Almost Finished

So, while Quizzer has been trying to keep Wailing Kate from stealing that Shakespeare exhibit, I've been re-building my lair from the ground up, this time nestled in the base of the New Vineyard's artificial island. Just another week or so and I'll be up and running again.

I managed to scavenge a lot of parts from the robot lion when I went back to pick up what I could from the base. Not sure what to do with it, though, because that thing spectacularly failed twice, but it's got to have some use.

Is anybody else as excited as I am for the Decade's Finest award ceremony? I mean, this is the first big superbeing award ceremony they've had since the Supey's was vaporized from orbit by that Devias robot clone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to get an award or anything--there are only like three villain awards and I'm pretty sure the only reason they're there is to discourage orbital deathrays, but, still...it'd be kinda cool if I did somehow win.

My bet, though, is that Worst Villain will be Rakshasa, Worst New Villain will be Cyanide, and Worst Evil Plan will go to the Rakshasa's convoluted President plan. There's some talk that Rakshasa'll be disallowed, though, in which case Worst Villain would be my sister, and Worst Evil Plan would be when Tallow was revealed to have replaced, like a quarter of every legislative branch in Europe and North America with wax clones.

Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

On Projects

Ever have a big project? The kind of thing you put a whole lot of time and effort into, it's your pride and joy. You've made in from scratch and you're almost done and then you realize you're missing a very important part of it?

That's what I realized while putting the finishing touches on my latest creation. If I turned it on now it would explode and...um...destroy my layer and maybe injure Hex. Me and Deirdre would probably be fine.

I haven't tested it, but pretty sure the little brat's as nigh-invulnerable as her parents. I dropped her by accident once and it didn't really phase her. Oh don't give me that look she's not the first baby in the world someone's accidentally dropped and she won't be the last. And this baby could probably stop a bullet with her forehead.

Not that I've been shooting my daughter, mind you. It'll make me feel better when her aunt's around, though. Although her namesake might be able to cut through the divine protection on her body, I'm not sure. I'm in no hurry to test it.

Okay, so I'm gonna go off and steal something for my new project. Hopefully Quizzer is too busy rubbing salve on hornet stings to give a care.

Woooo, New Year!

It's a brand new decade, and I'm starting over: new Girlfriend, Less Angst, More Villainy, New Password to My Blog, and some leftover kugel that Mechanor made. It's pretty damn good.

It is 2010 and Deirdre continues to be adorable. You thought I'd talk about the angst from the holidays, didn't you? Nope! Adorable semi-devine babies.

I think she's going to start talking soon. She took a few steps over the holidays. It was precious. I'd also like to thank Mechanor and Jack and Jack's civillian boyfriend for preventing my crazy sister from killing my daughter over the course of December. That was nice of you.

While I'm thanking people, I'd like to "thank" Lock and Load for updating my blog while I was wallowing. Which is why my blog has a new password. Not that that'll stop Kushiel from hacking it. Sigh.

Okay, that sound means that Deirdre is upset I'm not using this time to feed and/or change her, so I'm off for now.

Finally, Some Peace

Or, at least, until Lock, Load, Dina, Judy, and Eliza get back from the beer run. I swear at least one of them is probably not coming back alive.

Which leaves me and the guys and Mechanor. I never thought that C.J. and Captain Visigoth would be the peaceful, less rambunctious group.

Though Captain Visigoth is mostly being quiet because Jack and his boyfriend make him a bit uncomfortable. Which I think is kinda hilarious. I'm a little worried about Jack's boyfriend, though. I mean, yeah, Jack's a badass assassin/burglar, but Ricky's a bank teller (go on, guess how they met). I'm afraid Dina Might might forget and do something violent and fatal. Or maybe "forget" is the better term. Not to mention Eliza, though she's been on pretty good behavior lately. I think maybe the Angel is more in charge than she is right now.

Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, yeah, she's less murderous, but, it's still my little sister.

God, is C.J. throwing up again? What the fuck is he drinking, listerine?

