Do Not See This Movie

Day of the Devil It's that mainstream action movie about when Rakshasa almost destroyed the world.

Even typing that sentence fills me with rage at this movie. Even Judy doesn't really get why I'm upset about this--we saw it together in a matinee just a few minutes ago. We actually kinda had a fight about it.

Everyone who didn't live through it is saying it is an "excellent, tasteful depiction of one of the darkest points of human existance." Everyone who did, like me, says that it's a tasteless, shallow monstrosity that doesn't even start to approach the topic with anything like respect. I was five and I remember it vividly.

Brimstone, the sky burning, things walking the streets, tearing open homes and devouring the people inside and hearing them scream and

I can't write this anymore. I just can't.

Just a Few Thoughts

Y'know, I really admire Operation Mayhem in some ways. I know I talk down about them sometimes, but, honestly, they've managed to form the longest lasting, most cohesive super-villain organization since the Renaissance. And two of the founding members are still in it. Well, at least two, anyway, as no one's quite sure if Devias is alive or dead. Sure, I might not agree with everything they do, but Lady Anaconda's certainly done well, better than most have.

In other news, I'm not sure what I should do for Judy and I's six-month anniversary--it's still not til October, but that's not too far away anymore. This is the closest I've ever had to a normal relationship. Does one typically do something for a six month anniversary? I mean, it's just the anniversary of us dating, not a wedding one or anything. I'll have to do research.

Also, more seismic activity down south at the Cataclysm Engine. Maybe I should check that out again. I could scavenge for more while I'm down there.

Oh, and lastly, my brother C.J. is alive. He and a few other super-powered mercenaries did some sort of daring ariel raid and absconded with some new chemical prototype for an unknown client. Though my guess would be Snake Eyes. Good to know he's not dead.

Screw the Olympics

Yeah. That's why you never got a post about them. Because once I realized the techno-plague wasn't going to turn Beijing into a lifeless, desolate landscape of metal and gears during the games I decided it wasn't worth my time.

Oh god, it looks like I'm going to rant about them after all. Just when you thought you were safe from people on the web ranting about China.

Personally, I think there're two reasons China got the games. The first is a sympathy vote. I mean, of everywhere, the techno-plague is hitting China hardest. Until they can figure out a better way to stop it than completely sterilizing the land of life, Beijing, and pretty much the rest of continental Southeast Asia (and possible the islands, depending on how it moves in water) is screwed. Though it has been slowing lately. I hear that pretty much every Asian and some Aussie and American superheroes are trying to find a way to beat it back.

The second is simple--controversy sells. I'm not sure what the figures were, but I definitely know I have heard more people talking about these Olympics than I have any of them in years.

That techno-plague is pretty cool, though. I mean, it has the biggest chance of destroying the world of any threat I know of, and it isn't even sentient. Man, I need to go see it before it gets cured by Dr. Fate or someone.

I Might Be On To Something

Today was mostly uneventful. I finally got around to making that sandwich. No finer lunch has been forged by God or Man.

I was just about to head to bed when I though, "Hey, there's nothing on Rake, but there's tons of dirty laundry in his running mate, Brian Shasta's, hamper." So I started looking.

At first, me and my totally sweet computer found little more than the political scandal we all know and love Shasta for. Nothing serious enough to keep him from being continuall re-elected to the House, but bad enough that, under normal circumstances, he'd be shooed away from even looking at the White House.

But then I dug a little deeper. Illegally deep.

Brian Shasta disappeared in '75 for eight days and one hour. At the exact time that Rake disappeared and for the same duration. When asked about the disappearance, Shasta replied he had been on a retreat in the country, but no one saw him leave or return to his house. Not even his wife and young children.

What happened on those days? Again, maybe it's nothing but, hey, maybe I could, at the very least, find out something I could blackmail the both of them with. It'd get me my revenge and financial security.

Rake Research

Mostly disappointing.

