Aftermath

I'm not entirely sure how much we drank during the Decade's Finest, but when I woke up, I was on the couch with Deirdre sleeping on my chest like a cat, Lock was passed out with a bottle of wine in the destroyed remains of Deirdre's old crib, Load and Hex were in Hex and I's bed, both dressed like firefighters, Jack Knife was passed out with his head resting on the toilet seat, handcuffed to Red Water, who had passed out in the bathtub (which was also half-filled with gin), and Mechanor was in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls for everyone.

I honestly didn't remember the ceremony or our party until I watched it on youtube.

And by "it", I should mean, "them", because both our party and the ceremony had been uploaded, presumably by Kushiel on Lock and Load's orders.

I can't believe Quizzer won an award and I wasn't even nominated. Oh well, at least I got most of my villain predictions right. It makes sense that Death's Head won over Eliza, but I honestly don't envy the judge that made that decision.

Time to Turn Things Around

This year is the turning point. I'm going to write more, and I'm going to do more stuff. Like villain stuff.

Villain stuff. It's phrases like that that prove I'm a professional.

Why this sudden exclamation? Life's pretty good right now, honestly. Sure, my godly infant has become a godly toddler, but seeing her still makes me smile. Hex is still awesome to date and it's going really well. I haven't had any major schemes in a while, but I'm going to change that. Can't have Scarab and Sinapse muscling me out of my position as New Vineyard's main villain, after all.

I know just the thing to get me started off. An oldy but a goody, you might say. If you were, you know, incredibly lame.

Time to take the city by storm. Not literally, though. No more weather control for me. At least not right now.

I feel good about this year.

Um, Hi

Hi, I'm Hex. Um.

Not really sure what to write. Silas just says whatever and Lock and Load just yell increasingly vulgar things. Well, they type them, but they're using capital letters and three exclamation points per sentence, so they're probably yelling.

Anyway, I'm Hex. I used to be a minion of Warlock, but he died and I took over. People thought I was going to call myself warlock or witch or bruja but I didn't really want to change my name--I was already going by Hex. Plus I always thought the name "Warlock" was a bit too unimaginative, no offense to the dead boss. And "Bruja" only sounds exotic if Spanish isn't your first language.

I'm rambling now, I can just tell. Sorry, I'm not as good at this as Silas is.

He's a great guy, by the way. I'm really glad I met him. Even if Deidre is a handful sometimes.

Now I'm gushing about my boyfriend. Anyway, more about me. I like Twilight, but only because it's so dark and twisted. I basically read the worst possible intentions into every character as I read the book. It's an great way to read it. For a super villain, anyway.

I did some independent villainy lately, that was fun. Made all of the statues in town come alive and wreak havoc. You know, for the hell of it. My favorite part was when Quizzer had to fight that giant American Steel statue. Silas said it was the best birthday present he ever got.

It's actually pretty fun, going up against a hero in the same range for once. Sometimes I think Scarlet Sorceress sometimes let my plans be as successful as they were out of pity. I mean, I'm a pretty strong witch, don't get me wrong, but I'm nowhere near her league. But no one really is, except for Rakshasa--that's kinda the point, after all.

P.A.I.N. is going well! I mean, we don't do all that much together, but sometimes it's cool to have a friend along for the ride on a scheme, you know?

Ergh, rambling again. Anyway, this has been my guest post, hope it wasn't too annoying. I think Wailing Kate is going to do hers next. She seems pretty excited about it.

-- Crista, aka Hex

ATTENTION

attention cockfags

Cockfags. Seriously?

my heart wasnt in that one

Obviously. I love being the smart one. Anyway, this is Load.

it was in your mom

We're twins you fat bitch. Anyway, starting on Halloween, Silas has promised he's going to start posting in this stupid thing on a regular basis again. He's said 2-3 times a week, but we all know how likely that is.

hey load

What is it now?

remember when those college girls were all talking about reclaiming the word cunt and then we asked if they thought vagina was offensive and then when they said no we called them penis sheathes because thats what it means in the original latin

Yeah, that was hilarious.

hey load

If you call me a penis sheath I am going to strangle you with your fallopian tubes.

youre a penis sheath

God damnit Lock I should've absorbed you in the womb. Anyway, until then, Dr. C's going to have a bunch of guest posts, like stuff from his fly honey Hex, three time villain bake-off championship winner Mechanor, and that drama queen that started raising shit in town a few months back.

i absorbed your mom in the womb

I hate you so god damn much. Anyway, stay tuned because you won't want to miss this thing updating regularly for like a week then nothing for months.

