Deirdre

So, Deirdre.

Well, not long after the whole explosive breakup with Judy, Dina and I were settling back into the base when she goes into labor. And, since the father, my "good friend" Captain Visigoth is god only knows where, I had to take the pregnant half-jöttun to the hospital. Let me tell you, they are going to be repairing that maternity ward for a while. I mean, she was in labor for twevle hours at least, and every time she thrashed or kicked with that super strength of hers behind it, something blew up.

At some point I got so tired even the sounds of her destroying the hospital started to lull me to sleep, so I dozed off in like the only remaining chair around.

Now, some of you might be thinking: why didn't you go in there and hold her hand or something? What kind of gentleman are you? Answer: The kind that enjoys having non-broken bones. She's not my wife, I'm not going to put myself in intensive care for her. It kind of feels good to be able to say that without Judy punching me.

Anyway, when I woke up, the doctors were trying to hand me what I could only assume was Dina's baby, saying congratulations in the tone one uses when a gun is pointed at them.

The conversation went something like this:

"I'm not the father."

"The mother threatened us unless we processed her signing over custody to you."

"WTF"

"Sorry man."

In essence, Dina decided she didn't really want a kid either, so she didn't even bother naming her daughter before skipping town. Turns out if your mom's a frost giant, having a kid doesn't slow you down much. So Dina used the only tool she knows--brute force--and got her daughter adopted by me while I was asleep and then took off, probably to try to find her errant husband.

In hindsight, I should have expected something like this after she asked what my signature was like.

So, I named her Deirdre Elizabeth Ferrian, after my grandmother and sister. And because I am both a tool and a doormat, she's now my kid.

Yep, I am now raising a baby that's half Germanic Demigod and a quarter Frost Giant.

I am not looking forward to the Terrible Twos.

But, I mean, it's been alright so far. Sure, she cries a lot but there's a seventy-thirty chance I'm awake anyway at any given time working on something anyway. And she's cute--I can already tell she'll be better looking than either of her parents when she grows up.

And woe to any boy who tries to take advantage of her. I'm already gearing up and excited for when I can threaten people when she's a teenager.

Anyway, I got a couple evil plans cooking up, more on that later.

THIS IS WHY YOU STAY SINGLE PEOPLE

Oh my god.

I am so angry right now.

I loved this plan. It was going so well. The heroes couldn't do jack without blood on their hands. All Judy had to do was say she wanted in on it and I would've shared.

Instead, she kicks me out! Dina too! She kicked her pregnant friend out. Lousy June Bug--Excuse me, Scarab.

Yes, that's Judy under the bulky spiky black armor. Apparently, what she 'brought back' wasn't a demon or an interdimensional parasite or anything like that. It was knowledge. And a major attitude problem. Locking me out of my own base. Commandeering my TrEyeumvirate. Beating the tar out of my nemesis.

You know what? She doesn't wanna be a team player? She wants to take everything from the guy who sat beside her bed for months wating for her to wake up? Well, two can play at this game. Yeah, she has my tech, my gear, better equipment, and a much higher IQ than me. Yeah, that angry Scarab armor can kick my ass even armored up. But I have one thing she doesn't.

Backup.

Time to give P.A.I.N. a trial by fire.

And Now, We Return You to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

So, Siluriformes are attacking the city right now with giant mechanical fishmen. I think I might record this. It's pretty good. I can see Quizzer fighting them from the hospital window. Gotta remember to salvage some of the pieces from the mechafish a bit later. I've been wondering what Siluriforme tech was like.

Judy sorta woke up yesterday. She said a few words and then passed out again. Something like "I hate hospitals". That's supposed to be a good sign. She was at least aware of her surroundings for a few seconds. Doctors are saying she should completely come out of it within the week.

Ouch, that's going to leave a mark. I hope they don't come closer to the hospital, I don't really feel like getting involved. Quizzer can handle this. He's the "big hero" after all.

