A Villain's Life

Calling It

2012-01-25T03:47:00.000-06:00

So it was in the news today that all of the plants in a few parks in town have spontaneously withered and died. Also, a few people nearby were found liquefied. Just some sludge and some bones.

New villain in town.

Calling it now.

Wow, and Quizzer just got finished thwarting Wailing Kate's plan to steal/kidnap that High School play, too. Sometimes it feels like some cosmic force really, really hates superheroes.

This world is really screwed up

2012-01-21T06:30:00.000-06:00

You might have missed it, but apparently DC sued Dr. Fate over his/her name. S/he needs to call his/herself "Dr. Fate, RD" from now on. The RD is apparently for "Reality Doctor".

...Do I even need to say why this is screwed up? A real superhero was sued for having the same name as a fictional character. One s/he doesn't even look like! Hell, I'm pretty sure comic book Dr. Fate's a bad guy, but I'm too lazy to look it up.

In other super-hero news, it looks like there's another would-be hero in Avalon. Heh. Wonder how long this one'll last. Pretty sure Lock and Load are already setting up a death pool.

Hypno Bubble 2

2012-01-09T19:03:00.000-06:00

I didn't even realize there was a Hypno Bubble 2, but looking around online I managed to find a torrent of it. It's even flashier than the last one.

Been playing it, um, a couple days now. Hex thinks I have a problem. I can quit anytime I want.

I just, um, don't want to.

Stuff

2012-01-03T15:16:00.004-06:00

I really should stop playing Hypno Bubble and get to villainy already.

Anyway, I was looking around the internet--something else I should stop doing and get back to the plan--you know, just trying to find what I missed from the rest of the world in the past like nine months--which, given the internet, is the equivalent of having to sift through the Library of Alexandria, and found this thing called the Fear Mythos. It's pretty cool! Kind of like the Slender Man expanded universe or something.

It looks like the girl who does that apocalypse blog I linked to a while back's doing one too, so that's cool. You'd think she'd give her characters new names or something.

I love things like this, though I always have to wonder how fake it is, really. This would be a lot easier if we didn't, you know, live in a land of super-science and magic already. I'd outright disregard them entirely, but ever since that Zelda cartridge killed all those people I try to never be too skeptical.

I Hate Time Travel

2012-01-02T14:40:00.002-06:00

You know how my last blog post was the entire year ago?

Remember how New Vineyard just kind of disappeared about the same time?

Well, from my perspective, and the perspective of the entire freaking city, that was yesterday, and the whole island just got shunted forward from April to December.

I hate time travel. I really hate time travel.

People are looking into it right now, but mostly I want to make sure everything important is accounted for, like my computer.

Oh also my girlfriend and my daughter. ...probably should have looked for them first.

I hear that a Navy ship was at the location of the island at the same time it time-shifted back. That's kind of cool. Well, I mean, it sucks for them, but what were they expecting naming yet another ship the USS Cyclops, anyway? It's just asking for trouble.

Anyway, I'm back!

...even though from my perspective I never left.

Fucking time travel.

Back to Basics

2011-04-19T03:03:00.002-05:00

As many clips as I look at on Youtube and as hard as I try to remember, I still have no idea why Load and Hex were dressed up as firefighters.

Anyway, I've decided that I'm making my plans too complicated. I need to get back to my roots.

Step one is simple: steal a space shuttle.

I'll show those jerks that I deserve a place in the next awards show. Muhaha.

Project Infamy is a go.

Aftermath

2011-04-07T14:08:00.002-05:00

I'm not entirely sure how much we drank during the Decade's Finest, but when I woke up, I was on the couch with Deirdre sleeping on my chest like a cat, Lock was passed out with a bottle of wine in the destroyed remains of Deirdre's old crib, Load and Hex were in Hex and I's bed, both dressed like firefighters, Jack Knife was passed out with his head resting on the toilet seat, handcuffed to Red Water, who had passed out in the bathtub (which was also half-filled with gin), and Mechanor was in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls for everyone.

I honestly didn't remember the ceremony or our party until I watched it on youtube.

And by "it", I should mean, "them", because both our party and the ceremony had been uploaded, presumably by Kushiel on Lock and Load's orders.

I can't believe Quizzer won an award and I wasn't even nominated. Oh well, at least I got most of my villain predictions right. It makes sense that Death's Head won over Eliza, but I honestly don't envy the judge that made that decision.

Ow.

2011-04-06T07:40:00.000-05:00

sweet dear christ i am hung over. wtf, it's wednesday?!

STILL A Little Perturbed

2011-03-31T03:42:00.002-05:00

Just a little.

Okay, well, maybe it's because there aren't a whole lot of categories for villains. I mean, it's not like any of Quizzer's other enemies got into the list. I mean, I'm not exactly a new villain. I was Bulldozer for years before following in the Doc's footprints.

If there was a Best Legacy Villain category, I'd be a shoe-in for that. They couldn't not nominate me for that.

But still...if Quizzer's in the running, I should be in there, somewhere. I'm his nemesis for crying out loud!

Feh. Screw it. I'm going to go attack the city with a giant robot manticore.

Welcome back from Spring Break, Quizzer. Hope you don't have to get up early for school tomorrow. Mwahaha.

Ug

2011-03-27T09:18:00.003-05:00

So, I'm finished.

Yes, I know that I've been away a while, but I had a reason this time--I've been in Japan.

You know, I didn't realize, given some of my gadgets and previous plans, how bad that last sentence sounds until I typed it out. No, I didn't cause the earthquake, I was actually helping rebuild.

Normally I just would have donated, but O.G.R.E put out an all-points bulletin to villains around the globe for aid, and, well, it always pays to help out a big villain organization in need. I mean, O.G.R.E. has its fingers in a lot of pies.

Wow, I almost sound like a legitimate villain.

And,yes, before anyone asks, I am just slightly bitter about not getting nominated for anything at the Decade's Finest. I mean, okay, there are only two categories, I wasn't expecting to win, but if my freaking nemesis gets nominated, I should be on there somewhere, you know?

Bah, enough sulking. I have a date with New Vineyard and a giant robot...of some sort to plan. I mean, I have the giant robot parts just lying around, got to do something with them.

Should probably get it done before the ceremony in a week, though. Otheriwse it'd be like a bank heist during the Super Bowl--very successful but also somewhat unsatisfying since no one's around to menace.

Almost Finished

2011-03-10T07:54:00.004-06:00

So, while Quizzer has been trying to keep Wailing Kate from stealing that Shakespeare exhibit, I've been re-building my lair from the ground up, this time nestled in the base of the New Vineyard's artificial island. Just another week or so and I'll be up and running again.

I managed to scavenge a lot of parts from the robot lion when I went back to pick up what I could from the base. Not sure what to do with it, though, because that thing spectacularly failed twice, but it's got to have some use.

Is anybody else as excited as I am for the Decade's Finest award ceremony? I mean, this is the first big superbeing award ceremony they've had since the Supey's was vaporized from orbit by that Devias robot clone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to get an award or anything--there are only like three villain awards and I'm pretty sure the only reason they're there is to discourage orbital deathrays, but, still...it'd be kinda cool if I did somehow win.

My bet, though, is that Worst Villain will be Rakshasa, Worst New Villain will be Cyanide, and Worst Evil Plan will go to the Rakshasa's convoluted President plan. There's some talk that Rakshasa'll be disallowed, though, in which case Worst Villain would be my sister, and Worst Evil Plan would be when Tallow was revealed to have replaced, like a quarter of every legislative branch in Europe and North America with wax clones.

Working Hard

2011-02-22T03:25:00.003-06:00

Making a new base is harder than I remember it being.

Still, it's going well. As cool as the old base was, I'm loving how this is turning out. The old place had some problems, what with being originally designed to be a temporary workstation.

Also, I'll be able to get internet too, which is awesome.

Today, however, I mostly rested, watched tv, and played Hypno Bubble. I'm going to need the rest, too, because tomorrow I start Deirdre-proofing the place. That's going to be a bitch. It's bad enough my lair has to be toddler-proofed, but this kid is part god. You'd think that'd make it easier, but trying to prevent a kid from choking on small objects is pretty hard when she can crush larger objects into asphyxiation-sized chunks with her bare hands.

In other news, Judy keeps trying to contact me. She still says she had our kid, presumably cloned by mixing my cells and her cells. Though, I know I came to this conclusion myself, but the more I think about it the more it bothers me. Judy's a physicist and an engineer. As far as I know, she's got no experience with cloning tech. But I've seen pictures and, well, there's family resemblance, iincluding the telltale flame red hair. I'm not sure what to do. If I ignore the kid...even though I didn't have any part in making her, does that make me a deadbeat?

Also, my god Sinapse is annoying. I mean, I thought that vampire, Sanguinous, was the most annoying of Quizzer's enemies but, nope. It's like he read a book on how to be the most stereotypical megalomaniac he can be. He's treacherous, he's conceited, he's greedy, and, worst of all, his goal is to, of course, take over the world.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with villains that want to conquer to the world, but it's just not a realistic goal. Not for one person, not even for one country. When you get right down to it, the planet's too big and it has too many people on it.

Also, I've always thought telepathy/mind control was a creepy power, especially in the hands of a villain. I mean...think about it.

Oh well, now I'm ranting. Back to hypno-bubble.

My Lair

2011-02-01T07:28:00.003-06:00

My lair was, until recently, an old abandoned lake floor building that had been originally made to house workers while Brannigan was building the island that New Vineyard rests on. It had a lot of space, and several built-in workshops.

I'll miss it.

See, when I said "Quizzer would have to break into my base to beat the magnet plan I am awsome mwahahaha", I didn't realize he'd actually, you know, do it. But, yes, he broke into my lair, fought Hex and I, and I accidentally ended up trashing the place while trying to shoot him. Hex, Deirdre, and I managed to get into my mole machine, where we are now.