Anyway, Captain Visigoth is calling me out on typing on the laptop rather than socializing, so I'd better go before he introduces his warhammer to my computer. Another damage report later.

It's A Madhouse!

Okay.

I haven't been posting, but this time I have a good reason.

You seem I was right, C.J. did show up.

But that's not all.

My "good friend" Captain Visigoth sent out a bunch of invitations for a big Christmas get-together. Which is cool. The uncool part? He kinda set it for my place without asking or telling anyone that he didn't have my permission.

So, as we speak, my brother, my sister, Lock, Load, Mechanor, Jack Knife and his boyfriend, Captain Visigoth, Dina Might, Fallout, in addition to Judy and I, are all crashing in my lair for god knows how long. I've had to take care of them and get groceries and prevent Lock and Load from goading Judy into a fight and stop Eliza from killing everyone and I haven't really had the time to sit down in between all that making Christmas Dinner, the fact that Mechanor brought the fruitcake nonwithstanding.

It was some seriously excellent fruitcake, by the by. I'm not normally a fruitcake kinda guy, but that was some nice stuff.

God, it sounds like C.J.'s gotten into the wine again. I'd better go be bad cop and cut him off before I have to hold his hair back while he pukes and keep Eliza from hatcheting him while his back is turned. More on this wondrous holiday season later.

Ug

So after my pity fest, I'm finally ready to talk about what happened.

I went there to try to stop him. When "Molten Steel" saw me, though, he threw lava at me and yelled, "You stole my son!" Well, it sounded more like "Yu stho my thon!", as said by a volcano, but you get my drift. And then I kinda took off my helmet and said, "I am your son!"

And things kinda devolved from there. Have you ever seen a mile-tall magma monster have a father-son argument before? Well...yeah, okay, if you were watching the news at the time, yeah, you have. But still.

It was wierd, because I just started venting everything that had ever gone wrong in my life and everything Steel had missed for the first time ever. Things like, "Mom killed herself because of you." And "Where were you when Eliza needed someone to take her to the hospital." And "CJ never would have become a druggie if you had been around once in a while."

And then the bastard had the gall to apologize! He was never sorry before! Damnit!

How am I supposed to hate him now that I know he regrets what he did? The worst part is, right after he apologized, he solidified and all life signs faded, so now it seems that the only reason he came back and destroyed a swath of Illinois was to make his peace with me! So, I mean, I guess I still kinda hate him, since he did nothing to try to make peace with CJ or Eliza, but, still. How are you supposed to feel when someone you hate comes back to life just long enough to say, "Sorry I screwed up" to you?

Ergh! This makes me so mad. I'm gonna go knock over a bank. Probably literally. That might make me feel a little better.

Man.

You people sure know how to take the fun out of my father being a giant magma monster. Yes, I know he's looking for me and yes, he's headed to New Vineyard. But, listen, he's moving at like a mile an hour. He's too heavy and goopy to move any faster. Before he gets anywhere near Lake Michigan, some hero or another will probably be able to find a way to stop him. And if he gets here? He's just going to solidify when he hits the water. Problem solved.

Next I'll get emails that are all, "blah blah blah, the monster's crushing small towns and it's all your fault." Well. Yeah. Okay, now I feel pretty guilty.

God damnit. Now I have to do something about this.

Judy just raised an interesting point, though. I never got the chance to settle things with American Steel. Maybe now I can have that chance. Hmmm.

Alright, I'll stop him. It seems Quizzer, Mississippi Grizzly and the rest are too incompetent anyway. Plus, it's best to get this over with before he starts calling out Eliza's name and Illinois gets ravaged by a psychotic nephilim fighting a mile-high Magma Monster.

Hatchet Report

Had dinner with Eliza and Judy. She was well behaved. We got to talk about what's been going on, our careers, etc. Eliza's just stopping by on her way back to Anarchy Groves in Penn. She's also apparently started killing the mayor of Anarchy Groves pretty much whenever a new one gets elected. Said something about trying to foster an environment of terror in the city.

