June Bug--Update

So, Judy won't admit to being June Bug. Even though whenever I bring her up, she gets a telltale self-satisfied smirk on her face and says an off-handed comment about putting people in their place. Which, obviously, just makes me suspect her even more.

However, wow, she's been...enthusiastic...all day. Supervillainy seems to have gotten her in a reaaaally good mood, if you catch my drift. Still, I wonder why she hasn't admitted to being June Bug. I mean, it's pretty obvious to me. And it's probably pretty obvious to Brannigan as well. Maybe I'll bring that up with her later. For now, we're gonna watch Terminator and eat some kettle popcorn.

New (?) Villain in Town

Right at this moment, a girl in beetle-esque power armor is holding the head of Brannigan's New Vineyard branch by his neck several thousand feet above the city. Because of her bronze armor and the fact she seems to have some sort of gravity-manipulator that enables her to smash into objects with substantially more mass than she actually has, and the month, the press has labeled her "June Bug". She has yet to make any demands, but apparently smashed through the upper levels of Brannigan Towers and grabbed him after saying something about "Needing to talk to him about some of his gender policies."

...is it just me, or does this all sound familiar? Gravity manipulation, a score to settle with Brannigan...

God, I hope Judy knows what she's doing. If it is Judy.

Hmm

So, I think Judy's up to something, though I'm not sure what. When I picked her up and dropped her off, I noticed she had a lot of high-tech equipment in her living room. She also didn't seem to want me to come in, like she's hiding something.

Hmmm.

Armor Test

I took the new armor out for a spin today. There was this armored car that had some secret plans that were headed to Brannigan that I wanted to hit. It went pretty well, I was able to basically tear the car in half and steal the plans before Quizzr showed up. I haven't had a chance to look at them, though, since I'm taking Judy out tonight in an attempt to make her feel better. She's been really busy with something over the past few days, and she won't really say what. Oh well, she'll tell me eventually.

Worried About Judy

Judy's really starting to get me worried. It seems like she's just getting more and more depressed the longer she works at Brannigan. And she still won't tell me what's going on--though I think I'm starting to get a picture in my head from her off-handed comments. I think they aren't letting her take credit for something she invented because she's a woman. And I think, though I'm not sure, they've said it's because she's an intern. But I'm also getting the impression male interns are getting a different treatment.

If this keeps up, I'm going to suggest she leave.

Stuff

CV sent me a drunken voicemail today apologizing for the weekend. He's a great guy, but, seriously, he could use a little better self control. Especially if he's getting hitched. Especially if he's getting hitched to Dina Might, the woman who once broke a skyscraper with her face.

In other news, I'm worried about Judy. It seems like whatever bad stuff's happening at work is just getting worse. She's actually let slip a few things--something about a patent and a glass ceiling. I hope she gives me the whole story soon--who knows, maybe I can threaten a few Brannigan officials into submission.

I Hate My Friends

Okay, to give you guys some reference, I just got in.

From when I went out Friday night.

I knew it was gonna be trouble the whole time, too. You see, Captain Visigoth knocked. Read your history books--Visigoths were not known for their courtesy. Y'see, the big lug came to have a drink with his old buddy. He also came to ask a favor.

Mechanor, I have no idea why that guy was here. Or why CV decided he should go drinking with us, since he's a robot...thing, and doesn't drink. But the tuna casserole he brought, that was just wierd, man. The minute he...er, it, I guess, is more accurate. Anyway, the minute it came through the door, it handed me this glass dish full of tuna, cheese, and noodles, and said, "Mechanor has made you a casserole. It is very nutricious and should stimulate your oral taste receptors well. Mechanor does not need the pan back. Silicon is common and easily replaceable." It's a pretty good caserole, though. I'm eating it now. Needs some pepper, though. Knowing him, spices are probably frivolous. Like personal pronouns, apparently.

I know CV because, after he was freed from that Roman temple he was trapped in back in the 80's, he did odd jobs for supervillains for a while, before he broke out into fame of his own in the late 90's. One of those villains was the old boss. We used to go drinking and pillaging right before a big rampage, to get ourselves pumped. That was back in the Bulldozer days, of course.

