway, when I woke up, the doctors were trying to hand me what I could only assume was Dina's baby, saying congratulations in the tone one uses when a gun is pointed at them.

The conversation went something like this:

"I'm not the father."

"The mother threatened us unless we processed her signing over custody to you."

"WTF"

"Sorry man."

In essence, Dina decided she didn't really want a kid either, so she didn't even bother naming her daughter before skipping town. Turns out if your mom's a frost giant, having a kid doesn't slow you down much. So Dina used the only tool she knows--brute force--and got her daughter adopted by me while I was asleep and then took off, probably to try to find her errant husband.

In hindsight, I should have expected something like this after she asked what my signature was like.

So, I named her Deirdre Elizabeth Ferrian, after my grandmother and sister. And because I am both a tool and a doormat, she's now my kid.

Yep, I am now raising a baby that's half Germanic Demigod and a quarter Frost Giant.

I am not looking forward to the Terrible Twos.

But, I mean, it's been alright so far. Sure, she cries a lot but there's a seventy-thirty chance I'm awake anyway at any given time working on something anyway. And she's cute--I can already tell she'll be better looking than either of her parents when she grows up.

And woe to any boy who tries to take advantage of her. I'm already gearing up and excited for when I can threaten people when she's a teenager.

Anyway, I got a couple evil plans cooking up, more on that later.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

And Now, We Return You to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

So, Siluriformes are attacking the city right now with giant mechanical fishmen. I think I might record this. It's pretty good. I can see Quizzer fighting them from the hospital window. Gotta remember to salvage some of the pieces from the mechafish a bit later. I've been wondering what Siluriforme tech was like.

Judy sorta woke up yesterday. She said a few words and then passed out again. Something like "I hate hospitals". That's supposed to be a good sign. She was at least aware of her surroundings for a few seconds. Doctors are saying she should completely come out of it within the week.

Ouch, that's going to leave a mark. I hope they don't come closer to the hospital, I don't really feel like getting involved. Quizzer can handle this. He's the "big hero" after all.

Oh, by the time I came back? Dina Might's started to redecorate my base. She still can't get ahold of Captain Visigoth--personally, I think he's in Mexico doing body shots off of strippers and kind of in general being himself.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Of Course.

This is just my life.

This is how my life goes.

I spend all new years eve fighting with my nemesis against a crazy man made of nuclear fire rather than drinking and hanging out with my friends because I'm too much of a softy to let Nuke rampage around town when I know he's looking for me.

Then I come home at five in the morning and find the place trashed, Captain Visigoth gone, and Dina sobbing heavily while Judy comforts her. I tried to ask what was wrong, and Dina punched me.

Apparently, my old friend Captain Visigoth knocked her up. She told him this after the ball dropped and he took it poorly. As in, he ran as fast as he could away from her.

And Judy and Dina are such good friends so of course Judy would come to me and tell me--not ask me--that Dina's going to be staying with us until she gets back on her feet. Because "this is a hard time and I know you'll be understanding about this Silas. Won't you?"

God I'm whipped.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Finally, Some Peace

Or, at least, until Lock, Load, Dina, Judy, and Eliza get back from the beer run. I swear at least one of them is probably not coming back alive.

Which leaves me and the guys and Mechanor. I never thought that C.J. and Captain Visigoth would be the peaceful, less rambunctious group.

Though Captain Visigoth is mostly being quiet because Jack and his boyfriend make him a bit uncomfortable. Which I think is kinda hilarious. I'm a little worried about Jack's boyfriend, though. I mean, yeah, Jack's a badass assassin/burglar, but Ricky's a bank teller (go on, guess how they met). I'm afraid Dina Might might forget and do something violent and fatal. Or maybe "forget" is the better term. Not to mention Eliza, though she's been on pretty good behavior lately. I think maybe the Angel is more in charge than she is right now.

Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, yeah, she's less murderous, but, it's still my little sister.