As far as I can tell, Jonathan Rake is a real person, not an alien with an invented past. Unless some sort of reality bending device inserted him whole cloth into our reality, it's fairly safe to say he's from our world. And, also, he seems to be exactly who he says he is. No sign of any scandal or complication or even major tribulation in his past. He's never even broken a bone, and I can count the number of times he's been sick on one hand, without using my thumb. The only time he's ever been in life-threatening danger was when he was stabbed.

And there's still no indication why he'd want to frame anyone, since his place in the polls has always been nearly record-breaking. Though it might not be him. Maybe he has some unknown benefactor. It could even be a hero, or at least an anti-hero, like Agent Spider. Honestly, this sort of thing seems right up his alley.

I did, however, discover one possible, vague clue. I'm not even sure what it signifies.

Back in the early 70's, when he was fresh out of college, Rake toured the globe. And, while he was in Pakistan, for one week, one day, and one hour, there is no record of his activities. The even wierder part is he turned up in Japan at the end of that period. Even wierder is that no one seemed to think this was wierd or question where he was. But there's no record of plane travel, hotel visits, smuggling across the border in a drug plane. Nothing.

Now, this could be nothing. But it's the only lead I have. I'm not even sure why I'm investigating this. Maybe I just want to know why I was framed and who framed me.

More Hypno Bubble

So, I did some research and, apparently, Hypno Bubble was, at first, exactly what I theorized it was. A couple years ago, some small-time Japanese hacker teamed up with O.G.R.E. to make a video game that would turn the populace into his willing slaves. The only problem was, as I've said, Hypno Bubble doesn't make people want to follow orders. It just makes them want to play more Hypno Bubble.

I've done some other research, this being on Jonathan Rake, but that'll have to wait for when I'm less busy.

Playing, um, Hypno Bubble.

Hypno Bubble

Judy's been playing Hypno Bubble pretty much non-stop over the past few days. Now I've started playing it. Have any of you seen this game? It's brightly colored, cheering bubbles matching up and popping. It's like Bejeweled and Tetris had a kid, but even more addictive than both.

Personally, I think this is some sort of evil plot by some Japanese mad scientist to take over humanity. Though, at the moment, all it seems to be doing is absorbing free time. And work time. And pretty much whenever Judy or I are at or near the computer.

Sandwich

It's been a while since I've had a sandwich that's really distinct. These days, it seems like the restaurant's strategy is "add focaccia and/or bacon to existing sandwich." I'm not saying that those ingredients are bad decisions, but there's nothing special about them.

I think today I might head out to the store, get some really nice bread, meat, and toppings, and just make the best sandwich I can. And no pre-cooked lunch meat, either--I'm probably going to get some chicken or turkey and prepare it myself.

Yes, folks, Doctor Cataclysm's Blog--excitement around every corner.

Ah the Classics

Gotta love "Five Fingers of Death." Terrible special effects, stereotypically evil Japanese men, everything a kung fu movie needs.

Screw Hectic

My life has been stressful and busy lately. I've gone on an emotional roller coaster and faced more of my past now than I have since dad died.

Well, screw it. I'm going to watch bad kung fu movies, eat popcorn, and cuddle my girlfriend today. I don't care if Rake turns out to be an invading alien or C. J. shows up on my door looking for a handout or Lady Anaconda wants to invite me personally to Op. Mayhem or whatever. I don't care.

I'm taking today off of drama. Time for some Sonny Chiba action.

Hatchet Report

Had dinner with Eliza and Judy. She was well behaved. We got to talk about what's been going on, our careers, etc. Eliza's just stopping by on her way back to Anarchy Groves in Penn. She's also apparently started killing the mayor of Anarchy Groves pretty much whenever a new one gets elected. Said something about trying to foster an environment of terror in the city.

She's taking off in an hour or so, and while I'm not sad to see her leave, it was honestly good to see she's doing well. I mean, she may be a mass-murdering psychopath, but she's still my baby sister.