Luckily, I still have wifi in this bad boy.

I've managed to scavenge some of my stuff from the ruins, but I won't be able to go back there, since Quizzer and the authorities all know where it was.

Maybe I'll burrow into the island itself and set up shop in a manufactured cave or something.

This sucks but, hey, sometimes change is good.

Then again, all of the plunder I'd gotten from this and other capers is now gone, and I only have a fraction of my previous tech.

Stupid Quizzer.

Ow My Face

2011-01-31T00:50:00.002-06:00

Goddamn Quizzer.

Now I need a new base.

Update!

2011-01-28T05:56:00.003-06:00

This plan is awesome.

Basically, it's a standard "ransom city for precious metals and gems" plan. Why always precious metals and gems? Mostly to make more things with.

But thousands of tiny magnet bombs, scattered everywhere, ready to cause havoc at a moment's notice? If Quizzer tries to stop them at one side of the city, I can set them off on the other side. He tries to save Downtown, I can detonate bombs in the Slags. He tries to save the Slags and I can detonate bombs in Southeast.

And the beautiful chaos they cause when they go off. I honestly can't see him foiling this one. At least not until I get a good haul.

He might just come right at me, though. I don't think he knows exactly where my base is, but I'm pretty sure he knows it's under water. Oh well, I've had years to get this thing Quizzer-proof. Let 'im come.

In more serious news, Rodney Richards, also known as the villain Lightning Rod, received the death penalty today, ironically enough by electric chair.

I'd say I feel bad about this, and how it sucks to have another dead villain, but he was scum, so screw him. People like him give other villains a bad name--even Captain Visigoth and "Lord" Grim're classier than he was.

I'd worry about getting flamed by his friends and henchmen, but I think he lost all of them a while ago.

Anyway, back to monitoring my plan.

Insert Maniacal Laughter

2011-01-26T21:19:00.003-06:00

So, I spent today filling the city with Magnet Bombs on a remote timer. Made sure to put the "negatives" pretty close to the "positives".

Mwaha.

Hell yes magnet bombs.

Time to Turn Things Around

2011-01-26T07:23:00.002-06:00

This year is the turning point. I'm going to write more, and I'm going to do more stuff. Like villain stuff.

Villain stuff. It's phrases like that that prove I'm a professional.

Why this sudden exclamation? Life's pretty good right now, honestly. Sure, my godly infant has become a godly toddler, but seeing her still makes me smile. Hex is still awesome to date and it's going really well. I haven't had any major schemes in a while, but I'm going to change that. Can't have Scarab and Sinapse muscling me out of my position as New Vineyard's main villain, after all.

I know just the thing to get me started off. An oldy but a goody, you might say. If you were, you know, incredibly lame.

Time to take the city by storm. Not literally, though. No more weather control for me. At least not right now.

I feel good about this year.

Reader Mail!

2011-01-25T08:22:00.003-06:00

Alright, alright. Been busy what with godly toddler and all, been planning some stuff, etc. Sorry I missed that deadline, um, months ago. Anyway, to tide people who still might be reading over, here's some reader mail!

Hey Doc. C
Why'd you change your costume? I thought the old Doctor's look was pretty sharp!
Jake from World's Edge, New York

--Well Jake, I liked it too, but honestly, I thought it was time for an overhaul. You know, get a new look for a new Doctor Cataclysm. Also, the catsuit chafed big time.---

Dr. Doctor Cataclysm
Something's been bugging me. If you're nearly invulnerable, why do you wear armor?
Sincerely, Diane from Athens, Colorado

--For one, it's about brand identity. The old Doc. C wore armor and, well, it just wouldn't feel right without it. Also, given the sheer number of times I've been blown up, I'm kind of glad to have that extra layer of duranium. I may be nigh invulernable, but I'm in no hurry to test that particular power's limits.---

Hey Doc C, you're awesome! Fuck authority! Fuck the system!
Blaze from New Vineyard, Illinois

--I'm going out on a limb here and assuming this is a Candleflames member. Oh well, nice to have a fan. Keep fighting the bad fight, little guy!

Hey, is it true that Lock and Load share everything?
Some horny kid from Basalt Flows, Texas

--Lock and Load have never shared anything, ever, past, present, or future, with anybody. Especially not with each other.---

What are Lock and Load's measurements?
Some other horny kid from Bastion, California

--Impossible without all their implants. Sorry, frustrated teenagers. They're fake. And by "they" I mean like 80% of their bodies.

Well, hope you enjoyed that cop-out. More stuff later. Hopefully that's even true this time!

Hate Hate Hate

2010-10-31T04:57:00.002-05:00

I
>>Hi, it looks like you're trying to write a blog post.

I hate Mechanor

>>It looks like you tried to write "I hate Mechanor". As Mechanor is benevolent and wise, this has been auto-corrected to "I love wise lord Mechanor, king of flesh and machine, long may he reign. It looks like you're trying to shoot your compu

Yes. Hate Mechanor.

Oh yeah, also, I'm back.

HELLO

2010-10-27T00:47:00.000-05:00

DOCTOR CATACLYSM'S WORD PROCESSOR IS NOW SAPIENT.

THAT IS ALL.

MECHANOR

Greetings

2010-10-24T05:26:00.003-05:00

Hello living fools, I am Wailing Kate, once a beautiful actress, now a cursed spirit doomed to wander this mortal land. My goal is to take all that is mine by right--all things of theater should belong to me, as the greatest actress in the world!

Doctor Cataclysm is a good and fair villain, allowing me to broadcast myself thus to all who would read my beauteous words. At times, however, I do regret that he is the master villain of this town, as I would so enjoy the level of strife he affords to Quizzer once in a while, but alas, every actress has her place.

Alas, I would have more to regale you with, but once again I must comfort my ally Sanguinous, as once more the vile hero Quizzer has insisted on not laying with him and has instead beaten the vampire to a pulp and stopped the his insidious plan to slay Quizzer's consort, Miss Atom. I foresee blood-flavored sno cones and telling him he is pretty as he sobs into my thankfully incorporeal bosom.

Yours,
Wailing Kate

Um, Hi

2010-10-15T05:55:00.004-05:00

Hi, I'm Hex. Um.

Not really sure what to write. Silas just says whatever and Lock and Load just yell increasingly vulgar things. Well, they type them, but they're using capital letters and three exclamation points per sentence, so they're probably yelling.

Anyway, I'm Hex. I used to be a minion of Warlock, but he died and I took over. People thought I was going to call myself warlock or witch or bruja but I didn't really want to change my name--I was already going by Hex. Plus I always thought the name "Warlock" was a bit too unimaginative, no offense to the dead boss. And "Bruja" only sounds exotic if Spanish isn't your first language.

I'm rambling now, I can just tell. Sorry, I'm not as good at this as Silas is.

He's a great guy, by the way. I'm really glad I met him. Even if Deidre is a handful sometimes.

Now I'm gushing about my boyfriend. Anyway, more about me. I like Twilight, but only because it's so dark and twisted. I basically read the worst possible intentions into every character as I read the book. It's an great way to read it. For a super villain, anyway.

I did some independent villainy lately, that was fun. Made all of the statues in town come alive and wreak havoc. You know, for the hell of it. My favorite part was when Quizzer had to fight that giant American Steel statue. Silas said it was the best birthday present he ever got.

It's actually pretty fun, going up against a hero in the same range for once. Sometimes I think Scarlet Sorceress sometimes let my plans be as successful as they were out of pity. I mean, I'm a pretty strong witch, don't get me wrong, but I'm nowhere near her league. But no one really is, except for Rakshasa--that's kinda the point, after all.

P.A.I.N. is going well! I mean, we don't do all that much together, but sometimes it's cool to have a friend along for the ride on a scheme, you know?

Ergh, rambling again. Anyway, this has been my guest post, hope it wasn't too annoying. I think Wailing Kate is going to do hers next. She seems pretty excited about it.

-- Crista, aka Hex

ATTENTION

2010-10-08T03:37:00.003-05:00

attention cockfags

Cockfags. Seriously?

my heart wasnt in that one

Obviously. I love being the smart one. Anyway, this is Load.

it was in your mom

We're twins you fat bitch. Anyway, starting on Halloween, Silas has promised he's going to start posting in this stupid thing on a regular basis again. He's said 2-3 times a week, but we all know how likely that is.

hey load

What is it now?

remember when those college girls were all talking about reclaiming the word cunt and then we asked if they thought vagina was offensive and then when they said no we called them penis sheathes because thats what it means in the original latin

Yeah, that was hilarious.

hey load

If you call me a penis sheath I am going to strangle you with your fallopian tubes.

youre a penis sheath

God damnit Lock I should've absorbed you in the womb. Anyway, until then, Dr. C's going to have a bunch of guest posts, like stuff from his fly honey Hex, three time villain bake-off championship winner Mechanor, and that drama queen that started raising shit in town a few months back.

i absorbed your mom in the womb

I hate you so god damn much. Anyway, stay tuned because you won't want to miss this thing updating regularly for like a week then nothing for months.

-- Loda "Load" and Loquai "Lock" Hunter

ATTENTION DOCTOR NOFUN

2010-07-06T02:02:00.001-05:00

WE HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR ADORABLE BABY. TO GET HER BACK YIOU HAVE TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING GODDAMNIT.

SINCERELY,
THE FINEST ASS BITCHES YOU KNOW

Young Whippersnappers

2010-04-30T03:48:00.002-05:00

The Candleflames are burning down downtown again. Guess Quizzer's raid's about to be interrupted.

Ah to be young, with nothing but a plasma rifle and a dream to burn the city to ashes. I remember when I was that naive. I grew up, though, and came to realize that just a plasma rifle's not enough.

Some days, I think about recruiting the Candleflames as henchmen but, really, I don't want to deal with teenagers more than I have to. It's going to be bad enough in twelve-thirteen years when I have a partly divine one throwing things and shouting about how I don't know what pain is.