God, is C.J. throwing up again? What the fuck is he drinking, listerine?

Anyway, Captain Visigoth is calling me out on typing on the laptop rather than socializing, so I'd better go before he introduces his warhammer to my computer. Another damage report later.

Friday, December 26, 2008

It's A Madhouse!

Okay.

I haven't been posting, but this time I have a good reason.

You seem I was right, C.J. did show up.

But that's not all.

My "good friend" Captain Visigoth sent out a bunch of invitations for a big Christmas get-together. Which is cool. The uncool part? He kinda set it for my place without asking or telling anyone that he didn't have my permission.

So, as we speak, my brother, my sister, Lock, Load, Mechanor, Jack Knife and his boyfriend, Captain Visigoth, Dina Might, Fallout, in addition to Judy and I, are all crashing in my lair for god knows how long. I've had to take care of them and get groceries and prevent Lock and Load from goading Judy into a fight and stop Eliza from killing everyone and I haven't really had the time to sit down in between all that making Christmas Dinner, the fact that Mechanor brought the fruitcake nonwithstanding.

It was some seriously excellent fruitcake, by the by. I'm not normally a fruitcake kinda guy, but that was some nice stuff.

God, it sounds like C.J.'s gotten into the wine again. I'd better go be bad cop and cut him off before I have to hold his hair back while he pukes and keep Eliza from hatcheting him while his back is turned. More on this wondrous holiday season later.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Wedding

It was actually a very nice wedding. Very classy. And everyone was on their best behavior. Judy totally cried.

I didn't. Captain Visigoth is a liar.

Awkwardness aside, it was kinda cool seeing all my exes. I'd sorta been out of contact the past few years with most of them. They're doing pretty good. Judy seemed a little intimidated, especially by Lock and Load. Or as she's muttering to herself, "The Improbably Busty Twins". She doesn't have anything to worry about, though. Dating those two was one of those things that only seemed like a good idea when I was heavily intoxicated. For one thing, those cybernetics never come off. Not even the guns. Honestly, same with Dionaea, though, obiovusly, for different reasons. Never date someone who is half plant. Trust me on this.

None of my family showed up, thank god.

And did anyone know that Jack Knife came out of the closet? I totally didn't until he showed up to the wedding with a dude. Good for him. Though apparently Lord Grim fired him as a henchman when he found out. Good riddance, if you ask me. Lord Grim is such a tool.

To continue bizarre trends, Mechanor gave me a blueberry pie. Dude makes a seriously excellent pie.

After the wedding, however, the party got a little wild. And by that I mean the American Steel Memorial Pier was demolished. Quizzer was smart enough not to show up--there's not much he could have done, what with a solid dozen fairly powerful supervillains in the area, not to even mention Dina Might's family.

All in all, it went a lot better than I'd expected it would have. Alright! Time for me to get some villainy started!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Wedding Preparation

Just got back from the rehearsal dinner. "La Bien Vida" is, technically, still standing. But only technically.

On Thursday afternoon, I got a knock on the surface elevator door. When I answered, there was a scrawny young woman with dirty blonde hair, torn blue jeans and a tank top. Her greeting was to punch me in the chest. To give you some idea how strong Dina Might is, I had to patch an exterior wall in my lair. And I still have a bruise.

She didn't mean any malice by this. In fact, after she dragged in a suitcase and watched me weld a plate into the wall, she commented on my ability to take a hit. I asked her not to punch my girlfriend, and she clapped me on the shoulder and laughed loudly.

Anyway, CV showed up a little while after with an armful of suitcases and bags. Most of them looked to be Dina's.

I'm gonna point out that Dina Might is significantly stronger than CV. See anything wrong with this picture?

I was also confused by why they were here rather than a hotel. Or, more accurately, I was suspicious as to why they were here rather than a motel. My suspicions were answered when CV said, "Thanks for letting us stay here over the weekend Big C."

