Oy

I am not good at updating this thing anymore.

In my defense, though, I've been a bit busy what with thanksgiving and preparing for the holidays. I haven't even fought Quizzer lately. I guess he's too busy fighting vampires or whatever.

Seriously, what is up with vampires lately? Is it that Twilight movie? Is it as bad as I've heard it is? Judy hated them with vitriollic passion but I guess Hex reads them on occasion. I haven't been able to get a straight answer whether it's ironic or not. So I'm assuming it's guilty pleasure territory.

Thanksgiving was me and Hex watching superheroes trying to stop that alien metal from consuming New Vineyard. Does it seem wrong to anyone else that China gets ravaged for years by the techno plague and no one finds a cure, but it hits and American city for like two weeks and all of a sudden there's a cure?

The holidays currently promise to be the twins, P.A.I.N., Jack and his boyfriend, Mechanor, and possibly Lock and Load again. Probably because those two can't resist a chance to freeload. Captain Visigoth is still MIA. Which is probably for his own benefit given what his (ex?) wife is going to do to him when she finds him.

I smile when I think of that mental image. Though to be honest Dina Might deserves the same.

Nothing Really New

Been spending a lot of time hanging around the house with Deirdre and Hex and the rest of P.A.I.N. on occasion. Watched Quizzer trounce Scarab on TiVo a few times. It never gets old.

One super annoying thing, though--the New Vineyard Post has gone as far as to say that Scarab's Quizzer's nemesis, not me.

This calls for some serious villainy. I mean, Hex is around most of the time, maybe she can watch the baby while I do something really noteworthy. Hmmm...

You know, I think I might have something.

Oh, a note on the baby. Her parentage is proving itself a little worrysome. Like, when she cries, it actually vibrates my secret base's hull. As in, I can see ripples in water glasses. I can already tell her toddler years are going to be hectic.

I hope she's alright not being breastfed. I've been trying to go with the best formula and artificial breastmilk I can but I really don't know if she's getting the antibodies she needs. Or if she needs them given one parent is a demigod and the other is half-god. If anyone knows anything that might help I'd love to hear it.

Gone Fishing

Apparently Red Water wants to know what a catfish man tastes like, so we're off fishing today.

Hunting a sapient being in order to feed him to a colleague is pretty evil, right? Right. I feel good about this. Well, I mean, you know what I mean.

What Happened With Judy

Okay, going to start my triumphant return by starting to explain what happened with Judy.

She went completely insane.

Okay, that's not fair to her, and I recognize this, but still. She got out of her coma, put on new battle armor, started calling herself "Scarab" and took over my tri-city takeover. She threw me from an altitude of a few thousand feet! Onto concrete!

And she threw her pregnant friend out of the base, and took it for her own. And she burned most of the stuff she didn't throw out into the bottom of Lake Michigan.

So, as you can probably tell, we so broke up after that.

My first plan was thus--summon the rest of my criminal organization, P.A.I.N--That's Hex, Dionaea, Bruiser, Red Water, Psychosis, and Carrion Beetle--and show her that I'm still New Vineyard's #1 Badguy. Unfortunately, Scarab had my state-of-the-art battle fortress upgraded even further, because she's smarter than me, so not only were the old weaknesses all gone, but she also warded it against magic somehow. Hex thinks that she has some magic know-how now from her time in Hell.

Which lead to me summoning Rakshasa and trying to make a deal with him. I just wanted information, and he just wanted to make an entry into my blog. The info he gave me was...not very helpful. "As you are, army or no, you will never beat Judy."

Turns out, I didn't even need to, which was both disappointing and embarrassing. Quizzer, somehow, managed to take Judy down--without his A-list girlfriend Miss Atom, either. I'm not entirely sure how he managed it, but he picked up one of the battle fortresses with his mind and threw it at the main one. From all accounts, the third then tried to attack the city below but was stopped by the Mississippi Grizzly. God that guy's strong.

In my defense, he probably only managed it because Scarab's attention was fully on fighting Quizzer rather than coordinating an attack. Now, in the past, Quizzer could never even really beat June Bug, so I was kind of surprised when he was on even footing with that new Scarab armor. He hasn't been this strong since that fight, either, so I'm pretty sure it's draining to do so...or maybe he had something boosting his telekinesis. Hmmm.

Anyway, Judy emergency teleported away when it was clear that the Blue Q was going to kick her ass. Then Dina, Hex, and the rest of us made our escape, salvaged what was left of the fortresses, and retreated to my hideout.