A Small Reunion

I was afraid this would happen.

About three in the morning last night, I woke because of a flickering light on my face. When I opened my eyes, there was a petite twenty year old girl with short red hair standing over my bed with a large, flaming axe. This redhead had a maniacal look in her eyes and said axe was raised with intent to kill.

"God damnit Eliza." I muttered, shoving her away from the bed casually. "Learn to knock."

She smiled, rushed to me, and hugged me when I sat up. "Big brother! You know I would never stab you."

"Only because you can't." I replied. This happens every time she shows up. Even with that magic axe and most of the powers of the the angel of death, she can't quite pierce my skin. Sometimes she says its because of the ceramic in my body. Other times she says she can't because I'm her elder sibling and she's forbidden from re-enacting Cain and Abel by the very divine spirit that empowers her. It makes me the only relative she can actually visit without attempting to murder.

"I will someday." She said. She meant it, too. I'm pretty sure Eliza Ferrian, also known as Hatchet, will be the death of me some day. Literally.

"Eliza. What did you do with my girlfriend?" I asked, just now noticing Judy wasn't where she had been when we went to sleep.

"I tied her up and locked her in the closet, and told her I'd kill her after I was done with you." She replied as if she was talking about doing the dishes or some other slightly unpleasant chore.

"Not again. Come on, let's get her out of there and we can, I dunno, get some pizza or something."

Judy was not exactly thrilled at her encounter with my sister. Oh well, I warned her. Mostly, she was confused by Eliza. Because after untying her, she acted as if nothing wierd or wrong had happened. And she was mostly normal, except when she tried to kill the pizza delivery guy. I stopped her, because, well, watching Eliza kill someone is not a very appetizing precursor to a meal.

That's what people don't get, and that's what's so heartbreaking about Eliza's condition. She just doesn't think it's wrong to kill people. She's a nice, sweet girl, she hates lying, and used to go to church twice a week--hell, she might still. But murder? Murder's a thing she does. She doesn't have a reason. She doesn't have a motive. She doesn't need them. She just murders. I'm not even sure she enjoys it. There's just this inhuman drive in her that makes her kill.

I think Judy's starting to get that as well. Eliza said she's missed me, so she's going to be hanging around here a few days. There's really nothing I can do about it, either. I mean, she's a Scarlet Sorceress villain. As strong and crafty as I am, I just can't compete with that. And, also, she has the whole, "not bound by the laws or traps of man" things going on, being half angel.

More later if I'm still alive.

My Absence

Sorry all for no post. It's been kinda hectic lately. Y'see, some extra-dimensional jackass decided it'd be fun to pit a team of different versions of me from a dozen alternate realities against a similar team of Quizzers. The idea being that, if you put a team of identical heroes and villains in a battlefield realm, eventually it can be decided whether or not good or evil is superior. Which, now that I think about it, is so Star Trek it hurts. Though it didn't quite work out like that.

Y'see, in at least two realities, I become the new American Steel when father kicks the bucket. So those two didn't quite get along with the rest of us. No to mention the mirror-universe me, where Doctor Cataclysm was a hero fighting against the evil "Steel Trap." So, in the end, it was the vilainous mes and the evil Quizzers versus the good mes and the heroic Quizzers.

By the way, Evil Quizzer was hilarious. Still named Quizzer, though Limerick might have been a better name.

Anyway, that fight happened, and ended mostly in a draw before that extradimensional bastard sent us back to our normal realities. Except, of course, he sent evil Quizzer to this one in addition to normal Quizzer. At least the presence of two Quizzers helped corroborate my story better with Judy.

Evil Quizzer then kinda went on a rampage and had to be stopped by his heroic counterpart. The police have him in a specially designed holding cell while they wait for Doctor Fate to show up and use her (or is she male again? I can never keep track) extradimensional powers to send him to his proper dimension.