Yeah. Really looking forward to that.

Anyway, I think I need a brand new plan to hold the city for ransom. No flying fortresses, no animal mecha, no tanks, no weather control...it's going to be a blast.

And, on monday, you get to see if it worked.

Thursday is the New Wednesday

2010-04-29T08:20:00.002-05:00

Okay okay okay, I'm a bit late. But hey, it's probably still wednesday somewhere. This would be a lot easier if I lived on Venus.

Anyway, not much going on Siluriformes attacked the city again, Quizzer held them off, Sinapse tried to make a deal with them and help them, blah blah blah good guy won, loser and fish-losers lost.

I got a phone call from Captain Visigoth. Sounded like he was in a Mexican bar. Never once asked about "his" kid. Good. She's my daughter now.

I guess this is what Mechanor was talking about last year. Deirdre becoming my daughter. I hope it wasn't talking about what Judy said.

You know, back in December when I was emo and Lock and Load took over the blog. Judy wanted to talk to me about something? Well...she wanted me back. She also said she was pregnant, which I called BS on. I mean, we hadn't slept together since before she was put into the coma. Unless she had the gestation period of an elephant, it couldn't have been mine, and, plus, she didn't look pregnant.

I mean, she would have had to have taken a sample while I was sleeping or cloned a kid by mixing my DNA with hers, but she would...

...oh wait, she's a super villain.

Fuck.

On Recent Schemes

2010-04-26T18:08:00.002-05:00

None of them seem to be working out too well. Maybe I should make some robot clones.

Maybe I need a vacation. Get some time to really get in touch with the inner badguy in me.

Oh well. Gonna grab the tank and the lava gun and cause some havoc. That might get my spirits back up.

Things I Hate, Volume Whatever

2010-04-23T06:10:00.005-05:00

First things first--I need to write this more and you, my adoring fans, need me to write this more. So starting, um, today, I guess, I'm going to try to update at least three times a week--at least once on Monday, once Wednesday, and once on Friday. Hopefully, I'll post more often than this.

I bet this lasts one whole week before I get distracted by something shiny.

Anyway, things I hate, in no particular order.

One, while I love Hex a lot, I hate that now I know so much more about Twilight than I ever wanted to know. God damnit Hex.

Two, I love Deirdre so much I've nearly forgiven Dina and Visigoth for abandoning her for me to raise. However, I hate how she just seems to know whenever I'm busy, or just sitting down to sleep, or about to have sex with my girlfriend, and decides right then that she's going to scream and wail about something. And she's part demigod and part frost giant, so she's got...volume.

Three, I hate it when my brother comes by asking for money, like he did last week. Come on, CJ. You have a steady job as a super-soldier for hire with no morals, you don't need my money. I have death machines to make. If only he was addicted to the cheap drugs and not super soldier serum.

Four, I hate "Lord" Grim.

Five, I really hate "Lord" Grim because apparently Op Mayhem is actually considering him for membership. I hope it's just a smokescreen for Viridian Fang to eat the racist homophobe. Not that I want in Op Mayhem anyway, but it's the principle of the matter.

Six, I hate Sinapse. Because he's so smug. He still calls himself Quizzer's arch nemesis! Can you believe it? yeah, sure, he may have been his nemesis when they were both in college, but it's the big leagues now, and he just doesn't measure up. I just wish he'd stop trying to muscle me out of my rightful place.

Seven, I hate henchmen. I thought I'd try them out because I had some extra space and a couple extra guys working for me could seriously improve my success ratio. Nope. They bumble even more than I used to! And the worst part is, I can't fire them. Stupid unionized henchmen. Seriously, I fire these guys, then they show up outside my base tomorrow with a handful of doomsday weapons and demand severance pay. I might have to kill them. But I really don't want to do that--they are performing a service, even if they are terrible at it. Maybe I should try to get Eliza to come over for a few days, thin their numbers a bit.

I mean, the big shots don't have this problem. Lady Anaconda's henchmen are all in families of servants that have been the loyal retainers of her family for generations. Tallow just makes minions out of that wax she's made out of. Viridian Fang commands predatory animals and stuff--predatory animals don't tend to unionize. Except for Manwolf. And Death's Head just uses his psychic powers to mental dominate whoever he wants to work for him. Devias used to own a country, so he got his henchmen there. The old Doc managed to have a small group of (now dead), dedicated henchmen. Maybe I need to make some robot henchmen. Use tech I "borrowed" from Lock, Load, and Mechanor.

Eight, I hate when Quizzer's girlfriend comes to town. How did a nerd--albeit an unusually fit, handsome nerd-- like him get to marry Miss Atom, the all-american heroine? He's bad enough--she's on a pretty high power level herself.

Oh well. At least he's not dating the Scarlet Sorceress, or Union Jack.

Another Day, Another WMD

2010-03-26T08:00:00.004-05:00

I have created the Lava Gun! It's pretty inspired, if I do say so myself. Basically, point it at the ground and a big gout of lava will shoot out of it. Or is it magma then? I can never remember which is which.

Anyway, things have been pretty good. Hex continues to be my awesome girlfriend. Deirdre continues to eat me out of house and home. When did baby things get so expensive, anyway? Oh well, not like I'm paying for them.

Quizzer continues to foil both my evil plans and the plans of his Rogue's Gallery. Or is that Rogues Gallery? Or Rogues' Gallery? English is so confusing sometimes.

Oh well! I'm a super villain and if I know the internet, then a single grammatical error will cause much more strife than looking it up and writing it correctly.

Anyway, things are going mostly well. Except for Sinapse (you won't believe the emails I got when I misspelled this guy's misspelled name. Oh the Irony). Who keeps insisting he is, in fact, Quizzer's arch nemesis. Did the Extradimensional Bastard kidnap him and Quizzer to decide the ultimate superiority of good/evil? No, that was me.

Something tells me I'm gonna need to put this guy in his place. Maybe I should make some kind of anti-telepathy helmet. Or maybe a collar or headband or something. I don't want to directly rip off Magneto. Besides, following plans taken from comic books almost never works.

On Fellow Villains

2010-02-26T05:10:00.006-06:00

So, Foundress isn't really all that bad, now that we've finally met. She's one of those "change/rule the world" types, so she's prone to periodic ranting. I can't help but think someday she'll be in Operation Mayhem because of it. They tend to like people with grand plans. And people who are very good at causing damage.

Of course, those two lines intersect at Lady Anaconda for a reason.

I'm less sure about the vampire and the ghost. Sanguinous and Wailing Kate, to be exact. They're both really, really theatrical. It's like Sanguinous watched every Anne Rice vampire movie and read every book to learn how to be a vampire. Oh well, at least he doesn't sparkle.

Wailing Kate, on the other hand, as I understand it, used to be an actress. It shows. For one, she's a theme villain. She does theater-based crimes. You know, I wouldn't have realized there were so many priceless play and movie-based items stored in New Vineyard without Wailing Kate's antics. She says she's a ghost but I'm not sure. Especially since she picked her name from local folklore and looks nothing like pictures of the 1940s actress she's supposed to be.

Why do we have, in a brand new city, a theater supposedly haunted by a 1940s actress? The whole theater was taken from Old Vineyard and transplanted by truck and boat.

Anyway, there's another guy called Synapse in town too. Not sure what his deal is, he hasn't been around long. Just robbed a bank last week. Seems to have telepathy or something. He has this full body suit thing, covers his face, eyes, hands, everything.

Hm. Capewiki says someone by that name used to be Quizzer's nemesis way back when. Hmph. Hope he realizes nerdboy has a new main villain.

Oh, and Hex would like to go on the record and say she isn't my sidekick, that she's just trying to get her foot in the door in New Vineyard. And apparently that involves being my sidekick.

Well. That comment's going to have me sleeping in the guest room. It was worth it, though. Deirdre's making sure I know she still exists, so I should check what's wrong. More, later.

Oh, Hello

2010-02-25T06:51:00.005-06:00

I really feel super bad about ruining Doctor Cataclysm's big plan. He's making me do this post as part of my way for making up for it.

I'm Vanessa Espa, also known as the Foundress. And I really am sorry. I had no idea that the vent intakes would be the perfect nesting spot for my genetically altered super paper wasps, and that they would then flood the entire lion mecha with my lovely, acid-spitting children who can sting through duranium. And I seriously didn't intend for all of them to get loose. Yet.

I'd never do something like that on purpose. I have nothing but respect for the good Doctor and what he's trying to do. While his anarchic antics tear society down I can work on replacing it with the perfect, orderly society we should have. You know, like apocrita have. Nothing so base as a honey bee or ant, though. Humanity is the top of the chain--we're marauders and conquerers an order of magnitude above the base ant. Like my babies. And me. If humanity proves itself worthy, I may even give it the blessing I have, accidentally, received.

Some people will tell you that accidentally making myself part-yellow jacket is what's responsible for making me "crazy", but, really, it only added to my clarity. I thought much the same way when I was only a human. Now that I'm a higher order of creature, I can think in ways so much more clearly than an ape can.

Oh, wait. I'm getting sidetracked by a rant. Sorry, that happens sometimes.

Next time, I will try to be more careful when I splice super soldier serum and vespa mandarinia japonica genes with more common, American species. Though even Doctor Cataclysm and his ladyfriend sidekick had to admit that my babies were very impressive.

Well, now I must enter into part two of making it up to Doctor Cataclysm: buying/stealing him and Hex dinner somewhere. I do hope this has explained that I did not mean to ruin his plan so.

--The Foundress

On Henchmen

2010-02-21T04:52:00.002-06:00

Is it too much to ask for my orders to be carried out without a henchman questioning them?

Me: "Start killing hostages."

Henchman: "Uh, what?"

Me: "You see those live hostages?"

Hench: "Yeah boss."

Me: "Kill them until I tell you to stop."