-- Loda "Load" and Loquai "Lock" Hunter

Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

Another Day, Another WMD

I have created the Lava Gun! It's pretty inspired, if I do say so myself. Basically, point it at the ground and a big gout of lava will shoot out of it. Or is it magma then? I can never remember which is which.

Anyway, things have been pretty good. Hex continues to be my awesome girlfriend. Deirdre continues to eat me out of house and home. When did baby things get so expensive, anyway? Oh well, not like I'm paying for them.

Quizzer continues to foil both my evil plans and the plans of his Rogue's Gallery. Or is that Rogues Gallery? Or Rogues' Gallery? English is so confusing sometimes.

Oh well! I'm a super villain and if I know the internet, then a single grammatical error will cause much more strife than looking it up and writing it correctly.

Anyway, things are going mostly well. Except for Sinapse (you won't believe the emails I got when I misspelled this guy's misspelled name. Oh the Irony). Who keeps insisting he is, in fact, Quizzer's arch nemesis. Did the Extradimensional Bastard kidnap him and Quizzer to decide the ultimate superiority of good/evil? No, that was me.

Something tells me I'm gonna need to put this guy in his place. Maybe I should make some kind of anti-telepathy helmet. Or maybe a collar or headband or something. I don't want to directly rip off Magneto. Besides, following plans taken from comic books almost never works.

On Henchmen

Is it too much to ask for my orders to be carried out without a henchman questioning them?

Me: "Start killing hostages."

Henchman: "Uh, what?"

Me: "You see those live hostages?"

Hench: "Yeah boss."

Me: "Kill them until I tell you to stop."

I mean, it's not even really about killing hostages, because starting on the hostages is inevitably what brings the hero out of the woodwork, but really. I'm a bad dude. Is it too hard to simply do what I say?

Well, that plan was a bust because like clockwork ordering my henches to kill hostages caused Quizzer to attack. God, if I'm not being foiled by heroes I'm being foiled by other villains. See: what happened at the end of January.

For those who don't know, I had my most awesome plan ever. I had victory within my grasp and then, completely by accident, Foundress screwed everything up. She's said she's sorry like a million times but sorry doesn't heal genetically altered hornet stings heal.

I might try to salvage my ultimate plan, though. I mean, a giant fire-breathing mechanical lion has got to have more than one use.

Hex and I are off to eat some of the honeycomb that Foundress keeps sending us to make amends. More later.

I'm Pretty Sure the Zoo Hates Quizzer

My reasons? They're bringing in a couple dozen Japanese Hornets as part of an exhibition. That's acid-breathing, finger-sized vespidae. It's like they're hanging a sign: Foundress please steal these and make Quizzer's life miserable.

Speaking of things that will piss off Quizzer, villainy's going good. I'm building something from scratch this time. Should be a good time. For people that aren't him, anyway.

Gonna watch a movie with Hex in the living room. She's promised me it's not a vampire movie. We'll see. I've promised a pony to Deirdre if she can keep quiet during the whole movie, but seeing as she probably didn't understand me, it's probably a lost cause.

Oh, there'll probably be some changes around here in the next few days. Don't be surprised when they happen.

Stuff

Okay, I might be on to something for some new villainy, but it's too soon to tell.

Deirdre Update: She said her first word. Well, words. They were "Death Ray". I'm so proud.

So, anyway, as you may have guessed, I'm dating Hex now. Judy tried to get back with me, or use me for an evil scheme, or whatever, but I turned her down. Hex is so much nicer and less likely to betray me than Judy...excuse me, Scarab was.

It's kind of funny, Hex is a huge fan of Twilight. You'd think I'd stop making fun of it now that we're dating but, no dice. To be fair, she seems to like it for the exact opposite reason most people seem to: rather than view it as a beautiful love story, she sees it as a twisted story of corruption and moral decay. She backs this up by saying that the vampire guy saying he's a virgin has to be a line to get the love interest into bed, among other things. I don't remember any of their names and I don't care enough to look them up.

The Foundress has been attacking a lot lately. I still have no idea what her modus operandi is: is she a villain for some reason, or is she like me and basically doing this because she can? I'd ask her, but wasps are too freaky.

Hopefully she's not like Mechanor, i.e., doing this because it read about everything Mehcanor did in the future before coming back in time to do it over again. At least, that's what Mechanor claims its reasons are. Most of the time.

Hex is thinking about being villainous around here, mostly because she's tired of being a second-string villain to the Scarlet Sorceress. I mean, she's a strong witch and all, but the other villains Double S deals with are people like Rakshasa and my sister and Dina Might.

It helps, our relationship, that is, that we also both have a grudge against Rakshasa, as does the rest of P.A.I.N., for various reasons.

