P.A.N.I.C. and the Crisco

I have been here nearly a week and we have still accomplished nothing.

When Quizzer hyjacked my mole machine while I was unconscious, he dragged me all the way out to an old abandoned missile silo in Pennsylvania or something, where he had gotten a message that super-powered folks were meeting. Apparently, a lot of minor super heroes and villains got the message too.

And when we were all assembled, demons started pouring from the woodwork. Quizzer never questioned who actually sent that message.

Luckily, I was awake at the time, and we managed to route the ambush with only a few casualties. Which is a miracle, because half the time we were tripping over each other trying to do something.

And when the fighting was over, they turned to Quizzer and I and said, "What are we going to do now?"

Well, okay, it was a bit more varied and vulgar than that, but you get the idea. Suddenly we were expected to solve this whole mess.

So we've formed a gigantic superhero-villain team-up that someone had the bright idea to name P.A.N.I.C. and no, that doesn't actually stand for anything. I'm just thankful for the Crisco Laws right now. Maybe something good can come out of this horrible situation

Cricso Laws, for those of you who don't speak super villain--if a super criminal saves or helps save the world, they're eligible for a full pardon. Ironically enough, this law is from the first time Rakshasa nearly destroyed everything.

Speaking of P.A.N.I.C., we're about to have another "meeting", so I'll write more later.

The Story Thus Far

Judy and I had an argument right before the inauguration. She didn't see what I was so worried about, if there was a truce with Rakshasa.

So she stormed off and I went to follow her. I saw the inauguration like people see important things in movies--from tvs in a store window.

Then there was a big rumbling and I realized that there might've been an alterior motive for Brannigan building this island where it did. Say, maybe there was a transdimensional rift right here. Maybe a few hundred feet in the air. Something like that would be an excellent power source.

Unfortunately, when it opens to Hell, that means when Rakshasa opens up all the portals to Hell, that a monster born from nightmare a couple hundred feet tall and about that wide crashes through it. The Brannigan Building exploded, which caused a lot of damage, but the massive wall of pustulant flesh that oozed from its wreckage that was the real problem.

I caught up with Judy right then, and before either of us could say anything, an eye the size of a mini-mart opened in the center of the oozing thing's mass, centered on us, and fired an eye beam.

I pushed Judy out of the way and took the whole thing myself. It really, really hurt, and knocked me through a bank, which right now I realize is so ironic it hurts, but it was fortunately just a force beam and not a demon laser or hellfire or anything. I think Judy called out my name, but I didn't quite catch it, because before I could completely collect myself, she teleported her armor to her and shot towards the thing.

And a pseudopod of flesh formed and batted her away like she was actually a June Bug. She landed with a heavy thump-crash that knocked her through several layers of pavement. By this time, I could see Quizzer throwing the wreckage of the Brannigan Building at the demon with his mind.

Now, I was pissed, so I turned my right bracer all the way up, into a focused blast. The focused blast is that thing that the old Doc used on American Steel to actually hurt him, it's essentially taking the full power of an earthquake compressed into one small point.

So I turned it up as far as I could, pointed it at the demon, and fired, and right at that moment, right at that very moment, June Bug shot up in between me and the demon, right in the path of the blast. I didn't know, I didn't have time.

It hit her and she had her gravity distortion up as high as it could go so when it hit her she flew forward like a bullet and smashed straight through its body, from eye out the back and it deflated or something and melted but I wasn't paying attention I was just running and trying to find her.

Okay. Took a couple minutes to calm down.

We found Judy in lake Michigan. Her armor was a bit warped. The doctors say we got her out just in time. They're confident she'll wake up. Probably.

I should be there with her instead of here.

Ugh, but, there's one more part to this.

At her bedside, I said, "Rakshasa!" And he showed up. Or, at least an image of him.

"Oh dear. A bit of a mess, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window at New Vineyard.

"We had a deal. I don't try to stop you, my friends and family go unharmed." I snarled at him, in my rage, nbot quite registering that I was snarling at Rakshasa.

"Well, yes, and that deal still applies. I have done nothing to harm you and yours." He replied. "Do you suppose all those buildings were insured?"

"That demon chose me as the first target."

"Oh, you wanted to make deals with all the demons in Hell as well?" He said, finally turning to me. "Because that is a horse of a different color. I agreed I would not harm them when the world was bathed in hellfire, but I can't speak for every single demon out there. I am President now, therefore I cannot hold another political office, so, while the invasion is in progress, I am no longer King of Demons. Once I have destroyed this world, all of your friends and family will be safe but, until then, I hold no sway over them, officially."

I would have wanted to punch that smile off his face if it wasn't so damn creepy.

"Ah, there's that look of horrible realization. Rake had it, Shasta had it, that Greek soldier I first possessed had it...essentially, everyone I have ever made a deal with, really." Rakshasa grinned even wider. "Oh, if only I had a camera every time I saw someone's face like that. And yes, I may have let slip that your friends and family will be unable to be killed after this point, when I regain my throne, so they may be out for you and yours specifically, but, well, you know how gossip spreads. Oh, no, I was mistaken. THAT is the expression I want to have photographed every time. Well, I have important world-destruction to do and I am sure you will be busy trying to defend your loved ones from this new horrid revelation." An eye opened on his shoulder which glanced down at Judy. "I do hope you are every bit as successful with that as you have been today."