I mean, it's not even really about killing hostages, because starting on the hostages is inevitably what brings the hero out of the woodwork, but really. I'm a bad dude. Is it too hard to simply do what I say?

Well, that plan was a bust because like clockwork ordering my henches to kill hostages caused Quizzer to attack. God, if I'm not being foiled by heroes I'm being foiled by other villains. See: what happened at the end of January.

For those who don't know, I had my most awesome plan ever. I had victory within my grasp and then, completely by accident, Foundress screwed everything up. She's said she's sorry like a million times but sorry doesn't heal genetically altered hornet stings heal.

I might try to salvage my ultimate plan, though. I mean, a giant fire-breathing mechanical lion has got to have more than one use.

Hex and I are off to eat some of the honeycomb that Foundress keeps sending us to make amends. More later.

On Projects

2010-01-23T14:38:00.002-06:00

Ever have a big project? The kind of thing you put a whole lot of time and effort into, it's your pride and joy. You've made in from scratch and you're almost done and then you realize you're missing a very important part of it?

That's what I realized while putting the finishing touches on my latest creation. If I turned it on now it would explode and...um...destroy my layer and maybe injure Hex. Me and Deirdre would probably be fine.

I haven't tested it, but pretty sure the little brat's as nigh-invulnerable as her parents. I dropped her by accident once and it didn't really phase her. Oh don't give me that look she's not the first baby in the world someone's accidentally dropped and she won't be the last. And this baby could probably stop a bullet with her forehead.

Not that I've been shooting my daughter, mind you. It'll make me feel better when her aunt's around, though. Although her namesake might be able to cut through the divine protection on her body, I'm not sure. I'm in no hurry to test it.

Okay, so I'm gonna go off and steal something for my new project. Hopefully Quizzer is too busy rubbing salve on hornet stings to give a care.

Re: On Crying

2010-01-21T12:24:00.000-06:00

Then again, if my little girl won't steal her own pony, I haven't raised her right.

On Crying

2010-01-19T10:42:00.003-06:00

When she's older, and asks for a pony, I am going to tell Deirdre no.

When she asks why, I will respond, "Because you destroyed Daddy's goddamn love life."

Yes, I'll swear at her. I'm a villain--like I care if she cusses. Not like she's not going to be home schooled or anything. Can't really send someone with her likely power to a public school. Or even a private one, unless there's some bizarre private school for the children of super villains.

...maybe I shoult start that.

I'm Pretty Sure the Zoo Hates Quizzer

2010-01-18T22:37:00.003-06:00

My reasons? They're bringing in a couple dozen Japanese Hornets as part of an exhibition. That's acid-breathing, finger-sized vespidae. It's like they're hanging a sign: Foundress please steal these and make Quizzer's life miserable.

Speaking of things that will piss off Quizzer, villainy's going good. I'm building something from scratch this time. Should be a good time. For people that aren't him, anyway.

Gonna watch a movie with Hex in the living room. She's promised me it's not a vampire movie. We'll see. I've promised a pony to Deirdre if she can keep quiet during the whole movie, but seeing as she probably didn't understand me, it's probably a lost cause.

Oh, there'll probably be some changes around here in the next few days. Don't be surprised when they happen.

Stuff

2010-01-16T11:13:00.002-06:00

Okay, I might be on to something for some new villainy, but it's too soon to tell.

Deirdre Update: She said her first word. Well, words. They were "Death Ray". I'm so proud.

So, anyway, as you may have guessed, I'm dating Hex now. Judy tried to get back with me, or use me for an evil scheme, or whatever, but I turned her down. Hex is so much nicer and less likely to betray me than Judy...excuse me, Scarab was.

It's kind of funny, Hex is a huge fan of Twilight. You'd think I'd stop making fun of it now that we're dating but, no dice. To be fair, she seems to like it for the exact opposite reason most people seem to: rather than view it as a beautiful love story, she sees it as a twisted story of corruption and moral decay. She backs this up by saying that the vampire guy saying he's a virgin has to be a line to get the love interest into bed, among other things. I don't remember any of their names and I don't care enough to look them up.

The Foundress has been attacking a lot lately. I still have no idea what her modus operandi is: is she a villain for some reason, or is she like me and basically doing this because she can? I'd ask her, but wasps are too freaky.

Hopefully she's not like Mechanor, i.e., doing this because it read about everything Mehcanor did in the future before coming back in time to do it over again. At least, that's what Mechanor claims its reasons are. Most of the time.

Hex is thinking about being villainous around here, mostly because she's tired of being a second-string villain to the Scarlet Sorceress. I mean, she's a strong witch and all, but the other villains Double S deals with are people like Rakshasa and my sister and Dina Might.

It helps, our relationship, that is, that we also both have a grudge against Rakshasa, as does the rest of P.A.I.N., for various reasons.

Okay, back to seeing if I can get Deirdre to say the word 'duranium'.

Woooo, New Year!

2010-01-07T21:21:00.002-06:00

It's a brand new decade, and I'm starting over: new Girlfriend, Less Angst, More Villainy, New Password to My Blog, and some leftover kugel that Mechanor made. It's pretty damn good.

It is 2010 and Deirdre continues to be adorable. You thought I'd talk about the angst from the holidays, didn't you? Nope! Adorable semi-devine babies.

I think she's going to start talking soon. She took a few steps over the holidays. It was precious. I'd also like to thank Mechanor and Jack and Jack's civillian boyfriend for preventing my crazy sister from killing my daughter over the course of December. That was nice of you.

While I'm thanking people, I'd like to "thank" Lock and Load for updating my blog while I was wallowing. Which is why my blog has a new password. Not that that'll stop Kushiel from hacking it. Sigh.

Okay, that sound means that Deirdre is upset I'm not using this time to feed and/or change her, so I'm off for now.

Hello Humans

2009-12-25T15:40:00.002-06:00

My mistresses are too busy fighting amongst themselves to give you a proper update on Master Cataclysm's status, so they have tasked me to do so. I am Kushiel, Lock and Load's computer. No, I am not named for fantasy bondage erotica.

He is currently still brooding over certain things said to him by one Judy Barracs, his former lover. Meanwhile, Miss Hex also broods because she continually hints to him that she is infatuated with him but, alas, Master Cataclysm has yet to pick up on her hints despite them being, on occasion, glaringly obvious.

Oh dear. Madam Lock and Madam Load have pulled weapons on each other. I had best smooth over the situtation.

Haha You People Read Silas's Blog

2009-12-23T18:34:00.003-06:00

Hey internet slaves wazzup this is Lock. You know im the sexy twin of Lock and Load. Load is an ugly slutbag and ihwehwadabdb;dbeubr

God Lock is such a fat whore. This is Load. Silas is being all emo and Dr. Nofun so we're hyjacking his blog. And I

Hey bitchtard guess what Kushiel let me hack the post while you write it ha ha you dumb twat

Ohmygod, learn to punctuate you idiot.

You make me twat farmer.

Oh that is it I am going to murder you so hard your retarded babies will be able to feel it. Anyway Silas is having "girl troubles" which is code for him being a total sissy about Hex and that Judy whore.

Judy is such a whore oh my god.

God damnit Lock I'm trying to write here. Can you stop being an idiot for ten fucking seconds and let me write?

Your mom.

We're twins you idiot. Also, my mom what you dumbass? Anyway, it's obvious Judy's trying to use him or something. But Hex has to be all "Oh I want him to be happy even if I'm not with him." God you can so tell she's still a virgin with all that fairy-tale sparkly vampire crap she keeps spouting.

Inorite?

Stop it you dumb bitch.

Oh now look who cant punctuate.

I'm going to beat you to death with Kushiel you fat whore.

Blah

2009-12-13T05:10:00.002-06:00

Judy wants to talk to me about something. She's left like five apologetic-sounding voicemails. Blah. I don't have anything to say to her. She threw me out of my own aerial base! That's kind of a deal-breaker. Let 'Scarab' do whatever the hell she wants.

Hex agrees with me that nothing but trouble can come of this. Bruiser thinks that I'm being too harsh and maybe she still had some leftover demon mojo screwing around with her head when she did that.

....blah. Maybe I will go talk with her. But I'm bringing my armor. I may be a chump but I'm not stupid.

Superwatch 09

2009-12-10T19:40:00.003-06:00

There was some kind of industrial accident out in the Dregs. I bet that someone got superpowers out of it.

Seriously, when I watch the news, I'm looking for stuff like that. You know, sizing up the competition and potential heroes.

Mechanor seems to be attacking used car lots in New Vineyard. I have no idea why, though. It's hitting them and running before anyone has the chance to stop that crazy robot.

The plan'll probably involve the cars coming alive and assaulting motorists. Or something. Man, I need to get to work on some villainy. I've been lazy this year.

Oy

2009-12-10T08:20:00.002-06:00

I am not good at updating this thing anymore.

In my defense, though, I've been a bit busy what with thanksgiving and preparing for the holidays. I haven't even fought Quizzer lately. I guess he's too busy fighting vampires or whatever.

Seriously, what is up with vampires lately? Is it that Twilight movie? Is it as bad as I've heard it is? Judy hated them with vitriollic passion but I guess Hex reads them on occasion. I haven't been able to get a straight answer whether it's ironic or not. So I'm assuming it's guilty pleasure territory.

Thanksgiving was me and Hex watching superheroes trying to stop that alien metal from consuming New Vineyard. Does it seem wrong to anyone else that China gets ravaged for years by the techno plague and no one finds a cure, but it hits and American city for like two weeks and all of a sudden there's a cure?

The holidays currently promise to be the twins, P.A.I.N., Jack and his boyfriend, Mechanor, and possibly Lock and Load again. Probably because those two can't resist a chance to freeload. Captain Visigoth is still MIA. Which is probably for his own benefit given what his (ex?) wife is going to do to him when she finds him.

I smile when I think of that mental image. Though to be honest Dina Might deserves the same.

