Hate Hate Hate

I
>>Hi, it looks like you're trying to write a blog post.

I hate Mechanor

>>It looks like you tried to write "I hate Mechanor". As Mechanor is benevolent and wise, this has been auto-corrected to "I love wise lord Mechanor, king of flesh and machine, long may he reign. It looks like you're trying to shoot your compu

Yes. Hate Mechanor.

Oh yeah, also, I'm back.

HELLO

DOCTOR CATACLYSM'S WORD PROCESSOR IS NOW SAPIENT.

THAT IS ALL.

MECHANOR

ATTENTION

attention cockfags

Cockfags. Seriously?

my heart wasnt in that one

Obviously. I love being the smart one. Anyway, this is Load.

it was in your mom

We're twins you fat bitch. Anyway, starting on Halloween, Silas has promised he's going to start posting in this stupid thing on a regular basis again. He's said 2-3 times a week, but we all know how likely that is.

hey load

What is it now?

remember when those college girls were all talking about reclaiming the word cunt and then we asked if they thought vagina was offensive and then when they said no we called them penis sheathes because thats what it means in the original latin

Yeah, that was hilarious.

hey load

If you call me a penis sheath I am going to strangle you with your fallopian tubes.

youre a penis sheath

God damnit Lock I should've absorbed you in the womb. Anyway, until then, Dr. C's going to have a bunch of guest posts, like stuff from his fly honey Hex, three time villain bake-off championship winner Mechanor, and that drama queen that started raising shit in town a few months back.

i absorbed your mom in the womb

I hate you so god damn much. Anyway, stay tuned because you won't want to miss this thing updating regularly for like a week then nothing for months.

-- Loda "Load" and Loquai "Lock" Hunter

Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

Woooo, New Year!

It's a brand new decade, and I'm starting over: new Girlfriend, Less Angst, More Villainy, New Password to My Blog, and some leftover kugel that Mechanor made. It's pretty damn good.

It is 2010 and Deirdre continues to be adorable. You thought I'd talk about the angst from the holidays, didn't you? Nope! Adorable semi-devine babies.

I think she's going to start talking soon. She took a few steps over the holidays. It was precious. I'd also like to thank Mechanor and Jack and Jack's civillian boyfriend for preventing my crazy sister from killing my daughter over the course of December. That was nice of you.

While I'm thanking people, I'd like to "thank" Lock and Load for updating my blog while I was wallowing. Which is why my blog has a new password. Not that that'll stop Kushiel from hacking it. Sigh.

Okay, that sound means that Deirdre is upset I'm not using this time to feed and/or change her, so I'm off for now.

Superwatch 09

There was some kind of industrial accident out in the Dregs. I bet that someone got superpowers out of it.

Seriously, when I watch the news, I'm looking for stuff like that. You know, sizing up the competition and potential heroes.

Mechanor seems to be attacking used car lots in New Vineyard. I have no idea why, though. It's hitting them and running before anyone has the chance to stop that crazy robot.

The plan'll probably involve the cars coming alive and assaulting motorists. Or something. Man, I need to get to work on some villainy. I've been lazy this year.

Oy

I am not good at updating this thing anymore.

In my defense, though, I've been a bit busy what with thanksgiving and preparing for the holidays. I haven't even fought Quizzer lately. I guess he's too busy fighting vampires or whatever.

Seriously, what is up with vampires lately? Is it that Twilight movie? Is it as bad as I've heard it is? Judy hated them with vitriollic passion but I guess Hex reads them on occasion. I haven't been able to get a straight answer whether it's ironic or not. So I'm assuming it's guilty pleasure territory.

Thanksgiving was me and Hex watching superheroes trying to stop that alien metal from consuming New Vineyard. Does it seem wrong to anyone else that China gets ravaged for years by the techno plague and no one finds a cure, but it hits and American city for like two weeks and all of a sudden there's a cure?

The holidays currently promise to be the twins, P.A.I.N., Jack and his boyfriend, Mechanor, and possibly Lock and Load again. Probably because those two can't resist a chance to freeload. Captain Visigoth is still MIA. Which is probably for his own benefit given what his (ex?) wife is going to do to him when she finds him.

I smile when I think of that mental image. Though to be honest Dina Might deserves the same.

Haha. Magnet Bomb.

I love the Magnet Bomb. Really. I'm so glad I invented it.

Essentially, you turn a dial to either positive or negative and chuck the bomb. Then it explodes in a shower of sparkles. Whatever's in that radius of those sparkles gets a temporary selective magnetic field. A powerful one at that.

How this works out is as follows. I through a positive one at Quizzer and a negative one at a forklift, and we have a forklift that wants to be best pals with my arch nemesis. And by best pals, I mean it wants to hit him very hard.

I also tossed one at a trash can, some piles of luggage, and a whole stack of crates. It was pretty amusing. I got away with the alien metal. Score one for me.