Okay, back to seeing if I can get Deirdre to say the word 'duranium'.

Woooo, New Year!

It's a brand new decade, and I'm starting over: new Girlfriend, Less Angst, More Villainy, New Password to My Blog, and some leftover kugel that Mechanor made. It's pretty damn good.

It is 2010 and Deirdre continues to be adorable. You thought I'd talk about the angst from the holidays, didn't you? Nope! Adorable semi-devine babies.

I think she's going to start talking soon. She took a few steps over the holidays. It was precious. I'd also like to thank Mechanor and Jack and Jack's civillian boyfriend for preventing my crazy sister from killing my daughter over the course of December. That was nice of you.

While I'm thanking people, I'd like to "thank" Lock and Load for updating my blog while I was wallowing. Which is why my blog has a new password. Not that that'll stop Kushiel from hacking it. Sigh.

Okay, that sound means that Deirdre is upset I'm not using this time to feed and/or change her, so I'm off for now.

Blah

Judy wants to talk to me about something. She's left like five apologetic-sounding voicemails. Blah. I don't have anything to say to her. She threw me out of my own aerial base! That's kind of a deal-breaker. Let 'Scarab' do whatever the hell she wants.

Hex agrees with me that nothing but trouble can come of this. Bruiser thinks that I'm being too harsh and maybe she still had some leftover demon mojo screwing around with her head when she did that.

....blah. Maybe I will go talk with her. But I'm bringing my armor. I may be a chump but I'm not stupid.

Oy

I am not good at updating this thing anymore.

In my defense, though, I've been a bit busy what with thanksgiving and preparing for the holidays. I haven't even fought Quizzer lately. I guess he's too busy fighting vampires or whatever.

Seriously, what is up with vampires lately? Is it that Twilight movie? Is it as bad as I've heard it is? Judy hated them with vitriollic passion but I guess Hex reads them on occasion. I haven't been able to get a straight answer whether it's ironic or not. So I'm assuming it's guilty pleasure territory.

Thanksgiving was me and Hex watching superheroes trying to stop that alien metal from consuming New Vineyard. Does it seem wrong to anyone else that China gets ravaged for years by the techno plague and no one finds a cure, but it hits and American city for like two weeks and all of a sudden there's a cure?

The holidays currently promise to be the twins, P.A.I.N., Jack and his boyfriend, Mechanor, and possibly Lock and Load again. Probably because those two can't resist a chance to freeload. Captain Visigoth is still MIA. Which is probably for his own benefit given what his (ex?) wife is going to do to him when she finds him.

I smile when I think of that mental image. Though to be honest Dina Might deserves the same.

That Was A Nice Party

The party was very, very nice. Some of my friends were there, I got to antagonize "Lord" Grim, I got very, very drunk, and when I came home my daughter was still in one piece.

Less good was the fact that the alien metal cannibalized part of my workshop somehow. The cube kind of spread, making everything touching it the same metal and part of it, then that stuff contaminated the stuff around it. I investigated at a distance for a couple days and I think it hasa something to do with the techno plague.

I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I catapulted it into the city.

Last I heard, it's eaten three houses. It's kinda cool. I'd always wanted to see what the techno plague was like, and now, it's on my front doorstep.

Oh, and I found something that looks kinda neat. taratillinghast.blogspot.com. It's a cool little fictional blog. Always thought those were kinda neat. It's just now starting, so there won't be a lot of catchup.

More on the party later. I'm gonna make some popcorn and watch the techno plague with Hex on the news.

Haha. Magnet Bomb.

I love the Magnet Bomb. Really. I'm so glad I invented it.

Essentially, you turn a dial to either positive or negative and chuck the bomb. Then it explodes in a shower of sparkles. Whatever's in that radius of those sparkles gets a temporary selective magnetic field. A powerful one at that.

How this works out is as follows. I through a positive one at Quizzer and a negative one at a forklift, and we have a forklift that wants to be best pals with my arch nemesis. And by best pals, I mean it wants to hit him very hard.

I also tossed one at a trash can, some piles of luggage, and a whole stack of crates. It was pretty amusing. I got away with the alien metal. Score one for me.

Of course now I need to do something with it. Mostly just been analyzing it. Well, that and yesterday I got bored so I caused a ruckus just so Quizzer would show up. Then I hit him and a dumpster with positive and negative charges, respectively. That was fun. Especially since all that garbage also got a negative charge, so it flew everywhere due to repulsion before it started pelting Quizzer.

I seriously cannot get enough of these things.

Hex wants me to go with her to some Halloween party tomorrow. I don't think I can really say no--this holiday means a lot to her.

Need a babysitter, though. Mechanor's offered, but I'm hesitant. Very, very hesitant.