Oh, by the time I came back? Dina Might's started to redecorate my base. She still can't get ahold of Captain Visigoth--personally, I think he's in Mexico doing body shots off of strippers and kind of in general being himself.

The Story Thus Far

Judy and I had an argument right before the inauguration. She didn't see what I was so worried about, if there was a truce with Rakshasa.

So she stormed off and I went to follow her. I saw the inauguration like people see important things in movies--from tvs in a store window.

Then there was a big rumbling and I realized that there might've been an alterior motive for Brannigan building this island where it did. Say, maybe there was a transdimensional rift right here. Maybe a few hundred feet in the air. Something like that would be an excellent power source.

Unfortunately, when it opens to Hell, that means when Rakshasa opens up all the portals to Hell, that a monster born from nightmare a couple hundred feet tall and about that wide crashes through it. The Brannigan Building exploded, which caused a lot of damage, but the massive wall of pustulant flesh that oozed from its wreckage that was the real problem.

I caught up with Judy right then, and before either of us could say anything, an eye the size of a mini-mart opened in the center of the oozing thing's mass, centered on us, and fired an eye beam.

I pushed Judy out of the way and took the whole thing myself. It really, really hurt, and knocked me through a bank, which right now I realize is so ironic it hurts, but it was fortunately just a force beam and not a demon laser or hellfire or anything. I think Judy called out my name, but I didn't quite catch it, because before I could completely collect myself, she teleported her armor to her and shot towards the thing.

And a pseudopod of flesh formed and batted her away like she was actually a June Bug. She landed with a heavy thump-crash that knocked her through several layers of pavement. By this time, I could see Quizzer throwing the wreckage of the Brannigan Building at the demon with his mind.

Now, I was pissed, so I turned my right bracer all the way up, into a focused blast. The focused blast is that thing that the old Doc used on American Steel to actually hurt him, it's essentially taking the full power of an earthquake compressed into one small point.

So I turned it up as far as I could, pointed it at the demon, and fired, and right at that moment, right at that very moment, June Bug shot up in between me and the demon, right in the path of the blast. I didn't know, I didn't have time.

It hit her and she had her gravity distortion up as high as it could go so when it hit her she flew forward like a bullet and smashed straight through its body, from eye out the back and it deflated or something and melted but I wasn't paying attention I was just running and trying to find her.

Okay. Took a couple minutes to calm down.

We found Judy in lake Michigan. Her armor was a bit warped. The doctors say we got her out just in time. They're confident she'll wake up. Probably.

I should be there with her instead of here.

Ugh, but, there's one more part to this.

At her bedside, I said, "Rakshasa!" And he showed up. Or, at least an image of him.

"Oh dear. A bit of a mess, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window at New Vineyard.

"We had a deal. I don't try to stop you, my friends and family go unharmed." I snarled at him, in my rage, nbot quite registering that I was snarling at Rakshasa.

"Well, yes, and that deal still applies. I have done nothing to harm you and yours." He replied. "Do you suppose all those buildings were insured?"

"That demon chose me as the first target."

"Oh, you wanted to make deals with all the demons in Hell as well?" He said, finally turning to me. "Because that is a horse of a different color. I agreed I would not harm them when the world was bathed in hellfire, but I can't speak for every single demon out there. I am President now, therefore I cannot hold another political office, so, while the invasion is in progress, I am no longer King of Demons. Once I have destroyed this world, all of your friends and family will be safe but, until then, I hold no sway over them, officially."

I would have wanted to punch that smile off his face if it wasn't so damn creepy.

"Ah, there's that look of horrible realization. Rake had it, Shasta had it, that Greek soldier I first possessed had it...essentially, everyone I have ever made a deal with, really." Rakshasa grinned even wider. "Oh, if only I had a camera every time I saw someone's face like that. And yes, I may have let slip that your friends and family will be unable to be killed after this point, when I regain my throne, so they may be out for you and yours specifically, but, well, you know how gossip spreads. Oh, no, I was mistaken. THAT is the expression I want to have photographed every time. Well, I have important world-destruction to do and I am sure you will be busy trying to defend your loved ones from this new horrid revelation." An eye opened on his shoulder which glanced down at Judy. "I do hope you are every bit as successful with that as you have been today."