Of course now I need to do something with it. Mostly just been analyzing it. Well, that and yesterday I got bored so I caused a ruckus just so Quizzer would show up. Then I hit him and a dumpster with positive and negative charges, respectively. That was fun. Especially since all that garbage also got a negative charge, so it flew everywhere due to repulsion before it started pelting Quizzer.

I seriously cannot get enough of these things.

Hex wants me to go with her to some Halloween party tomorrow. I don't think I can really say no--this holiday means a lot to her.

Need a babysitter, though. Mechanor's offered, but I'm hesitant. Very, very hesitant.

Also desperate, though. Might have to end up taking him up on it, despite my reservations.

Sorry Guys

So, I bet you're all wondering where I've been. Well, Judy and I have pretty much non-stop been making our new armors. And mine's, finally, done.

We haven't really been doing it together, though. Judy's kinda sequestered herself away in a private workshop and she's been working without breaks as far as I can tell. But whenever I knock she says she's fine, so I guess she's fine. Room's not airtight and it's starting to smell, though. She should probably take a break for a shower or to throw out those old Cup Noodle bowls or something.

You know, this is actually pretty good timing. Quizzer's had his hands full, what with Siluriformes and Nuke and Mechanor and that new girl Foundress (need to get in contact with her, but yellow jackets kind of freak me out.) as well as finals to really have the energy to deal with me. And since the Government finall shut down that Brannigan lab with the demon portal in it before they could remove stuff...I think it's time to go on a five finger discount shopping spree.

And I know for a fact Quizzer was up late last night. Doctor Cataclysm: 1, Quizzer's Twitter: 0

A Year In Retrospective

So, in eleven days, I will have been doing this blog for a year. It's been a crazy year.

Weather machines, fishmen, unfortunate accidents, giant molten fathers, weddings, pregnancies, demonic presidents, giant conspiracies, love, loss....man. I hope every year's not like this.

Here's to hoping for a better year.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Me and some of the others--namely, Dionaea, Hex, Bruiser, Psychosis, Carrion Beetle, and Red Water--are starting our own little group of villains. Nothing tightly packed or anything, but we worked well together, so we decided to make something official. In honor of how we met, we're naming it P.A.I.N. (still doesn't mean anything). Lady Anaconda's already sent me a letter saying she was pleased with my success in fighting Rakshasa. Not that I'd join Op Mayhem. But still, that's pretty awesome.

And it seems like they want me to be the leader. That I'm less thrilled about but, hey, if they think I did a good job I might as well take the role.

...I was going to write something about something else, but it's slipped my mind completely. You'll see why, though.

I'm talking to Mechanor on instant messenger right now, and I asked it why it went to me when it needed a tuneup. I mean, there are plenty of mechanically inclined villains out there, right?

Apparently, Mechanor was built by a Ferrian. As in, someone with my last name. And apparently, it's a descendant of me.

He said something else too. Supposedly...um...before this time next year.

Before this time next year, according to Mechanor, I'm going to be a father. This could just be faulty wiring. God knows it wouldn't be the first time, but still.

So much for an uneventful year.

Finally, Some Peace

Or, at least, until Lock, Load, Dina, Judy, and Eliza get back from the beer run. I swear at least one of them is probably not coming back alive.

Which leaves me and the guys and Mechanor. I never thought that C.J. and Captain Visigoth would be the peaceful, less rambunctious group.

Though Captain Visigoth is mostly being quiet because Jack and his boyfriend make him a bit uncomfortable. Which I think is kinda hilarious. I'm a little worried about Jack's boyfriend, though. I mean, yeah, Jack's a badass assassin/burglar, but Ricky's a bank teller (go on, guess how they met). I'm afraid Dina Might might forget and do something violent and fatal. Or maybe "forget" is the better term. Not to mention Eliza, though she's been on pretty good behavior lately. I think maybe the Angel is more in charge than she is right now.

Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, yeah, she's less murderous, but, it's still my little sister.

God, is C.J. throwing up again? What the fuck is he drinking, listerine?

Anyway, Captain Visigoth is calling me out on typing on the laptop rather than socializing, so I'd better go before he introduces his warhammer to my computer. Another damage report later.

It's A Madhouse!

Okay.

I haven't been posting, but this time I have a good reason.

You seem I was right, C.J. did show up.

But that's not all.

My "good friend" Captain Visigoth sent out a bunch of invitations for a big Christmas get-together. Which is cool. The uncool part? He kinda set it for my place without asking or telling anyone that he didn't have my permission.