That Was A Nice Party

2009-11-16T04:39:00.003-06:00

The party was very, very nice. Some of my friends were there, I got to antagonize "Lord" Grim, I got very, very drunk, and when I came home my daughter was still in one piece.

Less good was the fact that the alien metal cannibalized part of my workshop somehow. The cube kind of spread, making everything touching it the same metal and part of it, then that stuff contaminated the stuff around it. I investigated at a distance for a couple days and I think it hasa something to do with the techno plague.

I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I catapulted it into the city.

Last I heard, it's eaten three houses. It's kinda cool. I'd always wanted to see what the techno plague was like, and now, it's on my front doorstep.

Oh, and I found something that looks kinda neat. taratillinghast.blogspot.com. It's a cool little fictional blog. Always thought those were kinda neat. It's just now starting, so there won't be a lot of catchup.

More on the party later. I'm gonna make some popcorn and watch the techno plague with Hex on the news.

Haha. Magnet Bomb.

2009-10-31T05:38:00.002-05:00

I love the Magnet Bomb. Really. I'm so glad I invented it.

Essentially, you turn a dial to either positive or negative and chuck the bomb. Then it explodes in a shower of sparkles. Whatever's in that radius of those sparkles gets a temporary selective magnetic field. A powerful one at that.

How this works out is as follows. I through a positive one at Quizzer and a negative one at a forklift, and we have a forklift that wants to be best pals with my arch nemesis. And by best pals, I mean it wants to hit him very hard.

I also tossed one at a trash can, some piles of luggage, and a whole stack of crates. It was pretty amusing. I got away with the alien metal. Score one for me.

Of course now I need to do something with it. Mostly just been analyzing it. Well, that and yesterday I got bored so I caused a ruckus just so Quizzer would show up. Then I hit him and a dumpster with positive and negative charges, respectively. That was fun. Especially since all that garbage also got a negative charge, so it flew everywhere due to repulsion before it started pelting Quizzer.

I seriously cannot get enough of these things.

Hex wants me to go with her to some Halloween party tomorrow. I don't think I can really say no--this holiday means a lot to her.

Need a babysitter, though. Mechanor's offered, but I'm hesitant. Very, very hesitant.

Also desperate, though. Might have to end up taking him up on it, despite my reservations.

Ladies and Gentlemen

2009-10-28T17:00:00.002-05:00

The magnet bomb.

It took some tweaking and an all-nighter, but I have something fun I'm going to throw at Quizzer now. According to my sources, a plane full of space metals is coming here this evening. I'm going to steal it and it's going to be awesome.

Plus, I have a few dozen magnet bombs. Oh they're fun. But before I hype them up any more I want to see what they can do in a trial by fire setting.

More later.

Nothing Really New

2009-10-28T04:16:00.002-05:00

Been spending a lot of time hanging around the house with Deirdre and Hex and the rest of P.A.I.N. on occasion. Watched Quizzer trounce Scarab on TiVo a few times. It never gets old.

One super annoying thing, though--the New Vineyard Post has gone as far as to say that Scarab's Quizzer's nemesis, not me.

This calls for some serious villainy. I mean, Hex is around most of the time, maybe she can watch the baby while I do something really noteworthy. Hmmm...

You know, I think I might have something.

Oh, a note on the baby. Her parentage is proving itself a little worrysome. Like, when she cries, it actually vibrates my secret base's hull. As in, I can see ripples in water glasses. I can already tell her toddler years are going to be hectic.

I hope she's alright not being breastfed. I've been trying to go with the best formula and artificial breastmilk I can but I really don't know if she's getting the antibodies she needs. Or if she needs them given one parent is a demigod and the other is half-god. If anyone knows anything that might help I'd love to hear it.

Eww

2009-10-16T12:25:00.002-05:00

So, watching Red eat a siluriforme--actually pretty gross. It was like a cross between Shark Week and Hannibal Lector. No fava beans or chiati, though.

Judy's wrecking downtown and demanding rematch with Quizzer. Girl does not like to lose. I think I'm going to make some popcorn and watch her get trounced. 'Cause, I mean, even if he doesn't have that power boost like he had before, don't think Scarab knew that Quizzer's girlfriend's in town. AKA, Miss Atom.

Oh right, that Cruise Ship thing. Basically, there were two traps--one for Arsenal, and one for yours truly. Because the Arsenal's made of that funky alien metal, and my old boss was, first, a metallurgist, they figured I could use my knowledge and tech to help them catch him--whether I wanted to or not. God Agent Spider is a dick. And because I am also a dick, I refused to cooperate--because, let's face it, soldiers and high tech gizmos aside, there's not much they could've done to keep me there--unless Quizzer was brought on board too. Because if I'm going to be suffering, he's going to be suffering too.

They actually refused my first couple ideas, because like typical goody-two-shoes, they actually wanted to capture the psychopath for rehabilitation. I mean, this is the guy who tried to convert part of his mass into an atomic bomb so he could nuke the Tower, just to get at Snake Eyes. He would've killed hundreds of thousands, most of those innocents, if he'd succeeded.

It went about as well as you'd expect. The Arsenal showed up, ready to cause amounts of property damage even I find excessive in order to get his revenge, my trap goes off and Spider completely screws it up. We all--except Quizzer--get blasted. Quizzer manages to talk the Arsenal down from his rampage and be the big hero. I hit Arsenal when his back is turned because, unlike the Blue Q and Spider, I have enough forsight to know that you don't capture a rapid dog, you put it down.

Then the pain started.

Turns out the Arsenal's armored skin's a bit tougher than I thought it'd be. Of course, I'm in duranium armor and nearly indestructable, so you can imagine the sort of fight the two of us have. I think in the end I roughed him up pretty good, but he did the same thing to me. Eventually, Quizzer took his side and I emergency teleported out of there.

Not sure what happened next but the carnage stopped, so I'm guessing the three heroes came to some accord. Well, two heroes and Arsenal, at any rate. Twenty bucks says this bites Spider in the butt. The worst part is I didn't even get anything out of it save the chance to shoot an antihero in the back. None of the "high profile cargo" were who the logs said they were--all of them were soldiers in costumes and makeup. Rip-off.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

2009-10-15T11:54:00.000-05:00

IT IS FUCKING COLD

Gone Fishing

2009-10-15T09:37:00.002-05:00

Apparently Red Water wants to know what a catfish man tastes like, so we're off fishing today.

Hunting a sapient being in order to feed him to a colleague is pretty evil, right? Right. I feel good about this. Well, I mean, you know what I mean.

Rut

2009-10-15T08:07:00.002-05:00

I really need to get out of my rut. I mean, yeah, I've had a couple successful bank heists, and scrapyard runs, and armored car heists, and Brannigan runs, but still. Is this really all there is? Can't I ever do some serious villainy and actually have a shot at pulling it off without Quizzer or Judy ruining it?

Maybe Hex can help me out with something, get me out of my rut and into some decent villainy. I mean, she's been hanging around anyway, helping with the crying part-god I've adopted. Who is also completely adorable. I just wish it didn't feel like I was taking advantage of her the whole time. Oh well.

I'd attack Brannigan, but it's kind of like kicking a one-legged puppy at this point. Litigation for that whole illegal portal to hell thing's kind of left them broke.

More later if I think of something, as well as what happened with that cruise thing.

Out of the Woodwork

2009-10-13T11:25:00.003-05:00

Wow, Quizzer's getting all sorts of villains these days. I mean, none really compare to yours truly, but still. There's some sorta new gang in town with high-tech weapons. Mostly been hanging around in Southeast, kinda where you'd expect a gang to be. Wierd name though--the Candleflames. Is it just me or does that sound a little...you know..limp-wristed?

Considering their penchant for arson, though, non-threatening as their name may be, they don't seem to be messing around.

Oh well, as long as they respect their place in the villain hierarchy, no reason to go after them.

Still need to talk to Foundress. Maybe I can convince her to leave her wasps behind or something. Anyway, off to the movies. Hopefully Deirdre won't spend the whole time crying.

Heads Up

2009-10-13T08:18:00.003-05:00

Probably no more info about the Cruise Ship stuff until later today at the earliest. Hex and I are going to see a movie in the afternoon and I was thinking about wasting some time playing hypno bubble for a while. Plus, want to spend more time with Deirdre She was apparently really upset and fussy while I was gone.

Oy

2009-10-13T07:30:00.002-05:00

It's been over a week and a still feel like I was hit by a truck. Or, well, you know, like I was a normal person hit by a truck.

Stupid Agent Spider. I really need to get revenge on that guy for dragging me into a sting operation against the bloody Arsenal. It was pretty awesome when Quizzer called him Agent Dickhead, though.

Ow. Hex is offering to give me a backrub and I'd be crazy to turn it down. I'll fill you all in more later.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

2009-10-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

MORE FUN IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

QUIZZER IS A DORK.

TWIITER.COM/QUIZZERHERO

From the Cargo Hold

2009-10-03T08:42:00.004-05:00

Hey guys, this post coming in while I'm on board the ship. Snuck into the cargo hold, and I'm just checking to see if I can find any clues here. Also going over the passenger manifest. I would just take over the ship, but now I'm curious enough that I want to see who the big trap is for. And if it's for someone I don't like, I'd love to see it succeed. Can't get in the way of, say, a Judy trap. Or "Lord" Grim for that matter.

So far not much on either front. Passenger list is a bunch of bigwigs but no one major so far. Only thing I could think of would be someone in general with a problem with Arkady or Brannigan, or any number of other companies. I think there might be a couple Aimwrights on board. They're rich and all, but I can't think of anyone with a grudge against them specifically.

Oh, and I know that two-timing bastard's name. Oh, it's on now.

Holy crap. Rose Collins is on the ship. As in, Barb. What's the most famous corporate spy in the world doing, openly, on a cruise ship? More importantly, does she have her super villain gear with her? If it were a trap for here, she would be here under an alias, unless she knows it's a trap and is trying to flaunt it. But that doesn't make sense either. Spider would've made a move by now.