Then he disappeared and Dina knocked me out when I was arguing that I should stay.

And now I'm at a collection of third and second-rate superheroes and villains, wondering where the first stringers are and trying not to kill each other in the process.

I'm sure this will all end up great.

The Speech

Just in case you didn't get a chance to see it before the world started to end, here's Jonathan Rake's Innaugural Address. And, oh, when he was sworn in, he didn't use a copy of the bible.

Rake started the speech by laughing maniacally.

"I apologize. For a long time, I have dreamed of this moment. Frankly, I am a bit overwhelmed.

I want to thank you, the people of the United States of America, and the people of the world itself, for making the office of President what it is today. In its first incarnation it was meant as a balanced figure, not a leader but, rather, a manager, the face behind the law the other branches create and enforce.

But you, you the people have made it so much more. The President is a symbol of freedom. "The Leader of the Free World", people have called the possessor of this office. You, and the traditions of the nation, and how other nations view this land, have made the office of President so much more than it was intended, perhaps not the leader in the letter of the law, but very much so in the spirit.

And, it turns out, the spirit is all I need."

Then he turned into his weird tiger-headed form and the screaming started.

"It was so easy to manipulate you all. Give you something too good to be true and like sheep you never questioned if it was.

Much like Rake, really. I gave him a chance to be in power. He realized he was too much of a nice guy. Nice guys never really make it in American politics. They end up building houses for the poor, all but forgotten and abandoned for the cutthroat, the ruthless. And if it makes you all feel better he regrets what he promised me for this chance.

Oh, I should get on to business before someone tries to stop me."

His tentacles formed and lashed out and killed all the guards who had been rushing to him.

"As I was saying, I am now leader of this country. I own all of the government-owned land, all of the borders, everything. In your perspective, anyway. I now am the symbol of this nation as much as the flag. I am the face the United States presents to the world.

And, as my first act as President, I declare that all portals to the Demon World, all those government owned and protected areas of land, be opened. Now."

He "smiled" then much wider than he should have been able to.

"Now, if the band could start playing 'Hail to the Chief', that would be lovely."

He didn't keep his word, I'm not going to keep mine.

He's going down.

It's Begun

It's been about two hours since Rakshasa put his plan into motion.

Demons are rampaging across the country. Heroes and villains alike have answered the call to stopping them.

And there's already been a casualty.

The doctors are swamped, but they told me she'll probably wake up some day. They don't know exactly when, but they're sure she'll wake up.

It's all my fault. It's my fault. She flew in front of me and I didn't have time to stop my bracer. I didn't.

The wave just hit her and the demon. If only I could have acted faster. I should have been able to act faster.

Quizzer's telling me a bunch of heroes and villains and stuff are meeting somewhere out east to figure out how we're going to deal with this and we should probably get moving fast. But I don't want to leave her here. Not undefended. I mean, Dina's offering to stay behind and watch her but I'm the one who put her in a coma it's my responsibilit

Hey, this is Quizzer. Dina just knocked Doc C out. He'll write again when he wakes up and we're on our way.

Not long now

I can't sleep. I really can't. It's time. I mean, it's nearly time, less than a day.

Judy isn't worried. She's sleeping soundly.

What should I do? What should I have done? How will I be remembered after all this is over with? The coward who did nothing while the world burned?

...I need a drink.

This Old Secret Lair

It's really not as hard to convert part of a secret lair into a nursery as one might believe. Though it is pretty time consuming. Especially when the mother to be wants a specific brand for everything in her nursery. And guess what? It's all really expensive things that have to be stolen. Well, they don't have to be, but I am a supervillain. No way am I actually gonna buy a thousand dollar crib.

And, of course, the tabloids have taken this opportunity to question whether I'm the one whose child is being born, since I've suddenly gone on a big baby-stuff stealing binge.

Which, rumor-wise I kinda prefer to the truth of the fact that I'm just supremely whipped.

But, after battling various superheroes and traveling across the nation, Dina's nursery of doom is complete. Now I get to sit back and relax.

...or I would if the inauguration wasn't tuesday at noon.

God damn it. Oh well, that was a nice distraction, at any rate.

Of Course.

This is just my life.

This is how my life goes.

I spend all new years eve fighting with my nemesis against a crazy man made of nuclear fire rather than drinking and hanging out with my friends because I'm too much of a softy to let Nuke rampage around town when I know he's looking for me.

Then I come home at five in the morning and find the place trashed, Captain Visigoth gone, and Dina sobbing heavily while Judy comforts her. I tried to ask what was wrong, and Dina punched me.

Apparently, my old friend Captain Visigoth knocked her up. She told him this after the ball dropped and he took it poorly. As in, he ran as fast as he could away from her.

And Judy and Dina are such good friends so of course Judy would come to me and tell me--not ask me--that Dina's going to be staying with us until she gets back on her feet. Because "this is a hard time and I know you'll be understanding about this Silas. Won't you?"

God I'm whipped.