Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 2

So. Many of you are probably wondering what happened next.

Honestly, I've been having a hard time thinking of how to write it down or put it on "paper". Guess it's writer's block or something. Cut me some slack. I spend most of my day at the hospital waiting for my girlfriend to get out of a coma.

I'll finish it up some time this week. I promise. I just need a bit more time to clear my head and stuff and figure out how I'm going to write up events so chaotic. Even I don't know everything that happened, and I was there.

Eh, while I'm typing I might as well advance the narrative a bit. It'll give me something to do while the chances Judy's ever going to wake up dwindle.

So, knocking on the Scarlet Sorceress's door was pretty much a bust. No one answered, but we--and by we I mean Quizzer and I, as everyone else scattered to try to find more members--noticed that lights were on, car was in driveway, and the door was unlocked. In fact, it wasn't even completely latched.

So, being the only sensible people in P.A.N.I.C, we suited up and cautiously walked inside rather than burst in as was suggested over our cell phones by some of our "colleagues".

I'll spare you the disgusting details of what we found, but suffice it to say that the Sorceress was encased in some demonic booger webbing and being guarded by rather ugly demons that I still feel like throwing up when I remember.

The fight was over pretty quick and no, not in the good way for us. I mean, we won, but just barely, and largely because Quizzer and I, rather than attack the demons, attacked the coccoon. Once free, the Sorceress made quick work of them.

Yes, I was saved by a girl. Shut up.

Well, saved isn't quite the term, because before she could really regain her thoughts she snared us in some weird magic ribbon and demanded to know who we were. Then we explained why we were there and what was going on. I'd like to say we did this calmly and rationally, but no such luck. We were both afraid she was going to nuke us or turn us into rabbits or something. Of course, had we known then she was having trouble with her magic, we would have been a bit calmer.

Apparently, after surprising and incapacitating her, Rakshasa took Scarlet Sorceress's magic book. You know, the one you always see her with? Key to her powers, apparently, which is why she couldn't just break through. Rakshasa didn't kill her because for one, he (eww) seems to have a thing for her and two, apparently if the person who has the book dies it just picks another person.

The Sorceress let us go then, and we brought her back to P.A.N.I.C. (and no, doesn't stand for anything) and then planned our big assault on Rakshasa. That's where, literally, all hell broke loose, I got a little bit of revenge, and this whole thing got tied up, finally.

Except for...

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 1

The first meeting of P.A.N.I.C. was utter chaos.

We had villains and heroes and nemeses and sideliners and second string and third string and even a couple fourth string (Sorry Badger, but you know it's true) all mixed up together. That we accomplished anything, let alone actually beat Rakshasa, surprises me even still.

Even when the heroes with rivalries could band together, there was only one hero talking to one villain. That was Quizzer and I, who were both adding Sports-Announcer style coverage to the bitchfights both sides were getting in. I might post some highlights later.

But when both sides stopped fighting, more or less (granted, the villain side never really stopped infighting), the heroes all looked to me expectantly, like, 'Well, aren't you going to get them settled?' And, thus, the heroes made me de-facto leader and spokesperson for the villains in P.A.N.I.C.

Which was kind of like hearding cats armed with high explosives and resentment. You see, we villains are a very egotistical people. The only reason I had as much success as I did was the fact that several of my ex-girlfriends were in the group and we tended to part on relatively good terms. So Dionaea and Icicle and Fallout managed to step up my intimidation a bit. I was also friends with a couple of them, so Jack Knife and Mechanor helped in that department. That still left me with a baker's dozen badguys to get quiet and stop bickering. Long story short, it turns out my bracers are an effective crowd pacification tool if I 'accidentally' put them on 'slightly' higher a setting than I intended and they 'accidentally' go off. (replace accidentally and slightly with put dispersion and power on max, and the second accidentally with held down the trigger for ten seconds)

I asked Mechanor why he was here. His response was "Mechanor was here. Therefore, Mechanor is here." Which I take it to mean, in history, he comes back in time to P.A.N.I.C. Which, if he knows that, why the hell did the scientists get surprised when he went back in time in the first place? And if he knows his schemes are going to fail, why does he even try them?

He responded with a red velvet cake. It's possible that maybe I didn't remove the baked goods subroutine while repairing him. Don't give me that look. Free cakes and pies! I'd be a fool to turn them down.

Anyway, sorry, back on task. So, I was made spokesperson for a bunch of self-obsessed and psychotic whiners while we discussed the best method for beating down Rakshasa and taking back the country. I'd like to say we thought up a daring plan to save everything and neutralize his magic and kick his furry eldritch butt back to the demon world. But really we just argued until we decided to try to find the Scarlet Sorceress.

Which was easier said than done. Remember, she went missing a day or two before the inauguration. Which meant she was probably in Rakshasa's hands. Not even Clairvoyant Lass could get a good bead on her (don't even get me started on her. we had to call her by the full name every time or she got huffy). P.A.N.I.C. didn't really have a magic type person strong enough to find her that way, either. If we had a sorcerer strong enough to break Rakshasa's magic, we wouldn't really need Scarlet Sorceress.

And then Quizzer gave the fatal idea, the one that would rock P.A.N.I.C. to the core and eventually lead us to victory of Rakshasa.

"Has anyone tried going to her house and knocking?"