I wanted to say, "Oh Hell No." But frankly, I was worried I wouldn't have a base left if Dina found out Visigoth hadn't cleared it with me and there was a domestic squabble.

After their stuff was settled, I introduced them to Judy. It went about as well as expected.

CV: Daaaamn Big C, she's got a nice....
Dina: *punches CV in the kindeys.*
CV: *doubles over in pain*
Dina: *extends hand* Hi hon, I'm Dina.
Judy: *power armored-knee to CV's face* I'm Judy. Nice arm.

I had my misgivings about CV getting married, but I think Dina might actually be able to keep him in line.

It hasn't all been fun times of seriously injuring Cappy, though. Apparently he couldn't think of anyone to invite to his side so he invited, like, all of my supervillainous ex girlfriends (Fallout, Dionaea, both Lock and Load, and Icicle). And my brother and sister. And Jack Knife and Mechanor, who I don't really have a problem with, but they round out the list.

Of course, I punched him for inviting my exes. And then I told Judy. And then she punched him, with her June Bug armor on.

Judy's excited about meeting my family. They probably won't show, though. I've gotten confirmation Eliza's alive, but she's locked up in St. Toluca's. And C. J. 's probably in some backwater third world country, either getting stoned out of his gourd or razing it to the ground. Or both. If he isn't dead.

The wedding's tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's not going to go well. But at least I'll probably get to see CV get beaten to a pulp some more. That ought to be fun.

What Happened With Nuke, Anyway?

Quizzer fought Nuke. The first time, Nuke kinda kicked his ass and nearly destroyed downtown in the process.

The second time, Quizzer broke Nuke's containment suit and tossed him into the lake. And a being made of fire that has been flooded is not a happy one.

After Nuke pulled himself together, he and Quizzer fought a third time. Only this time, he used me as bait.

I'm not entirely sure how he got me to agree to this. I so regret giving him my cell phone number. Anyway, Nuke went straight for me and threw large amounts of atomic flame at me, screaming something about the "spawn of evil". It was like being Godzilla's breath mint while Godzilla's also eating a street preacher.

Of course, all that really did was make my eyes glow brighter and my limbs a little stiff. While he was distracted, Quizzer and the Brannigan folks trapped him in an energy-based containment cell, which was then shipped off to St. Toluca's Home for the Criminally Insane and Superpowered, cursing us all the the while and promising revenge.

So, that'll be fun. I so don't have time to worry about that, though.

Because it became August Ninth without me noticing. Captain Visigoth is sleeping on my couch with Dina Might on his oversized chest. The wedding is Sunday evening.

More on that when I stop tearing my hair out from stress.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Villain's Block

I have no idea what to do for my villainy.

Seriously, I even tried going over those plans a stole a while back again. They're worthless. Gah, this is so frustrating. Maybe I'll go through my stash of gadgets and see if I have anything useful.

Oh, and by the way, Captain Visigoth and Dina Might are registered at Wal-Mart and a few various Army Surplus stores, including one right here in New Vineyard. Y'know, on the off chance any of the five people reading this wanted to buy two thugs a wedding gift.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Stuff

CV sent me a drunken voicemail today apologizing for the weekend. He's a great guy, but, seriously, he could use a little better self control. Especially if he's getting hitched. Especially if he's getting hitched to Dina Might, the woman who once broke a skyscraper with her face.

In other news, I'm worried about Judy. It seems like whatever bad stuff's happening at work is just getting worse. She's actually let slip a few things--something about a patent and a glass ceiling. I hope she gives me the whole story soon--who knows, maybe I can threaten a few Brannigan officials into submission.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I Hate My Friends

Okay, to give you guys some reference, I just got in.

From when I went out Friday night.

I knew it was gonna be trouble the whole time, too. You see, Captain Visigoth knocked. Read your history books--Visigoths were not known for their courtesy. Y'see, the big lug came to have a drink with his old buddy. He also came to ask a favor.