I haven't seen much of Judy since, though Scarab has made a few attacks here and there around the country. Probably getting stuff to repair her armor.

I was so into her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

It's not as bad as it could've been, though. I mean, P.A.I.N. are my teammates, but they're my friends too. Hex has been really cool these past few months, helping me out. She's a good friend.

Deirdre's up again, so I have to go perform my fatherly duties. More on why I have a daughter later.

THIS IS WHY YOU STAY SINGLE PEOPLE

Oh my god.

I am so angry right now.

I loved this plan. It was going so well. The heroes couldn't do jack without blood on their hands. All Judy had to do was say she wanted in on it and I would've shared.

Instead, she kicks me out! Dina too! She kicked her pregnant friend out. Lousy June Bug--Excuse me, Scarab.

Yes, that's Judy under the bulky spiky black armor. Apparently, what she 'brought back' wasn't a demon or an interdimensional parasite or anything like that. It was knowledge. And a major attitude problem. Locking me out of my own base. Commandeering my TrEyeumvirate. Beating the tar out of my nemesis.

You know what? She doesn't wanna be a team player? She wants to take everything from the guy who sat beside her bed for months wating for her to wake up? Well, two can play at this game. Yeah, she has my tech, my gear, better equipment, and a much higher IQ than me. Yeah, that angry Scarab armor can kick my ass even armored up. But I have one thing she doesn't.

Backup.

Time to give P.A.I.N. a trial by fire.

Hex Update

No word from Hex about Judy, besides her saying, "Whenever someone says that after they've been out of it, it can't be good."

Judy's been home, but she's spending most of her time in the workshop, making new armor. She isn't really talking to me and doesn't want me seeing what she's making. Oh well.

The rest P.A.I.N. is coming over to play Mario Kart and stuff tonight. Maybe I'll invite her out for it.

That Bastard!

"Lord" Grim is trying to start his own supervillain group. He's trying to get the rights to P.A.I.N. before we do. That son of a bitch.

He's just doing this because he doesn't like me. I think Red Water might try to eat him some time over the weekend. Good. Hope he succeeds.

Am I writing that because it's going to happen or just to screw with Grim in case he reads this? That's for me to know and him to find out. Bon appetit, Red.

Besides Lord Annoying, things are going pretty well with the creation of P.A.I.N. They're going pretty well in general, actually, despite the fact that Judy's not up yet--and, even then, she's had a few more mumbled words and half-awake moments in the past few days.

Rakshasa sent me a letter of congratulations. Either that means he's already back in the physical world, or his magic lets him screw with me across dimensional barriers.

Oh, and I managed to salvage quite a few pieces of Siluriforme tech. Some of it will prove useful with armor 3.0. Despite what improvements I make, I might just make it look like 2.0. I liked the look, and no one really expects armor that looks exactly like the old stuff to be that much better. That, and I don't want the pictures of me on CapeWiki to be that much more out of date.

One last bit of news--Brannigan's under investigation for having an unregistered demonic portal in their labs. Haha. Suckers.

A Year In Retrospective

So, in eleven days, I will have been doing this blog for a year. It's been a crazy year.

Weather machines, fishmen, unfortunate accidents, giant molten fathers, weddings, pregnancies, demonic presidents, giant conspiracies, love, loss....man. I hope every year's not like this.

Here's to hoping for a better year.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Me and some of the others--namely, Dionaea, Hex, Bruiser, Psychosis, Carrion Beetle, and Red Water--are starting our own little group of villains. Nothing tightly packed or anything, but we worked well together, so we decided to make something official. In honor of how we met, we're naming it P.A.I.N. (still doesn't mean anything). Lady Anaconda's already sent me a letter saying she was pleased with my success in fighting Rakshasa. Not that I'd join Op Mayhem. But still, that's pretty awesome.

And it seems like they want me to be the leader. That I'm less thrilled about but, hey, if they think I did a good job I might as well take the role.

...I was going to write something about something else, but it's slipped my mind completely. You'll see why, though.

I'm talking to Mechanor on instant messenger right now, and I asked it why it went to me when it needed a tuneup. I mean, there are plenty of mechanically inclined villains out there, right?

Apparently, Mechanor was built by a Ferrian. As in, someone with my last name. And apparently, it's a descendant of me.

He said something else too. Supposedly...um...before this time next year.

Before this time next year, according to Mechanor, I'm going to be a father. This could just be faulty wiring. God knows it wouldn't be the first time, but still.

So much for an uneventful year.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?