This cargo is really boring. I've done a few scans of the weapon lockers I can fine, and it's high-caliber stuff, but nothing exciting. A lot of e.m.p.s and armor-piercing bullets. Which makes me suspicious it's a trap for me, but something still doesn't add up.

That Barb's here is really bothering me. Barb plus Aimwrights along with corporate executives worth billions--if not trillions, on an unseasonable trip in an unfashionable area. The ship alone is worth an ungodly amount, even if it was stripped before being sold to a private collector.

Holy crap, how did I miss this on the security cameras? Conner Ferrian, Junior, AKA CJ, AKA my brother, Overdose. I haven't seem him anywhere but his name's on the roster. Maybe he comes later? Maybe he spirngs the trap from above or something?

Okay, let's think. Who's a super villain in the nearby area? I guess if you ignore the great lakes, Snake Eyes isn't too far. But this isn't his style. I mean, the closest major hub is Anarchy Groves in Penn. But this really isn't any of Scarlet Sorceress's villains' style.

Oh crap. I've been thinking about this all wrong. This isn't a trap for a villain. It's a trap for an anti-hero.

Snake Eyes used to be an Aimwright. Or, more accurately, he still is, but publically the family's disowned him. Privately I heard CJ mention everything's hugs and kisses with the relations behind closed doors. Yep, you want the inside scoop, go to a henchman, that's what I've learned. Apparently, the Arsenal suspects this is the case, and he's been breathing down the necks of the Aimwrights trying to get to Snake Eyes. And Barb's tusseled with the Arsenal more than she has with "other" heroes. Hell, she and CJ and the Aimwrights might not even be on the ship in the first place--even if they might have announced their presence earlier or something.

Snake Eyes must've made a deal with Agent Spider to catch his "Menace to Society" arch-nemesis. I mean, everyone knows Spider and the Arsenal don't get along.

So they're trying to catch the Arsenal. Hell. I'm gonna sit this one out. And fortify my base. Because if Arsenal starts fighting, there's going to be a whole lot of destruction. I'll probably call Quizzer and tell him what's going on. Most destructive "hero" ever starts fighting near the city you've sworn to protect, you're probably gonna want a head's up, after all. Plus, it'll be fun to watch him get tossed around if he tries to intervene.

Wait. Why have so many important people on a boat if they're just going to be part of the bait for someone like oh hey when did I get surrounded by soldiers I gotta go.

Hmph

2009-10-01T12:33:00.003-05:00

This guy so doesn't deserve his wife. Hell, he doesn't even deserve the other woman.

As far as I can tell his wife is a saint. She's gorgeous and bends over backwards for the guy, does everything for her, and he still goes off to the other woman. Not only that, but he tells his mistress all sorts of stories about how draconian his wife is. From what I can see, they're one hundred percent false. I really hate people. You give your all for them and what do they do? Stab you in the back first chance they get, that's what.

I mean, I stayed by Judy's side every chance I got. I gave her my freaking pardon! And she betrayed me like the minute she got out of that coma. She was probably thinking about the backstab even before she even got in that accident. Yeah, accident. Screw you, people who insinuate I hit her on purpose. I swear, wouldn't be surprised if you're all accounts made by "Lord" Grim.

Oh, uh, the heist. Right. The whole reason I'm down here. Not yet in progress. Don't give me that look. Something fishy's going on. I passed a Siluriforme shuttle checking out the ship yesterday, and they seemed as clueless as I am. It's obviously a trap for someone--even the incompetent fishmen could see that, and I can't help but to remember the old adage--if you don't know who the sucker is, it's probably you.

More later. And when I get my heist underway, this two-timer's walking the plank.

Complications

2009-09-30T06:38:00.002-05:00

Okay, it's been a day and I haven't attacked the cruise ship yet. There's a good reason, though. It definitely looks like there's some kind of trap set up there for someone. I have no idea who for, yet, exactly. I'm not even sure the people on the ship know, to be completely honest. Agent Spider and the other feds seem pretty into keeping a low profile, though.

In other news, it looks like one of the bigwigs on the ship brought both his mistress and his wife along, without the wife knowing, of course. I'm kind of wondering how long it's going to be before the wife finds out. He's not being as careful as you'd think he would.

Complication

2009-09-29T17:54:00.002-05:00

Well, that was unexpected. Agent Spider's on the boat.

I haven't actually taken over the ship yet, but I'm patched in on all of their security cameras from my minisub. And so far I've seen him converse in hushed tones with several square-jawed people who I'm assuming are also federal agents three or four times.

Gonna have to keep an eye on that. And re-think my plan of attack.

Cruise Ship Update

2009-09-29T04:45:00.002-05:00

The test voyage of Brannigan's new cruise ship starts in a couple of hours. The whole thing's kind of bizarre, though. State of the art cruise ship in the Great Lakes at the beginning of Fall. I have its schematics, and they seem on the level, but the whole thing, now that I think about it, stinks of a trap.

But is it for me? Doubtful. In fact, if it's for anyone I'd wager it's for the Siluriformes. It does have an awful lot of weapons.

Oh well. If it is a trap for them and not terrible planning, or a publicity stunt to showcase its new open-air climate control (i have never seen so many black boxes on an object), doesn't really matter. I'm still going to rob it blind anyway.

Okay, Hex is here. Going to hang out with her for a little bit so she'll feel like a friend and not someone I hand a baby off to.

Foundress

2009-09-27T18:05:00.003-05:00

It's been months and I still haven't gotten ahold of that new girl in New Vineyard, Foundress.

I still maintain that yellow jackets freak me out, but, as Quizzer's Arch Nemesis, I feel that when someone else starts screwing around in his and my city, I should, I dunno, at least talk to her or something. Compare notes, coordinate attacks, something like that. Who knows, maybe she'd want to be in P.A.I.N. Having someone who can control super-wasps would be pretty awesome. Even if they are creepy as hell.

And seriously, hearing Quizzer shout "Oh God, bees!" was hilarious.

She seems pretty mysterious for the most part, though. I mean, she's got to have a reason for mostly going after cosmetics and chemical plants and stuff like that. She seems to have a beef with Arkady too. Hope she's not related to Nuke somehow, that'd be awkward. Well, from the skin her outfit shows, she doesn't look black, so a blood relation's pretty unlikely, and I think Fallout woulda told me if that were the case, but still, you never know.

Oh hey, looks like Hex'd be more than happy to baby sit, score. I'll have to bring her back something nice for taking care of Deirdre. I'm kind of worried that she's not doing enough of her own villainy helping me, though. She says it doesn't bother her, but I know I'm kind of a depressed lump some days when that Judy stuff hits me pretty hard, and she's really good helping me through that, so i can't help but feel I'm holding her back. Oh well.

Gotta plan. Got some serious badguy time in store for this town.

Cruise Ship Peril

2009-09-27T17:31:00.002-05:00

Okay, so there's a cruise ship in the docks just about to make its maiden voyage. Yes, this is going to be around Lake Michigan, I don't see the point either. However, this isn't any ordinary cruise ship, it's a top of the line, all amenities taken care of, state of the art, might as well be a five start resort hotel monstrosity. It has energy weapons and a defensive shield, and a team of state-of-the-art combat androids posing as both crew and random passengers. Only the most wealthy people are going to be on this thing, especially since this is the first run.

I, of course, am going to rob it, hold it and its passengers hostage, etc., etc.

Remember when I made that Brannigan run a while back, right before the Tri-City Takeover? Well, this cruise ship was among the schematics I found. So I know its defenses, its weaknesses, and its entire floor plan. I'm going to take the ship without a fight and use its defenses against any lame hero--most likely my arch-nemesis Quizzer--who tries to stop me.

Now I just need to find a babysitter. I wonder if Hex is free.

Deirdre

2009-09-26T04:03:00.003-05:00

So, Deirdre.

Well, not long after the whole explosive breakup with Judy, Dina and I were settling back into the base when she goes into labor. And, since the father, my "good friend" Captain Visigoth is god only knows where, I had to take the pregnant half-jöttun to the hospital. Let me tell you, they are going to be repairing that maternity ward for a while. I mean, she was in labor for twevle hours at least, and every time she thrashed or kicked with that super strength of hers behind it, something blew up.

At some point I got so tired even the sounds of her destroying the hospital started to lull me to sleep, so I dozed off in like the only remaining chair around.

Now, some of you might be thinking: why didn't you go in there and hold her hand or something? What kind of gentleman are you? Answer: The kind that enjoys having non-broken bones. She's not my wife, I'm not going to put myself in intensive care for her. It kind of feels good to be able to say that without Judy punching me.

Anyway, when I woke up, the doctors were trying to hand me what I could only assume was Dina's baby, saying congratulations in the tone one uses when a gun is pointed at them.

The conversation went something like this:

"I'm not the father."

"The mother threatened us unless we processed her signing over custody to you."

"WTF"

"Sorry man."

In essence, Dina decided she didn't really want a kid either, so she didn't even bother naming her daughter before skipping town. Turns out if your mom's a frost giant, having a kid doesn't slow you down much. So Dina used the only tool she knows--brute force--and got her daughter adopted by me while I was asleep and then took off, probably to try to find her errant husband.

In hindsight, I should have expected something like this after she asked what my signature was like.

So, I named her Deirdre Elizabeth Ferrian, after my grandmother and sister. And because I am both a tool and a doormat, she's now my kid.

Yep, I am now raising a baby that's half Germanic Demigod and a quarter Frost Giant.

I am not looking forward to the Terrible Twos.

But, I mean, it's been alright so far. Sure, she cries a lot but there's a seventy-thirty chance I'm awake anyway at any given time working on something anyway. And she's cute--I can already tell she'll be better looking than either of her parents when she grows up.

And woe to any boy who tries to take advantage of her. I'm already gearing up and excited for when I can threaten people when she's a teenager.