Mechanor, I have no idea why that guy was here. Or why CV decided he should go drinking with us, since he's a robot...thing, and doesn't drink. But the tuna casserole he brought, that was just wierd, man. The minute he...er, it, I guess, is more accurate. Anyway, the minute it came through the door, it handed me this glass dish full of tuna, cheese, and noodles, and said, "Mechanor has made you a casserole. It is very nutricious and should stimulate your oral taste receptors well. Mechanor does not need the pan back. Silicon is common and easily replaceable." It's a pretty good caserole, though. I'm eating it now. Needs some pepper, though. Knowing him, spices are probably frivolous. Like personal pronouns, apparently.

I know CV because, after he was freed from that Roman temple he was trapped in back in the 80's, he did odd jobs for supervillains for a while, before he broke out into fame of his own in the late 90's. One of those villains was the old boss. We used to go drinking and pillaging right before a big rampage, to get ourselves pumped. That was back in the Bulldozer days, of course.

Anyway, CV (Captain Visigoth, by the way, is his legal name) started talking about the good old days, and how he missed just kicking back and tearing down a city block or two. I didn't have anything else to do, so I decided to go, but I was a bit wary. CV was acting waaaay too considerate for me to trust him. The guy once headbutted an elderly security guard. Not because he was a threat, but because CV thought it would be funny.

So we went out drinking while Mechanor tried to analyze everything we did, and we were chilling in a bar, scaring the patrons, waiting for the cops to try to throw us out, when CV asked me if I wanted to be his best man in August. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend but apparently, he and Dina Might are getting hitched. They met at...some place. I don't remember. I had a couple bottles of Jack in me at the time. But apparently they've been dating for a couple years now.

CV's a really, really bad poker player, so I could tell he wasn't telling me something, but then the cops came and we had a big barfight. And, right in the middle of the bedlam Captain V asked me the second, and main part of his favor.

He wants to hold it here. In New Vineyard--he thinks the pier would be a great place to have it, and no other island's villain will let him within five hundred miles of their cities. A supervillain wedding. Not only that, but a wedding between two of the most needlessly destructive supervillains this planet's seen. Trashing up my city. Which, as I've said before, is my job.

Before I could answer, he threw a cop through the wall, told me to think about it, and then suggested we all go to a strip club. I tried my damndest to not go with him, since I hate how CV gets around women, but, an hour later, there we were.

It didn't really take long for CV to start getting rough with the girls, which I don't really approve of, so I got rough with him, told him to back off, and then, well, we got in a little fight.

And by a little fight, I mean we burned down most of the dock area beating the crap out of each other while Mechanor stayed at the strip joint, and, for some unearthly reason, tried to pole dance. I think he was trying to understand why it was so enthralling. Sometimes I wonder how this guy was able to invade the whole world.

Now, here's where my memory gets a little fuzzy, because I think that I agreed to both be his best man and let him have his wedding here if he both let me bring a date and got the hell out of town until then. He agreed, but before he could leave, Quizzer showed up, and we fought, and I used the time Quizzer was spending to beat up my friends to go hide out at Judy's.

I slept most of the day, and then Judy took me out to get some water and food in me, we fooled around a bit, and then I came back here and decided to condense everything that's happened on this blog.

I have a feeling I'm going to regret that promise. Oh well, time for sleep.

Friday, June 6, 2008

More Politics

Y'know, Brian Shasta has to be the one person made vice presidential candidate out of pity. I mean, as a senator he screwed up in pretty much every way he could--I understand he's a nice guy, but, really, politics ain't for nice guys. Hell, Rake probably kicks puppies when the cameras are off. And

Okay, there's someone knocking on my door. This is odd because I live at the bottom of a great lake.

Alright, gonna have to cut this short. Captain Visigoth and Mechanor just came by. They want to go out drinking.

I have a feeling this is gonna end in tears. And fire. Tears and fire.