She's taking off in an hour or so, and while I'm not sad to see her leave, it was honestly good to see she's doing well. I mean, she may be a mass-murdering psychopath, but she's still my baby sister.

A Small Reunion

I was afraid this would happen.

About three in the morning last night, I woke because of a flickering light on my face. When I opened my eyes, there was a petite twenty year old girl with short red hair standing over my bed with a large, flaming axe. This redhead had a maniacal look in her eyes and said axe was raised with intent to kill.

"God damnit Eliza." I muttered, shoving her away from the bed casually. "Learn to knock."

She smiled, rushed to me, and hugged me when I sat up. "Big brother! You know I would never stab you."

"Only because you can't." I replied. This happens every time she shows up. Even with that magic axe and most of the powers of the the angel of death, she can't quite pierce my skin. Sometimes she says its because of the ceramic in my body. Other times she says she can't because I'm her elder sibling and she's forbidden from re-enacting Cain and Abel by the very divine spirit that empowers her. It makes me the only relative she can actually visit without attempting to murder.

"I will someday." She said. She meant it, too. I'm pretty sure Eliza Ferrian, also known as Hatchet, will be the death of me some day. Literally.

"Eliza. What did you do with my girlfriend?" I asked, just now noticing Judy wasn't where she had been when we went to sleep.

"I tied her up and locked her in the closet, and told her I'd kill her after I was done with you." She replied as if she was talking about doing the dishes or some other slightly unpleasant chore.

"Not again. Come on, let's get her out of there and we can, I dunno, get some pizza or something."

Judy was not exactly thrilled at her encounter with my sister. Oh well, I warned her. Mostly, she was confused by Eliza. Because after untying her, she acted as if nothing wierd or wrong had happened. And she was mostly normal, except when she tried to kill the pizza delivery guy. I stopped her, because, well, watching Eliza kill someone is not a very appetizing precursor to a meal.

That's what people don't get, and that's what's so heartbreaking about Eliza's condition. She just doesn't think it's wrong to kill people. She's a nice, sweet girl, she hates lying, and used to go to church twice a week--hell, she might still. But murder? Murder's a thing she does. She doesn't have a reason. She doesn't have a motive. She doesn't need them. She just murders. I'm not even sure she enjoys it. There's just this inhuman drive in her that makes her kill.

I think Judy's starting to get that as well. Eliza said she's missed me, so she's going to be hanging around here a few days. There's really nothing I can do about it, either. I mean, she's a Scarlet Sorceress villain. As strong and crafty as I am, I just can't compete with that. And, also, she has the whole, "not bound by the laws or traps of man" things going on, being half angel.

More later if I'm still alive.

My Absence

Sorry all for no post. It's been kinda hectic lately. Y'see, some extra-dimensional jackass decided it'd be fun to pit a team of different versions of me from a dozen alternate realities against a similar team of Quizzers. The idea being that, if you put a team of identical heroes and villains in a battlefield realm, eventually it can be decided whether or not good or evil is superior. Which, now that I think about it, is so Star Trek it hurts. Though it didn't quite work out like that.

Y'see, in at least two realities, I become the new American Steel when father kicks the bucket. So those two didn't quite get along with the rest of us. No to mention the mirror-universe me, where Doctor Cataclysm was a hero fighting against the evil "Steel Trap." So, in the end, it was the vilainous mes and the evil Quizzers versus the good mes and the heroic Quizzers.

By the way, Evil Quizzer was hilarious. Still named Quizzer, though Limerick might have been a better name.

Anyway, that fight happened, and ended mostly in a draw before that extradimensional bastard sent us back to our normal realities. Except, of course, he sent evil Quizzer to this one in addition to normal Quizzer. At least the presence of two Quizzers helped corroborate my story better with Judy.

Evil Quizzer then kinda went on a rampage and had to be stopped by his heroic counterpart. The police have him in a specially designed holding cell while they wait for Doctor Fate to show up and use her (or is she male again? I can never keep track) extradimensional powers to send him to his proper dimension.