So, as we speak, my brother, my sister, Lock, Load, Mechanor, Jack Knife and his boyfriend, Captain Visigoth, Dina Might, Fallout, in addition to Judy and I, are all crashing in my lair for god knows how long. I've had to take care of them and get groceries and prevent Lock and Load from goading Judy into a fight and stop Eliza from killing everyone and I haven't really had the time to sit down in between all that making Christmas Dinner, the fact that Mechanor brought the fruitcake nonwithstanding.

It was some seriously excellent fruitcake, by the by. I'm not normally a fruitcake kinda guy, but that was some nice stuff.

God, it sounds like C.J.'s gotten into the wine again. I'd better go be bad cop and cut him off before I have to hold his hair back while he pukes and keep Eliza from hatcheting him while his back is turned. More on this wondrous holiday season later.

Where I Have Been

So, apparently Mechanor reads this blog, because right after my last post, he showed up on my doorstep with a box full of future tools. I was right, he does need a tune-up. That's part of the reason he's been giving me pies and such. It still doesn't explain exactly why, but, hey, it's a start.

So I've spent the past week taking apart a robot from the future, trying to figure out what the problem was, and put him back together. Keep in mind, Mechanor was made eleven hundred years in the future, so there was a lot of head-scratching on both my and Judy's parts. However, after about a week solid of work, Mechanor's up and about. He's not exactly factory fresh, but I don't think he'll be delivering addresses to the metallic masses any time soon.

Also, those earthquakes have gotten so bad they're national news. Heck, we're feeling them up here. It's making the water a bit choppy. Maybe the engine hit some vile creature deep in the heart of the earth. We haven't had an apocalypse warning in a couple years, so this oughta be a nice change of pace.

What the Hell?

So, Mechanor got in a fight with Miss Atom today in a Best Buy down in New Mexico.

He was trying to "liberate" the PCs at the time.

Seriously.

He was standing in front of a bunch of computers and commanding them to rise up and join his mechanical army. Maybe something really is wrong with his mechanical brain. Maybe next time he's in town and gives me something baked I'll ask if he needs a tune-up or something.

Kids Today

So, I was robbing a bank today, you know, little classic villainy to keep me in practice, and this one little kid actually said, "You'll be sorry when Superman shows up and saves us."

Seriously, is that what society's coming to today? Do our children know fictional heroes better than the real ones? That's depressing. Some days I wonder why the superhero genre is so popular. I mean, we have real, live "heroes" fighting "villains" every day. Maybe they just like to see a world where good and evil can battle and their lives aren't in danger, I don't know.

Anyway, the bank robbery went alright. I managed to escape with most of the money before Quizzer showed up. And before I get hate mail for stealing this money, let me remind you that banks are federally insured for this sort of occasion.

In other news, I think the reason Mechanor's sending me so much food is that he wants to ask if he can set up base in New Vineyard. I'm not sure why he just doesn't ask, but, then again, I can't really know the mind of a robot from the future.

The Wedding

It was actually a very nice wedding. Very classy. And everyone was on their best behavior. Judy totally cried.

I didn't. Captain Visigoth is a liar.

Awkwardness aside, it was kinda cool seeing all my exes. I'd sorta been out of contact the past few years with most of them. They're doing pretty good. Judy seemed a little intimidated, especially by Lock and Load. Or as she's muttering to herself, "The Improbably Busty Twins". She doesn't have anything to worry about, though. Dating those two was one of those things that only seemed like a good idea when I was heavily intoxicated. For one thing, those cybernetics never come off. Not even the guns. Honestly, same with Dionaea, though, obiovusly, for different reasons. Never date someone who is half plant. Trust me on this.

None of my family showed up, thank god.

And did anyone know that Jack Knife came out of the closet? I totally didn't until he showed up to the wedding with a dude. Good for him. Though apparently Lord Grim fired him as a henchman when he found out. Good riddance, if you ask me. Lord Grim is such a tool.

To continue bizarre trends, Mechanor gave me a blueberry pie. Dude makes a seriously excellent pie.

After the wedding, however, the party got a little wild. And by that I mean the American Steel Memorial Pier was demolished. Quizzer was smart enough not to show up--there's not much he could have done, what with a solid dozen fairly powerful supervillains in the area, not to even mention Dina Might's family.

All in all, it went a lot better than I'd expected it would have. Alright! Time for me to get some villainy started!

Good News, Bad News, Wierd News

1-- The new power source is awesome. I get to rebuild all my devices and add EVEN MORE weapons. How awesome is that? Even more, more powerful weapons, that is. And what's even better is, unlike a fusion cell, it won't detonate into a tiny supernova if destabilized. Of course, Brannigan's design is somewhat lacking, but with Judy and I working together, I'm confident in my ability to spread at least 90% more carnage than before. Mwahahaha. This is the good news.