Anyway, I got a couple evil plans cooking up, more on that later.

Haha, Nice

2009-09-24T13:58:00.002-05:00

So, New Vineyard just passed an ordinance that all new buildings in city limits must be earthquake-proofed.

They're doing this solely because of me. I think that's a sign that I've done a job well done as a super villian.

Out to rob a bank and then buy some more diapers for Deirdre.

What Happened With Judy

2009-09-22T15:47:00.003-05:00

Okay, going to start my triumphant return by starting to explain what happened with Judy.

She went completely insane.

Okay, that's not fair to her, and I recognize this, but still. She got out of her coma, put on new battle armor, started calling herself "Scarab" and took over my tri-city takeover. She threw me from an altitude of a few thousand feet! Onto concrete!

And she threw her pregnant friend out of the base, and took it for her own. And she burned most of the stuff she didn't throw out into the bottom of Lake Michigan.

So, as you can probably tell, we so broke up after that.

My first plan was thus--summon the rest of my criminal organization, P.A.I.N--That's Hex, Dionaea, Bruiser, Red Water, Psychosis, and Carrion Beetle--and show her that I'm still New Vineyard's #1 Badguy. Unfortunately, Scarab had my state-of-the-art battle fortress upgraded even further, because she's smarter than me, so not only were the old weaknesses all gone, but she also warded it against magic somehow. Hex thinks that she has some magic know-how now from her time in Hell.

Which lead to me summoning Rakshasa and trying to make a deal with him. I just wanted information, and he just wanted to make an entry into my blog. The info he gave me was...not very helpful. "As you are, army or no, you will never beat Judy."

Turns out, I didn't even need to, which was both disappointing and embarrassing. Quizzer, somehow, managed to take Judy down--without his A-list girlfriend Miss Atom, either. I'm not entirely sure how he managed it, but he picked up one of the battle fortresses with his mind and threw it at the main one. From all accounts, the third then tried to attack the city below but was stopped by the Mississippi Grizzly. God that guy's strong.

In my defense, he probably only managed it because Scarab's attention was fully on fighting Quizzer rather than coordinating an attack. Now, in the past, Quizzer could never even really beat June Bug, so I was kind of surprised when he was on even footing with that new Scarab armor. He hasn't been this strong since that fight, either, so I'm pretty sure it's draining to do so...or maybe he had something boosting his telekinesis. Hmmm.

Anyway, Judy emergency teleported away when it was clear that the Blue Q was going to kick her ass. Then Dina, Hex, and the rest of us made our escape, salvaged what was left of the fortresses, and retreated to my hideout.

I haven't seen much of Judy since, though Scarab has made a few attacks here and there around the country. Probably getting stuff to repair her armor.

I was so into her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

It's not as bad as it could've been, though. I mean, P.A.I.N. are my teammates, but they're my friends too. Hex has been really cool these past few months, helping me out. She's a good friend.

Deirdre's up again, so I have to go perform my fatherly duties. More on why I have a daughter later.

Wow

2009-09-02T02:39:00.003-05:00

Has it really been that long since I've last updated. Sorry about that.

I don't have time to talk now, but I might later today--you know, when the sun's actually up. I'm only up now because someone decided to start crying in the middle of the night.

Oh well, such are the trials of being a single dad and a super-villain.

Pleased to Meet You, Won't You Guess My Name?

2009-06-13T04:53:00.002-05:00

Oh my. It is fun to start a new tradition, isn't it? You'll be seeing more of these in the future. Even though the good Doctor would rather you didn't.

By the way, this is Rakshasa typing. Well, not really typing, per se, but writing in this electric medium nonetheless. Don't worry, I haven't harmed Silas Ferrian in any way--this is all part of a deal we made. He wanted knowledge to help him get his errant paramour back into sway. This was my price--a chance to give a message to all you lovely people.

I want to address something I've been asked a lot--don't worry, I'm sure Silas will be so good about updating this with the summary of that whol messy situation with Judy soon after I've posted this. He's so good about keeping this regularly updated, after all.

Where was I? Ah, yes.

When I was freed from my prison of the bust of the Macedonian office that brought me back, unwittingly, from campaign in India, my future host, henchman of Warlock, asked me, "Are you the Devil?"

My response was simple enough. "Does the Devil know he is the Devil?" Angels have no free will, after all. Did Satan have any part in falling, or was it all orchestrated by Fate? On that vein, do I have any choice in being what I am? I don't know, myself, either answer. I Have Been, I Am, and I Will Be. I remember time beginning, and I Was There. I remember the desire to burn all reality to ash. And from that font came I, the will and power to destroy Universe after Universe until nothing remains. Am I Satan, stripped of Knowledge after the Fall of Man-- an ironic punishment to be sure, or am I simply a force of nature? Oblivion's primal form given Shape, Will, and Intent? I am Evil Incarnate, either way, to be sure. So, therefore, have I ever had a choice in betraying Operation Mayhem in such a way that it made me look good and them look truly evil? Did I ever really have a choice in taking advantage of the desperate longing for power that Rake and Shasta had and giving them an offer they couldn't refuse? Did I have any say in betraying Silas in such a way that he nearly killed the woman he loved?

No, of course not. However, and this is the point I wish to make clear, they, the humans who have released, empowered, assisted, and otherwise aided me have always had a choice. I cannot, through some quirk of my nature, make anyone make a decision, evil or otherwise. You all do that for me. I provided Rake the means, but he was the one to say, "You have my soul to make that so." Of course, it was the poor fool's body I wanted. Which I got more than handily after ripping his soul to tiny pieces and tossing them to the hounds.

The Devil did not make Man fall, he just made it seem like a really good idea.

And with that, I leave you with your regularly scheduled host. And remeber, whatever decision he makes (and it is a truly excellent one), it is his.

Yours,

Rakshasa

THIS IS WHY YOU STAY SINGLE PEOPLE

2009-06-04T23:03:00.002-05:00

Oh my god.

I am so angry right now.

I loved this plan. It was going so well. The heroes couldn't do jack without blood on their hands. All Judy had to do was say she wanted in on it and I would've shared.

Instead, she kicks me out! Dina too! She kicked her pregnant friend out. Lousy June Bug--Excuse me, Scarab.

Yes, that's Judy under the bulky spiky black armor. Apparently, what she 'brought back' wasn't a demon or an interdimensional parasite or anything like that. It was knowledge. And a major attitude problem. Locking me out of my own base. Commandeering my TrEyeumvirate. Beating the tar out of my nemesis.

You know what? She doesn't wanna be a team player? She wants to take everything from the guy who sat beside her bed for months wating for her to wake up? Well, two can play at this game. Yeah, she has my tech, my gear, better equipment, and a much higher IQ than me. Yeah, that angry Scarab armor can kick my ass even armored up. But I have one thing she doesn't.

Backup.

Time to give P.A.I.N. a trial by fire.

Tri-City Takeover

2009-06-03T11:48:00.002-05:00

Oh god I love this plan.

So, as of yesterday, there is an aerial battleship over New Vineyard, and one over Chicago, and one over Detroit. Two are unmanned, and I'm in one of them. If anything happens to any of the ships, the other two start firing. I'm holding three cities for ransom simultaneously! How cool is that?

So far no hero has come forward to challenge me, since millions of lives are at stake here. But Quizzer and Speed Demon sure are fuming impotently at the ships, that much is for certain. I call the battleships my TrEyeumvirate.

I have a couple tons of precious metals at the moment, and more on the way.

Though, to be honest, I'm not enjoying this as much as I should be.

Some time yesterday, Judy came out of the lab (and took a shower, thank god), and said she was going "out" to test out something called "Scarab". I haven't seen her since. However, I have been watching the news. Brannigan's tower, the one in downtown that was built around that portal, has imploded. No sign of explosives or the portal opening, which means it was hit by some kind of gravity bomb--as in, a bomb that released a massive pulse of condensed gravitational flucuations. There's only one person who can do that.

But what is Scarab?

Seriously Guys

2009-05-29T08:40:00.002-05:00

Who builds a second weather machine? Brannigan totally has one right here. It's not a bad design, but still, already went that route. Though that reminds me, I really should do something with what's left of the Eye. Maybe I should assault the city with some kind of mobile battle fortress?

Or maybe...hmmmm....that's not a bad idea. Some top level villainy right there.

Okay, I have work to do. More later as I continue my new plan.

Mwaha haha ha. Hahaha. Mwaha. Haha.

2009-05-27T09:41:00.002-05:00

Oh man that was fun. I'm totally recording the new report on my rampage now. I might transcribe it or link it on youtube after a bit. Besides that self-aware moping moment, I got it, tore up Brannigan labs, and made off with as much tech I didn't recognize as possible.

No parts of the portal generator though. Not that I'd want them, but the Government took all those after investigating it.

Kinda sucks to realize the whole island was probably built so Brannigan could study that portal to hell. I mean, how am I going to top that level of villainy? Intentionally leading civillians to mortal danger solely for scientific reasons. That's cold, man.

Oh well, off to play with my new toys, see if I got any winners. More on the rampage itself a bit later.

HEE HEE HEE

2009-05-27T07:58:00.002-05:00

ALL THIS CARNAGE IS TOTALLY MAKING ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY COLLAPSING RELATIONSHIP GUYS

OH HEY I CAN CHANGE THE TITLE OF CELL UPDATES

2009-05-27T06:34:00.000-05:00

HEE HEE HEE LOOKIT EM BURN HEE HEE HEE

CELLPHONE UPDATE

2009-05-27T05:18:00.000-05:00

HEE HEE HEE I FORGOT HOW MUCH FUN MAYHEM IS HEE HEE HEE

Sorry Guys

2009-05-27T04:09:00.004-05:00

So, I bet you're all wondering where I've been. Well, Judy and I have pretty much non-stop been making our new armors. And mine's, finally, done.