Oh, and also, there was a power outage at St. Toluca's, and all of the inmates escaped. That includes both Nuke and my sister Hatchet.

Joy.

Kids Today

So, I was robbing a bank today, you know, little classic villainy to keep me in practice, and this one little kid actually said, "You'll be sorry when Superman shows up and saves us."

Seriously, is that what society's coming to today? Do our children know fictional heroes better than the real ones? That's depressing. Some days I wonder why the superhero genre is so popular. I mean, we have real, live "heroes" fighting "villains" every day. Maybe they just like to see a world where good and evil can battle and their lives aren't in danger, I don't know.

Anyway, the bank robbery went alright. I managed to escape with most of the money before Quizzer showed up. And before I get hate mail for stealing this money, let me remind you that banks are federally insured for this sort of occasion.

In other news, I think the reason Mechanor's sending me so much food is that he wants to ask if he can set up base in New Vineyard. I'm not sure why he just doesn't ask, but, then again, I can't really know the mind of a robot from the future.

The Wedding

It was actually a very nice wedding. Very classy. And everyone was on their best behavior. Judy totally cried.

I didn't. Captain Visigoth is a liar.

Awkwardness aside, it was kinda cool seeing all my exes. I'd sorta been out of contact the past few years with most of them. They're doing pretty good. Judy seemed a little intimidated, especially by Lock and Load. Or as she's muttering to herself, "The Improbably Busty Twins". She doesn't have anything to worry about, though. Dating those two was one of those things that only seemed like a good idea when I was heavily intoxicated. For one thing, those cybernetics never come off. Not even the guns. Honestly, same with Dionaea, though, obiovusly, for different reasons. Never date someone who is half plant. Trust me on this.

None of my family showed up, thank god.

And did anyone know that Jack Knife came out of the closet? I totally didn't until he showed up to the wedding with a dude. Good for him. Though apparently Lord Grim fired him as a henchman when he found out. Good riddance, if you ask me. Lord Grim is such a tool.

To continue bizarre trends, Mechanor gave me a blueberry pie. Dude makes a seriously excellent pie.

After the wedding, however, the party got a little wild. And by that I mean the American Steel Memorial Pier was demolished. Quizzer was smart enough not to show up--there's not much he could have done, what with a solid dozen fairly powerful supervillains in the area, not to even mention Dina Might's family.

All in all, it went a lot better than I'd expected it would have. Alright! Time for me to get some villainy started!

Urgh

I have gotten so many emails from angsty teens ever since I mentioned Hatchet was my sister.

I'm not sure when my sister became some sort of goth/emo icon. But if you met her in real life, she would not talk to you about the "beauty of death" or the "agony of life". She would just kill you. Seriously. 'Serial killer' doesn't even really cover it, because a serial killer usually has more of a motive than "I have a pointy object. I should totally kill someone with it. That would rule."

And for the last time, she is NOT the Angel of Death. She just ate him and gained his powers. So she's more like a nephilim.

No more emails about Eliza! Seriously guys. My inbox, she can't take it.

Wedding Preparation

Just got back from the rehearsal dinner. "La Bien Vida" is, technically, still standing. But only technically.

On Thursday afternoon, I got a knock on the surface elevator door. When I answered, there was a scrawny young woman with dirty blonde hair, torn blue jeans and a tank top. Her greeting was to punch me in the chest. To give you some idea how strong Dina Might is, I had to patch an exterior wall in my lair. And I still have a bruise.

She didn't mean any malice by this. In fact, after she dragged in a suitcase and watched me weld a plate into the wall, she commented on my ability to take a hit. I asked her not to punch my girlfriend, and she clapped me on the shoulder and laughed loudly.

Anyway, CV showed up a little while after with an armful of suitcases and bags. Most of them looked to be Dina's.

I'm gonna point out that Dina Might is significantly stronger than CV. See anything wrong with this picture?