2-- The bad news. When we got home from our heist, I found a note on our kitchen table. It's from Death's Head. Yeah, the head of intelligence for Operation Mayhem and big league superhero Knight Watch's arch nemesis. He's invited Judy and I out to dinner. This would be good news, except DH is just as likely to invite us to Op. Mayhem as he is to poison us for interferring in Op. Mayhem's plot to frame me a couple weeks ago. Well, if I don't post late tonight, you'll know why.

3-- And now, the wierd news. Mechanor sent me a cake. It's pretty good. Not too exciting, but pretty good. God, what is with him giving me food? He probably wants a team-up or something. But, why is he giving me food? Who can tell what's going on in that mechanical brain of his?

That's it for now. Except for the realization that Dina Might's family's probably going to be at the wedding. And for those of you who weren't aware, her mother's a frost giant.

I hate Captain Visigoth.

I Hate My Friends

Okay, to give you guys some reference, I just got in.

From when I went out Friday night.

I knew it was gonna be trouble the whole time, too. You see, Captain Visigoth knocked. Read your history books--Visigoths were not known for their courtesy. Y'see, the big lug came to have a drink with his old buddy. He also came to ask a favor.

Mechanor, I have no idea why that guy was here. Or why CV decided he should go drinking with us, since he's a robot...thing, and doesn't drink. But the tuna casserole he brought, that was just wierd, man. The minute he...er, it, I guess, is more accurate. Anyway, the minute it came through the door, it handed me this glass dish full of tuna, cheese, and noodles, and said, "Mechanor has made you a casserole. It is very nutricious and should stimulate your oral taste receptors well. Mechanor does not need the pan back. Silicon is common and easily replaceable." It's a pretty good caserole, though. I'm eating it now. Needs some pepper, though. Knowing him, spices are probably frivolous. Like personal pronouns, apparently.

I know CV because, after he was freed from that Roman temple he was trapped in back in the 80's, he did odd jobs for supervillains for a while, before he broke out into fame of his own in the late 90's. One of those villains was the old boss. We used to go drinking and pillaging right before a big rampage, to get ourselves pumped. That was back in the Bulldozer days, of course.

Anyway, CV (Captain Visigoth, by the way, is his legal name) started talking about the good old days, and how he missed just kicking back and tearing down a city block or two. I didn't have anything else to do, so I decided to go, but I was a bit wary. CV was acting waaaay too considerate for me to trust him. The guy once headbutted an elderly security guard. Not because he was a threat, but because CV thought it would be funny.

So we went out drinking while Mechanor tried to analyze everything we did, and we were chilling in a bar, scaring the patrons, waiting for the cops to try to throw us out, when CV asked me if I wanted to be his best man in August. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend but apparently, he and Dina Might are getting hitched. They met at...some place. I don't remember. I had a couple bottles of Jack in me at the time. But apparently they've been dating for a couple years now.

CV's a really, really bad poker player, so I could tell he wasn't telling me something, but then the cops came and we had a big barfight. And, right in the middle of the bedlam Captain V asked me the second, and main part of his favor.

He wants to hold it here. In New Vineyard--he thinks the pier would be a great place to have it, and no other island's villain will let him within five hundred miles of their cities. A supervillain wedding. Not only that, but a wedding between two of the most needlessly destructive supervillains this planet's seen. Trashing up my city. Which, as I've said before, is my job.

Before I could answer, he threw a cop through the wall, told me to think about it, and then suggested we all go to a strip club. I tried my damndest to not go with him, since I hate how CV gets around women, but, an hour later, there we were.

It didn't really take long for CV to start getting rough with the girls, which I don't really approve of, so I got rough with him, told him to back off, and then, well, we got in a little fight.

And by a little fight, I mean we burned down most of the dock area beating the crap out of each other while Mechanor stayed at the strip joint, and, for some unearthly reason, tried to pole dance. I think he was trying to understand why it was so enthralling. Sometimes I wonder how this guy was able to invade the whole world.

Now, here's where my memory gets a little fuzzy, because I think that I agreed to both be his best man and let him have his wedding here if he both let me bring a date and got the hell out of town until then. He agreed, but before he could leave, Quizzer showed up, and we fought, and I used the time Quizzer was spending to beat up my friends to go hide out at Judy's.

I slept most of the day, and then Judy took me out to get some water and food in me, we fooled around a bit, and then I came back here and decided to condense everything that's happened on this blog.

I have a feeling I'm going to regret that promise. Oh well, time for sleep.

More Politics

Y'know, Brian Shasta has to be the one person made vice presidential candidate out of pity. I mean, as a senator he screwed up in pretty much every way he could--I understand he's a nice guy, but, really, politics ain't for nice guys. Hell, Rake probably kicks puppies when the cameras are off. And

Okay, there's someone knocking on my door. This is odd because I live at the bottom of a great lake.

Alright, gonna have to cut this short. Captain Visigoth and Mechanor just came by. They want to go out drinking.

I have a feeling this is gonna end in tears. And fire. Tears and fire.