Then he disappeared and Dina knocked me out when I was arguing that I should stay.

And now I'm at a collection of third and second-rate superheroes and villains, wondering where the first stringers are and trying not to kill each other in the process.

I'm sure this will all end up great.

It's Begun

It's been about two hours since Rakshasa put his plan into motion.

Demons are rampaging across the country. Heroes and villains alike have answered the call to stopping them.

And there's already been a casualty.

The doctors are swamped, but they told me she'll probably wake up some day. They don't know exactly when, but they're sure she'll wake up.

It's all my fault. It's my fault. She flew in front of me and I didn't have time to stop my bracer. I didn't.

The wave just hit her and the demon. If only I could have acted faster. I should have been able to act faster.

Quizzer's telling me a bunch of heroes and villains and stuff are meeting somewhere out east to figure out how we're going to deal with this and we should probably get moving fast. But I don't want to leave her here. Not undefended. I mean, Dina's offering to stay behind and watch her but I'm the one who put her in a coma it's my responsibilit

Hey, this is Quizzer. Dina just knocked Doc C out. He'll write again when he wakes up and we're on our way.

This Old Secret Lair

It's really not as hard to convert part of a secret lair into a nursery as one might believe. Though it is pretty time consuming. Especially when the mother to be wants a specific brand for everything in her nursery. And guess what? It's all really expensive things that have to be stolen. Well, they don't have to be, but I am a supervillain. No way am I actually gonna buy a thousand dollar crib.

And, of course, the tabloids have taken this opportunity to question whether I'm the one whose child is being born, since I've suddenly gone on a big baby-stuff stealing binge.

Which, rumor-wise I kinda prefer to the truth of the fact that I'm just supremely whipped.

But, after battling various superheroes and traveling across the nation, Dina's nursery of doom is complete. Now I get to sit back and relax.

...or I would if the inauguration wasn't tuesday at noon.

God damn it. Oh well, that was a nice distraction, at any rate.

Of Course.

This is just my life.

This is how my life goes.

I spend all new years eve fighting with my nemesis against a crazy man made of nuclear fire rather than drinking and hanging out with my friends because I'm too much of a softy to let Nuke rampage around town when I know he's looking for me.

Then I come home at five in the morning and find the place trashed, Captain Visigoth gone, and Dina sobbing heavily while Judy comforts her. I tried to ask what was wrong, and Dina punched me.

Apparently, my old friend Captain Visigoth knocked her up. She told him this after the ball dropped and he took it poorly. As in, he ran as fast as he could away from her.

And Judy and Dina are such good friends so of course Judy would come to me and tell me--not ask me--that Dina's going to be staying with us until she gets back on her feet. Because "this is a hard time and I know you'll be understanding about this Silas. Won't you?"

God I'm whipped.

Finally, Some Peace

Or, at least, until Lock, Load, Dina, Judy, and Eliza get back from the beer run. I swear at least one of them is probably not coming back alive.

Which leaves me and the guys and Mechanor. I never thought that C.J. and Captain Visigoth would be the peaceful, less rambunctious group.

Though Captain Visigoth is mostly being quiet because Jack and his boyfriend make him a bit uncomfortable. Which I think is kinda hilarious. I'm a little worried about Jack's boyfriend, though. I mean, yeah, Jack's a badass assassin/burglar, but Ricky's a bank teller (go on, guess how they met). I'm afraid Dina Might might forget and do something violent and fatal. Or maybe "forget" is the better term. Not to mention Eliza, though she's been on pretty good behavior lately. I think maybe the Angel is more in charge than she is right now.

Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, yeah, she's less murderous, but, it's still my little sister.

God, is C.J. throwing up again? What the fuck is he drinking, listerine?

Anyway, Captain Visigoth is calling me out on typing on the laptop rather than socializing, so I'd better go before he introduces his warhammer to my computer. Another damage report later.

It's A Madhouse!

Okay.

I haven't been posting, but this time I have a good reason.

You seem I was right, C.J. did show up.

But that's not all.

My "good friend" Captain Visigoth sent out a bunch of invitations for a big Christmas get-together. Which is cool. The uncool part? He kinda set it for my place without asking or telling anyone that he didn't have my permission.

So, as we speak, my brother, my sister, Lock, Load, Mechanor, Jack Knife and his boyfriend, Captain Visigoth, Dina Might, Fallout, in addition to Judy and I, are all crashing in my lair for god knows how long. I've had to take care of them and get groceries and prevent Lock and Load from goading Judy into a fight and stop Eliza from killing everyone and I haven't really had the time to sit down in between all that making Christmas Dinner, the fact that Mechanor brought the fruitcake nonwithstanding.

It was some seriously excellent fruitcake, by the by. I'm not normally a fruitcake kinda guy, but that was some nice stuff.

God, it sounds like C.J.'s gotten into the wine again. I'd better go be bad cop and cut him off before I have to hold his hair back while he pukes and keep Eliza from hatcheting him while his back is turned. More on this wondrous holiday season later.

The Wedding

It was actually a very nice wedding. Very classy. And everyone was on their best behavior. Judy totally cried.

I didn't. Captain Visigoth is a liar.

Awkwardness aside, it was kinda cool seeing all my exes. I'd sorta been out of contact the past few years with most of them. They're doing pretty good. Judy seemed a little intimidated, especially by Lock and Load. Or as she's muttering to herself, "The Improbably Busty Twins". She doesn't have anything to worry about, though. Dating those two was one of those things that only seemed like a good idea when I was heavily intoxicated. For one thing, those cybernetics never come off. Not even the guns. Honestly, same with Dionaea, though, obiovusly, for different reasons. Never date someone who is half plant. Trust me on this.

None of my family showed up, thank god.

And did anyone know that Jack Knife came out of the closet? I totally didn't until he showed up to the wedding with a dude. Good for him. Though apparently Lord Grim fired him as a henchman when he found out. Good riddance, if you ask me. Lord Grim is such a tool.

To continue bizarre trends, Mechanor gave me a blueberry pie. Dude makes a seriously excellent pie.

After the wedding, however, the party got a little wild. And by that I mean the American Steel Memorial Pier was demolished. Quizzer was smart enough not to show up--there's not much he could have done, what with a solid dozen fairly powerful supervillains in the area, not to even mention Dina Might's family.

All in all, it went a lot better than I'd expected it would have. Alright! Time for me to get some villainy started!

Wedding Preparation

Just got back from the rehearsal dinner. "La Bien Vida" is, technically, still standing. But only technically.

On Thursday afternoon, I got a knock on the surface elevator door. When I answered, there was a scrawny young woman with dirty blonde hair, torn blue jeans and a tank top. Her greeting was to punch me in the chest. To give you some idea how strong Dina Might is, I had to patch an exterior wall in my lair. And I still have a bruise.

She didn't mean any malice by this. In fact, after she dragged in a suitcase and watched me weld a plate into the wall, she commented on my ability to take a hit. I asked her not to punch my girlfriend, and she clapped me on the shoulder and laughed loudly.

Anyway, CV showed up a little while after with an armful of suitcases and bags. Most of them looked to be Dina's.

I'm gonna point out that Dina Might is significantly stronger than CV. See anything wrong with this picture?

I was also confused by why they were here rather than a hotel. Or, more accurately, I was suspicious as to why they were here rather than a motel. My suspicions were answered when CV said, "Thanks for letting us stay here over the weekend Big C."