I was also confused by why they were here rather than a hotel. Or, more accurately, I was suspicious as to why they were here rather than a motel. My suspicions were answered when CV said, "Thanks for letting us stay here over the weekend Big C."

I wanted to say, "Oh Hell No." But frankly, I was worried I wouldn't have a base left if Dina found out Visigoth hadn't cleared it with me and there was a domestic squabble.

After their stuff was settled, I introduced them to Judy. It went about as well as expected.

CV: Daaaamn Big C, she's got a nice....
Dina: *punches CV in the kindeys.*
CV: *doubles over in pain*
Dina: *extends hand* Hi hon, I'm Dina.
Judy: *power armored-knee to CV's face* I'm Judy. Nice arm.

I had my misgivings about CV getting married, but I think Dina might actually be able to keep him in line.

It hasn't all been fun times of seriously injuring Cappy, though. Apparently he couldn't think of anyone to invite to his side so he invited, like, all of my supervillainous ex girlfriends (Fallout, Dionaea, both Lock and Load, and Icicle). And my brother and sister. And Jack Knife and Mechanor, who I don't really have a problem with, but they round out the list.

Of course, I punched him for inviting my exes. And then I told Judy. And then she punched him, with her June Bug armor on.

Judy's excited about meeting my family. They probably won't show, though. I've gotten confirmation Eliza's alive, but she's locked up in St. Toluca's. And C. J. 's probably in some backwater third world country, either getting stoned out of his gourd or razing it to the ground. Or both. If he isn't dead.

The wedding's tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's not going to go well. But at least I'll probably get to see CV get beaten to a pulp some more. That ought to be fun.

What Happened With Nuke, Anyway?

Quizzer fought Nuke. The first time, Nuke kinda kicked his ass and nearly destroyed downtown in the process.

The second time, Quizzer broke Nuke's containment suit and tossed him into the lake. And a being made of fire that has been flooded is not a happy one.

After Nuke pulled himself together, he and Quizzer fought a third time. Only this time, he used me as bait.

I'm not entirely sure how he got me to agree to this. I so regret giving him my cell phone number. Anyway, Nuke went straight for me and threw large amounts of atomic flame at me, screaming something about the "spawn of evil". It was like being Godzilla's breath mint while Godzilla's also eating a street preacher.

Of course, all that really did was make my eyes glow brighter and my limbs a little stiff. While he was distracted, Quizzer and the Brannigan folks trapped him in an energy-based containment cell, which was then shipped off to St. Toluca's Home for the Criminally Insane and Superpowered, cursing us all the the while and promising revenge.

So, that'll be fun. I so don't have time to worry about that, though.

Because it became August Ninth without me noticing. Captain Visigoth is sleeping on my couch with Dina Might on his oversized chest. The wedding is Sunday evening.

More on that when I stop tearing my hair out from stress.

My Family

All that's happened has got me thinking about my family.

This is never a good thing.

My mother killed herself at the height of American Steel's career. My sister is a serial killer. My brother is a junkie merc. I don't know if either of them is alive right now.

Yeah. American Steel, Protector of the American Family, couldn't keep his own from going to hell. What a shock.

Now you see why I left my father to die in a pit in the bowels of the earth while I gave his murderer a proper burial? He did everything he could for every other person on the planet with his "mission", but he ignored us. Mom just couldn't take it.

Way to go Dad. Your eldest is Doctor Cataclysm, and your baby twins are superpowered psycho Hatchet and equally unstable Overdose.

This is why I don't want Judy to meet my family. Can you blame me?

Yeah, I know. I'm one to talk about people having "Daddy issues". Sorry Fallout.

Story Time

Okay, I've been getting questions about Nuke, here and on my email account, so I guess it's time for a little story. I'm hesitant to tell it, since it's as much about my father's origins as it is my mentor's and Nuke's, but here goes.