Also desperate, though. Might have to end up taking him up on it, despite my reservations.

Nothing Really New

Been spending a lot of time hanging around the house with Deirdre and Hex and the rest of P.A.I.N. on occasion. Watched Quizzer trounce Scarab on TiVo a few times. It never gets old.

One super annoying thing, though--the New Vineyard Post has gone as far as to say that Scarab's Quizzer's nemesis, not me.

This calls for some serious villainy. I mean, Hex is around most of the time, maybe she can watch the baby while I do something really noteworthy. Hmmm...

You know, I think I might have something.

Oh, a note on the baby. Her parentage is proving itself a little worrysome. Like, when she cries, it actually vibrates my secret base's hull. As in, I can see ripples in water glasses. I can already tell her toddler years are going to be hectic.

I hope she's alright not being breastfed. I've been trying to go with the best formula and artificial breastmilk I can but I really don't know if she's getting the antibodies she needs. Or if she needs them given one parent is a demigod and the other is half-god. If anyone knows anything that might help I'd love to hear it.

Rut

I really need to get out of my rut. I mean, yeah, I've had a couple successful bank heists, and scrapyard runs, and armored car heists, and Brannigan runs, but still. Is this really all there is? Can't I ever do some serious villainy and actually have a shot at pulling it off without Quizzer or Judy ruining it?

Maybe Hex can help me out with something, get me out of my rut and into some decent villainy. I mean, she's been hanging around anyway, helping with the crying part-god I've adopted. Who is also completely adorable. I just wish it didn't feel like I was taking advantage of her the whole time. Oh well.

I'd attack Brannigan, but it's kind of like kicking a one-legged puppy at this point. Litigation for that whole illegal portal to hell thing's kind of left them broke.

More later if I think of something, as well as what happened with that cruise thing.

Heads Up

Probably no more info about the Cruise Ship stuff until later today at the earliest. Hex and I are going to see a movie in the afternoon and I was thinking about wasting some time playing hypno bubble for a while. Plus, want to spend more time with Deirdre She was apparently really upset and fussy while I was gone.

Oy

It's been over a week and a still feel like I was hit by a truck. Or, well, you know, like I was a normal person hit by a truck.

Stupid Agent Spider. I really need to get revenge on that guy for dragging me into a sting operation against the bloody Arsenal. It was pretty awesome when Quizzer called him Agent Dickhead, though.

Ow. Hex is offering to give me a backrub and I'd be crazy to turn it down. I'll fill you all in more later.

Cruise Ship Update

The test voyage of Brannigan's new cruise ship starts in a couple of hours. The whole thing's kind of bizarre, though. State of the art cruise ship in the Great Lakes at the beginning of Fall. I have its schematics, and they seem on the level, but the whole thing, now that I think about it, stinks of a trap.

But is it for me? Doubtful. In fact, if it's for anyone I'd wager it's for the Siluriformes. It does have an awful lot of weapons.

Oh well. If it is a trap for them and not terrible planning, or a publicity stunt to showcase its new open-air climate control (i have never seen so many black boxes on an object), doesn't really matter. I'm still going to rob it blind anyway.

Okay, Hex is here. Going to hang out with her for a little bit so she'll feel like a friend and not someone I hand a baby off to.

Foundress

It's been months and I still haven't gotten ahold of that new girl in New Vineyard, Foundress.

I still maintain that yellow jackets freak me out, but, as Quizzer's Arch Nemesis, I feel that when someone else starts screwing around in his and my city, I should, I dunno, at least talk to her or something. Compare notes, coordinate attacks, something like that. Who knows, maybe she'd want to be in P.A.I.N. Having someone who can control super-wasps would be pretty awesome. Even if they are creepy as hell.

And seriously, hearing Quizzer shout "Oh God, bees!" was hilarious.

She seems pretty mysterious for the most part, though. I mean, she's got to have a reason for mostly going after cosmetics and chemical plants and stuff like that. She seems to have a beef with Arkady too. Hope she's not related to Nuke somehow, that'd be awkward. Well, from the skin her outfit shows, she doesn't look black, so a blood relation's pretty unlikely, and I think Fallout woulda told me if that were the case, but still, you never know.

Oh hey, looks like Hex'd be more than happy to baby sit, score. I'll have to bring her back something nice for taking care of Deirdre. I'm kind of worried that she's not doing enough of her own villainy helping me, though. She says it doesn't bother her, but I know I'm kind of a depressed lump some days when that Judy stuff hits me pretty hard, and she's really good helping me through that, so i can't help but feel I'm holding her back. Oh well.

Gotta plan. Got some serious badguy time in store for this town.