Anyway, CV (Captain Visigoth, by the way, is his legal name) started talking about the good old days, and how he missed just kicking back and tearing down a city block or two. I didn't have anything else to do, so I decided to go, but I was a bit wary. CV was acting waaaay too considerate for me to trust him. The guy once headbutted an elderly security guard. Not because he was a threat, but because CV thought it would be funny.

So we went out drinking while Mechanor tried to analyze everything we did, and we were chilling in a bar, scaring the patrons, waiting for the cops to try to throw us out, when CV asked me if I wanted to be his best man in August. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend but apparently, he and Dina Might are getting hitched. They met at...some place. I don't remember. I had a couple bottles of Jack in me at the time. But apparently they've been dating for a couple years now.

CV's a really, really bad poker player, so I could tell he wasn't telling me something, but then the cops came and we had a big barfight. And, right in the middle of the bedlam Captain V asked me the second, and main part of his favor.

He wants to hold it here. In New Vineyard--he thinks the pier would be a great place to have it, and no other island's villain will let him within five hundred miles of their cities. A supervillain wedding. Not only that, but a wedding between two of the most needlessly destructive supervillains this planet's seen. Trashing up my city. Which, as I've said before, is my job.

Before I could answer, he threw a cop through the wall, told me to think about it, and then suggested we all go to a strip club. I tried my damndest to not go with him, since I hate how CV gets around women, but, an hour later, there we were.

It didn't really take long for CV to start getting rough with the girls, which I don't really approve of, so I got rough with him, told him to back off, and then, well, we got in a little fight.

And by a little fight, I mean we burned down most of the dock area beating the crap out of each other while Mechanor stayed at the strip joint, and, for some unearthly reason, tried to pole dance. I think he was trying to understand why it was so enthralling. Sometimes I wonder how this guy was able to invade the whole world.

Now, here's where my memory gets a little fuzzy, because I think that I agreed to both be his best man and let him have his wedding here if he both let me bring a date and got the hell out of town until then. He agreed, but before he could leave, Quizzer showed up, and we fought, and I used the time Quizzer was spending to beat up my friends to go hide out at Judy's.

I slept most of the day, and then Judy took me out to get some water and food in me, we fooled around a bit, and then I came back here and decided to condense everything that's happened on this blog.

I have a feeling I'm going to regret that promise. Oh well, time for sleep.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

TEARS AND FIRE.

TEARS AND FIRE.

More Politics

Y'know, Brian Shasta has to be the one person made vice presidential candidate out of pity. I mean, as a senator he screwed up in pretty much every way he could--I understand he's a nice guy, but, really, politics ain't for nice guys. Hell, Rake probably kicks puppies when the cameras are off. And

Okay, there's someone knocking on my door. This is odd because I live at the bottom of a great lake.

Alright, gonna have to cut this short. Captain Visigoth and Mechanor just came by. They want to go out drinking.

I have a feeling this is gonna end in tears. And fire. Tears and fire.

Up to Date

I spent a lot of the past couple weeks alternatively with Judy and working on my new armor--which is now done. I'll probably take it out to test sometime this weekend. I'm happy with it--full body armor this time, with much better shock absorbtion and even more gadgets. The only problem is, I used up most of my duranium when making it. Which means I should definitely make a trip down south soon and see if I can scavenge some of the Cataclysm Engine or something.

Judy's doing fine, though I get the feeling she's having some trouble at the Brannigan. She won't tell me what, though, as she's afraid I'd blow up the place if I knew. Which just makes me want to know more, of course. But she can take care of herself.

Apparently, if you haven't heard already, Rake's making his Fourth of July address right here in New Vineyard. Maybe I'll go see it. Or maybe I'll stay in my air-coniditioned room and watch it on tv.

Yeah, that sounds much better. Well, I'm less busy now, so expect more posts in the next week.

Siluriformes, pt 2.

Yeah, I suck. But I have good reason to not have updated, which I'll explain once I finish saying what happened a couple weeks ago.

Okay, so my plan was that if the fish men have stuff that lets them access a global positioning network, it stands to reason that they might have networked other information, in something like the internet. So, I bought a laptop linked with my home computer to the coffee shop and had my computer find a connection and translate the information for me, so Quizzer and I could find out a bit more about the Siluriformes' inconvenient plans.

Turns out, their information network is a lot like the internet. And my computer's translator isn't always spot-on. Suffice it to say that I have seen fish porn. And I am never eating cavier or sushi ever again.