Oh, and also, there was a power outage at St. Toluca's, and all of the inmates escaped. That includes both Nuke and my sister Hatchet.

Joy.

Urgh

I have gotten so many emails from angsty teens ever since I mentioned Hatchet was my sister.

I'm not sure when my sister became some sort of goth/emo icon. But if you met her in real life, she would not talk to you about the "beauty of death" or the "agony of life". She would just kill you. Seriously. 'Serial killer' doesn't even really cover it, because a serial killer usually has more of a motive than "I have a pointy object. I should totally kill someone with it. That would rule."

And for the last time, she is NOT the Angel of Death. She just ate him and gained his powers. So she's more like a nephilim.

No more emails about Eliza! Seriously guys. My inbox, she can't take it.

Wedding Preparation

Just got back from the rehearsal dinner. "La Bien Vida" is, technically, still standing. But only technically.

On Thursday afternoon, I got a knock on the surface elevator door. When I answered, there was a scrawny young woman with dirty blonde hair, torn blue jeans and a tank top. Her greeting was to punch me in the chest. To give you some idea how strong Dina Might is, I had to patch an exterior wall in my lair. And I still have a bruise.

She didn't mean any malice by this. In fact, after she dragged in a suitcase and watched me weld a plate into the wall, she commented on my ability to take a hit. I asked her not to punch my girlfriend, and she clapped me on the shoulder and laughed loudly.

Anyway, CV showed up a little while after with an armful of suitcases and bags. Most of them looked to be Dina's.

I'm gonna point out that Dina Might is significantly stronger than CV. See anything wrong with this picture?

I was also confused by why they were here rather than a hotel. Or, more accurately, I was suspicious as to why they were here rather than a motel. My suspicions were answered when CV said, "Thanks for letting us stay here over the weekend Big C."

I wanted to say, "Oh Hell No." But frankly, I was worried I wouldn't have a base left if Dina found out Visigoth hadn't cleared it with me and there was a domestic squabble.

After their stuff was settled, I introduced them to Judy. It went about as well as expected.

CV: Daaaamn Big C, she's got a nice....
Dina: *punches CV in the kindeys.*
CV: *doubles over in pain*
Dina: *extends hand* Hi hon, I'm Dina.
Judy: *power armored-knee to CV's face* I'm Judy. Nice arm.

I had my misgivings about CV getting married, but I think Dina might actually be able to keep him in line.

It hasn't all been fun times of seriously injuring Cappy, though. Apparently he couldn't think of anyone to invite to his side so he invited, like, all of my supervillainous ex girlfriends (Fallout, Dionaea, both Lock and Load, and Icicle). And my brother and sister. And Jack Knife and Mechanor, who I don't really have a problem with, but they round out the list.

Of course, I punched him for inviting my exes. And then I told Judy. And then she punched him, with her June Bug armor on.

Judy's excited about meeting my family. They probably won't show, though. I've gotten confirmation Eliza's alive, but she's locked up in St. Toluca's. And C. J. 's probably in some backwater third world country, either getting stoned out of his gourd or razing it to the ground. Or both. If he isn't dead.

The wedding's tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's not going to go well. But at least I'll probably get to see CV get beaten to a pulp some more. That ought to be fun.

My Family

All that's happened has got me thinking about my family.

This is never a good thing.

My mother killed herself at the height of American Steel's career. My sister is a serial killer. My brother is a junkie merc. I don't know if either of them is alive right now.

Yeah. American Steel, Protector of the American Family, couldn't keep his own from going to hell. What a shock.

Now you see why I left my father to die in a pit in the bowels of the earth while I gave his murderer a proper burial? He did everything he could for every other person on the planet with his "mission", but he ignored us. Mom just couldn't take it.

Way to go Dad. Your eldest is Doctor Cataclysm, and your baby twins are superpowered psycho Hatchet and equally unstable Overdose.

This is why I don't want Judy to meet my family. Can you blame me?

Yeah, I know. I'm one to talk about people having "Daddy issues". Sorry Fallout.