I wanted to say, "Oh Hell No." But frankly, I was worried I wouldn't have a base left if Dina found out Visigoth hadn't cleared it with me and there was a domestic squabble.

After their stuff was settled, I introduced them to Judy. It went about as well as expected.

CV: Daaaamn Big C, she's got a nice....
Dina: *punches CV in the kindeys.*
CV: *doubles over in pain*
Dina: *extends hand* Hi hon, I'm Dina.
Judy: *power armored-knee to CV's face* I'm Judy. Nice arm.

I had my misgivings about CV getting married, but I think Dina might actually be able to keep him in line.

It hasn't all been fun times of seriously injuring Cappy, though. Apparently he couldn't think of anyone to invite to his side so he invited, like, all of my supervillainous ex girlfriends (Fallout, Dionaea, both Lock and Load, and Icicle). And my brother and sister. And Jack Knife and Mechanor, who I don't really have a problem with, but they round out the list.

Of course, I punched him for inviting my exes. And then I told Judy. And then she punched him, with her June Bug armor on.

Judy's excited about meeting my family. They probably won't show, though. I've gotten confirmation Eliza's alive, but she's locked up in St. Toluca's. And C. J. 's probably in some backwater third world country, either getting stoned out of his gourd or razing it to the ground. Or both. If he isn't dead.

The wedding's tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's not going to go well. But at least I'll probably get to see CV get beaten to a pulp some more. That ought to be fun.

What Happened With Nuke, Anyway?

Quizzer fought Nuke. The first time, Nuke kinda kicked his ass and nearly destroyed downtown in the process.

The second time, Quizzer broke Nuke's containment suit and tossed him into the lake. And a being made of fire that has been flooded is not a happy one.

After Nuke pulled himself together, he and Quizzer fought a third time. Only this time, he used me as bait.

I'm not entirely sure how he got me to agree to this. I so regret giving him my cell phone number. Anyway, Nuke went straight for me and threw large amounts of atomic flame at me, screaming something about the "spawn of evil". It was like being Godzilla's breath mint while Godzilla's also eating a street preacher.

Of course, all that really did was make my eyes glow brighter and my limbs a little stiff. While he was distracted, Quizzer and the Brannigan folks trapped him in an energy-based containment cell, which was then shipped off to St. Toluca's Home for the Criminally Insane and Superpowered, cursing us all the the while and promising revenge.

So, that'll be fun. I so don't have time to worry about that, though.

Because it became August Ninth without me noticing. Captain Visigoth is sleeping on my couch with Dina Might on his oversized chest. The wedding is Sunday evening.

More on that when I stop tearing my hair out from stress.

Good News, Bad News, Wierd News

1-- The new power source is awesome. I get to rebuild all my devices and add EVEN MORE weapons. How awesome is that? Even more, more powerful weapons, that is. And what's even better is, unlike a fusion cell, it won't detonate into a tiny supernova if destabilized. Of course, Brannigan's design is somewhat lacking, but with Judy and I working together, I'm confident in my ability to spread at least 90% more carnage than before. Mwahahaha. This is the good news.

2-- The bad news. When we got home from our heist, I found a note on our kitchen table. It's from Death's Head. Yeah, the head of intelligence for Operation Mayhem and big league superhero Knight Watch's arch nemesis. He's invited Judy and I out to dinner. This would be good news, except DH is just as likely to invite us to Op. Mayhem as he is to poison us for interferring in Op. Mayhem's plot to frame me a couple weeks ago. Well, if I don't post late tonight, you'll know why.

3-- And now, the wierd news. Mechanor sent me a cake. It's pretty good. Not too exciting, but pretty good. God, what is with him giving me food? He probably wants a team-up or something. But, why is he giving me food? Who can tell what's going on in that mechanical brain of his?

That's it for now. Except for the realization that Dina Might's family's probably going to be at the wedding. And for those of you who weren't aware, her mother's a frost giant.

I hate Captain Visigoth.