So, after I scarred myself and Quizzer (who is, by the way, a dorky redhead with glasses and questionable taste in clothing) for life, I found their version of wikipedia, and found out a bit about them.

So, apparently, there was a civilzation of fish people under the atlantic a way way long time ago. A fringe group thought that all surface dwellers needed to die, but the mainstream fish folks weren't so keen on that. There was a big war where lots of weapons of mass destruction were used, and when the smoke cleared, an island was sunk and sterilized of surface life and the fish people were nearly destroyed. The survivors of the anti-surface dwellers were exiled to a prison-colony under a freshwater lake system, where they lived and evolved for millions of years before I, um, accidentally freed them when my face hit the lake bottom hard enough to make it molten for a brief moment.

And now they're back and trying to annihilate the surface dwellers once again somehow. I'd just like to point out, before I start getting hate mail, that I had no way of controling where I impacted. Seriously. Not my fault.

Anyway, after we'd had enough of searching for random things on fishwiki, Quizzer (who, because he helped me out, will remain with his secret identity intact. For now.) and I went to the dock to see if we could find out anything more.

Now, I didn't have my armor at the time because, well, my plans were taking a bit longer than I'd anticipated, so I just had my bracers. Quizzer was fully suited up. I felt like I needed an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt.

We spent a lot of time just kind of looking around, Quizzer broadly hinting that maybe I should get my sub, me ignoring him out of spite. We'd just about had it with each other when a big thing that looked like a giant tuning fork rose out of the water. Okay, well, it looked like a giant tuning fork attached to a city block sized hovercraft covered in weapons. As we watched, the hovercraft projected this big holographic image in the air that showed Captain Deadfish himself. He gargled for a while and repeatedly pointed to my Judy with a trident and made it clear that if we did anything, no more Judy.

Of course, given that I pretty much instantly put two and two together and realized just what that thing was, I knew that Judy would have probably died anyway if we let it go off.

It was a device to pull all the oxygen out of the air for, like, twenty minutes at most. Long enough to kill pretty much every complex animal on the planet--at least, every one that wasn't aquatic in some way, shape, or form. I knew what it was because, well, I kinda have one down in the lair. Nothing as big as this, of course, mine's more for a room than the entire planet. But still, same premise.

Of course, only a Deviant Reactor could power something like this. And if that Deviant Diamond was found on the ocean bottom, that probably meant that the fishmen had this technology way back then.

And, of course, I had to explain it all to Quizzer. And then I had to explain how a Deviant Reactor worked. And then I had to put the whole picture together for him.

And then he asked me how I'd recognized it so quickly and luckily the fishmen started shooting at us before I had to make up an answer.

Now, fighting the Siluriformes was easy. Especially with my bracers. The trick was trying to figure out a way to stop the reactor and save Judy at the same time. And let me tell you, Quizzer was no help at all. I had to do all the planning, while fighting, while Mr. No-technical-know-how sat back and tossed fish left and right.

See, if you pull a diamond out of a Deviant Reactor, the reactor explodes. That's why there's that giant crater in Siberia where Devias had his lab. When Mr. Liberty pulled those gems out, boom. And it takes about a day to shut down, so even if we'd been able to start the shutdown procedure, chances were high that the remaining energy would still wipe out a lot of people.

My plan was genius and Quizzer is just to narrow-minded to see it. I wanted him to use his psychic powers, after I'd rescued Judy, to send the Oxygen Devourer to about where the prison colony is and let it detonate there. Two birds, one stone. However, he was all "morally oposed" to that. So, instead, the plan was just to send it into space with a combination my bracers and his powers. Lame.

I broke into the hovercraft, fought my way to the control center, and there I faced off with Captain Deadfish.

Well, faced off implies a fight. I just really smacked him around a bit, grabbed Judy, and got out of there.

Apparently, the explosion of the hovercraft was visible all across the northern hemisphere. Nasa is a bit pissed at Quizzer and I, though. Apparently, we broke some satellite or something. Oh well. You'd think they'd thank us for, I don't know, saving the world or something.

It was such a relief to get Judy back. And Judy was very happy to see me.

Veeeery happy. It's been a reeeeeeal nice couple of weeks, if you catch my drift.

Okay, just one more post and I'll be caught up on these things. Right now I have to go out on a double date with Judy, Quizzer, and his girlfriend.