Once upon a time, there was a scientist named Jonah Stevens. He worked in Arkady Industries' experimental lab in Vineyard, Illinois in the 70's and early 80's. His specialty was nuclear reactors, and he was instrumental in the synthesis an experimental isotope originally found in a crashed meteorite that produced much stronger fission energy than comparable amounts of the same material.

Now, in the same laboratory, a wretched little man named Doctor Niles Benton was beginning a process that would irradiate ceramic-coated steel in a way that would make it nearly unbreakable. Unbeknownst to his colleagues, Doctor Benton had stolen this technique from a former mentor and friend, whose face and body he had scarred heavily in an attempt to kill his mentor and take this procedure for his own. That friend was Doctor Calvin Lisme.

Doctor Lisme, once he had recovered from the botched assassination attempt, covered his face and body in duranium, the new steel, armor, and determined to ruin his former protege in revenge. First, he released data to the patent office and every major industrial company in America about duranium, effectively making it open source and ruining Benton's attempt to get rich off it himself. Then, Doctor Lisme, now calling himself "Doctor Cataclysm", locked Benton in the Arkady lab late at night, locked the area down, and set the experimental new reactor to overload, thus killing Benton and erasing any evidence he had ever invented Duranium.

However, two people were also trapped in the lab. One was Doctor Stevens. The other, Conner Ferrian. Conner was a security guard at the time, trying to support his teenaged delinquent son and younger twins. That teenaged delinquint, by the way, was me. Conner had seen Doctor Cataclysm in the duranium infusion room and had investigated, only to be locked in and the creation cycle put on automatic.

Doctor Stevens had been knocked unconcious by my predecessor at ground zero, the reactor chamber. He woke up with just enough time to selflessly seal himself into the reactor, in an attempt to also seal the inevitable explosion in with him. When he told the story, Nuke claimed his last thoughts were of his wife and his infant daughter.

When the fallout cleared and the duranium infusion cycle were finished, instead of two corpses, two super-humans were born.

By some twisted miracle, either of genetics or shear force of will, Conner Ferrian survived the infusion process--only he had become a man made of duranium. Super strong and nearly invulnerable, he praised Jesus (I'm so not kidding) for this second chance to do something with his life, and decided to become super-hero American Steel. Only two other people have survived this process, and I didn't even have the whole enchilada done on me. That other one's Red Steel, his Russian counterpart.

Jonah was far less lucky.

To say Jonah Stevens survived the explosion would be a stretch. You see, Jonah was a latent psychic, around 5.0, ten times the normal person. When faced with his mortality, Jonah focused his mind inward, even as radioactive fire burned away his flesh and bones and meat. In that split second after the bottled radioactive explosion faded, Dr. Stevens was no longer a man. "He" was a man-shaped pillar of radioactive fire, held together only by shear force of will.

Stevens tried to return home, but his family did not recognize him. They feared him, and in the frustration of his furiously strained mind, he detonated in a tiny atomic blast. His wife died instantly, but his daughter survived. She's the supervillain Fallout, by the way. She and I dated briefly. It didn't work out. She has hella daddy issues.

Anyway, American Steel's first act as a superhero was to stop the rampaging Stevens from burning Arkady to the ground. Then the newly christened Nuke built himself a containment suit and started his career of revenge and insanity. He was a regular villain for Steel after that, though he also tangled with Miss Atom and the Mississippi Grizzly regularly, the first due to overlapping themes and the second due to location. He was even in the Corrosive Company, that anti-Steel league that the Doc put together. This lasted until American Steel told Nuke that the first Doc was responsible for the explosion that had ended Nuke's life.

The fight after that was supposed death #5 for the Doc, as the CC's headquarters was nuked by Nuke at the climax. God bless emergency bomb shelters.

And here I am. Steel's son and the Doc's protege. More on what happened last week later.

EMP

Sorry about no update. Nuke set off an EMP during his fight with Quizzer last week and knocked out half the city, including my internet.

More later, I have to work the kinks out of a few more things before I have luxury to post. I hate EMPs.