We haven't really been doing it together, though. Judy's kinda sequestered herself away in a private workshop and she's been working without breaks as far as I can tell. But whenever I knock she says she's fine, so I guess she's fine. Room's not airtight and it's starting to smell, though. She should probably take a break for a shower or to throw out those old Cup Noodle bowls or something.

You know, this is actually pretty good timing. Quizzer's had his hands full, what with Siluriformes and Nuke and Mechanor and that new girl Foundress (need to get in contact with her, but yellow jackets kind of freak me out.) as well as finals to really have the energy to deal with me. And since the Government finall shut down that Brannigan lab with the demon portal in it before they could remove stuff...I think it's time to go on a five finger discount shopping spree.

And I know for a fact Quizzer was up late last night. Doctor Cataclysm: 1, Quizzer's Twitter: 0

Hex Update

2009-05-06T17:36:00.002-05:00

No word from Hex about Judy, besides her saying, "Whenever someone says that after they've been out of it, it can't be good."

Judy's been home, but she's spending most of her time in the workshop, making new armor. She isn't really talking to me and doesn't want me seeing what she's making. Oh well.

The rest P.A.I.N. is coming over to play Mario Kart and stuff tonight. Maybe I'll invite her out for it.

Okay

2009-05-04T20:11:00.003-05:00

Something odd's going on.

When I got the news Judy was out of her coma, I rushed right to the hospital. I only paused to send that update to my blog. By the time I arrived, however, Judy had been placed in isolation.

My demands to see her didn't go so well. According to the doctors, after the initial woozy period, Judy started shrieking her head off and panicking. She was strapped down to keep her from hurting herself or pulling something loose while she calmed down. It took hours for her to calm down. When she finally did, I got to see her.

Yes, me, a nearly seven foot tall super-human, was scolded by a middle-aged nurse into not going to see Judy during that time. Shut up.

When I saw her, she was in bed, staring at the window. When I tried to meet her gaze, she turned to face the hall. When I went around the other side of the bed, she faced the window again.

I told her I'd missed her, that I loved her, that I'd been here almost every day since she was hurt.

She didn't speak. There was a long, long silence, until she said, "I brought something back with me."

I didn't get a chance to grill her further, as the nurse chased me out then, saying she should be alone for observation, given her violent reaction.

What does that even mean? Did her soul go somewhere while she was out or something? That's sounds like magic to me, or something like it. Better ask Hex when I get the chance. Hope I can see Judy more soon.

This Can't Be Good

2009-05-04T18:35:00.002-05:00

Judy's first words when I saw her were, "I brought something back with me."

More later when this makes more sense.

CELLPHONE UPDATE

2009-05-03T18:21:00.000-05:00

SHE'S AWAKE

That Bastard!

2009-04-24T17:01:00.004-05:00

"Lord" Grim is trying to start his own supervillain group. He's trying to get the rights to P.A.I.N. before we do. That son of a bitch.

He's just doing this because he doesn't like me. I think Red Water might try to eat him some time over the weekend. Good. Hope he succeeds.

Am I writing that because it's going to happen or just to screw with Grim in case he reads this? That's for me to know and him to find out. Bon appetit, Red.

Besides Lord Annoying, things are going pretty well with the creation of P.A.I.N. They're going pretty well in general, actually, despite the fact that Judy's not up yet--and, even then, she's had a few more mumbled words and half-awake moments in the past few days.

Rakshasa sent me a letter of congratulations. Either that means he's already back in the physical world, or his magic lets him screw with me across dimensional barriers.

Oh, and I managed to salvage quite a few pieces of Siluriforme tech. Some of it will prove useful with armor 3.0. Despite what improvements I make, I might just make it look like 2.0. I liked the look, and no one really expects armor that looks exactly like the old stuff to be that much better. That, and I don't want the pictures of me on CapeWiki to be that much more out of date.

One last bit of news--Brannigan's under investigation for having an unregistered demonic portal in their labs. Haha. Suckers.

And Now, We Return You to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

2009-04-18T12:40:00.002-05:00

So, Siluriformes are attacking the city right now with giant mechanical fishmen. I think I might record this. It's pretty good. I can see Quizzer fighting them from the hospital window. Gotta remember to salvage some of the pieces from the mechafish a bit later. I've been wondering what Siluriforme tech was like.

Judy sorta woke up yesterday. She said a few words and then passed out again. Something like "I hate hospitals". That's supposed to be a good sign. She was at least aware of her surroundings for a few seconds. Doctors are saying she should completely come out of it within the week.

Ouch, that's going to leave a mark. I hope they don't come closer to the hospital, I don't really feel like getting involved. Quizzer can handle this. He's the "big hero" after all.

Oh, by the time I came back? Dina Might's started to redecorate my base. She still can't get ahold of Captain Visigoth--personally, I think he's in Mexico doing body shots off of strippers and kind of in general being himself.

A Year In Retrospective

2009-04-14T10:57:00.004-05:00

So, in eleven days, I will have been doing this blog for a year. It's been a crazy year.

Weather machines, fishmen, unfortunate accidents, giant molten fathers, weddings, pregnancies, demonic presidents, giant conspiracies, love, loss....man. I hope every year's not like this.

Here's to hoping for a better year.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Me and some of the others--namely, Dionaea, Hex, Bruiser, Psychosis, Carrion Beetle, and Red Water--are starting our own little group of villains. Nothing tightly packed or anything, but we worked well together, so we decided to make something official. In honor of how we met, we're naming it P.A.I.N. (still doesn't mean anything). Lady Anaconda's already sent me a letter saying she was pleased with my success in fighting Rakshasa. Not that I'd join Op Mayhem. But still, that's pretty awesome.

And it seems like they want me to be the leader. That I'm less thrilled about but, hey, if they think I did a good job I might as well take the role.

...I was going to write something about something else, but it's slipped my mind completely. You'll see why, though.

I'm talking to Mechanor on instant messenger right now, and I asked it why it went to me when it needed a tuneup. I mean, there are plenty of mechanically inclined villains out there, right?

Apparently, Mechanor was built by a Ferrian. As in, someone with my last name. And apparently, it's a descendant of me.

He said something else too. Supposedly...um...before this time next year.

Before this time next year, according to Mechanor, I'm going to be a father. This could just be faulty wiring. God knows it wouldn't be the first time, but still.

So much for an uneventful year.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 3

2009-04-14T01:24:00.002-05:00

Okay okay okay. It's time to finish this. Sorry. Some things have come up.

Very, very interesting things that I'll talk about tomorrow, or maybe after I've finished this (finally).

So, total tally of the manpower we had--assorted second-rate heroes and villains, more third rate heroes and villains, and one of the heavy hitter, all-powerful heroes that was drained of the lion's share of her power, and getting weaker all the time. It was clear we had to act fast, before Double S was drained completely, and it was going to be paramount that we get her book back.

Hex had the reasonably good idea of what little magic type people we had channeling their powers into Scarlet Sorceress. I like Hex--she thinks of things like that. Not every villain there was a complete idiot. I'm glad she's one of the people trying to start the current craziness.

Bah, anyway, plan was simple--our magic type people boost her, the rest keep the demon hordes busy, and help out as we can. In other words, we were going to be on the sidelines during the real fight. A lot of people--mostly heroes, but some villains, didn't really care for this. They seemed to think this was their chance to make a difference, and here they were sitting on the bench during the big fight.

As someone who had personally faced off against Rakshasa's demons, I assured them that we'd be seeing plenty of chances to make a difference.

Chances to make a difference. Yes, I said that. It still makes me feel dirty. I mean, yeah, Rakshasa taking over the world, major league bad thing for everyone except Rakshasa. But my primary motivation in this was not to save the world. It was revenge, pure and simple.

We traveled quickly to D.C., and on the way we picked up a couple more heroes, including Agent Spider, who was looking rather displeased that all this had managed to elude him. When I told Jack Knife that a few weeks ago, he couldn't stop laughing.

We got all the villains we were going to get. Many of those had also, at some point in the past, been betrayed by or had a grudge against Rakshasa. Hex, for instance, used to be a henchman for Warlock. Fun fact--Rakshasa's first body in recent times, it turns out, was a henchman for Warlock. Rakshasa knocked him from an A-list villain to a B- or C-lister before finally killing Warlock about ten years ago.

The new feeds, the videos, from those crazy bastards who decided to sneak into D.C. with a camera when they heard a big fight was going to happen, didn't cover half of how disturbing it was. D.C. is still a class three magical disaster zone. There wasn't an official reading before the fight, but the number scale wouldn't have given it justice.

Hell on Earth was more accurate. The buildings looked like they had tumors. The trees were lashing out at us and I'm positive they had teeth. Dionaea had a really tough time there. She told us "everything was screaming".

I'm sure everyone's seen the picture by now of the White House with that big brambly mouth tree-thing growing out of it, of the throne in the center of it, and of Rakshasa sitting there, Scarlet Sorceress's book in his lap. The clearest picture was taken from my mask's camera.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The Lincoln Bedroom is under renovations." Rakshasa said as he flew forward, the book falling away and hanging from his belt by a chain. "I'm afraid you'll have to rest out here in stead."

Demons started pouring from the woodwork, including one hideous giant, big, lumbering, teeth too big for its mouth, and when it roared its head almost folded in half.

"I'm afraid I'm busy with matters of foreign policy." Rakshasa said with a feral grin. "My vice president, Mr. Shasta, will be more than happy to accommodate you."

"Quizzer?"
"Cataclysm?"
Simultaneous--"You take the big guy."

That fight was not a fun one. Quizzer and I versus the mutated demonic vice president. He was stronger than hell, and way faster than he should have been. I know most press was watching Scarlet Sorceress fight Rakshasa at the time, so no one quite knew what happened in that last fight. Well, we weren't doing so well--Quizzer was pelting him with masonry, I was hitting him with force blasts, plasma fire, but no good. We both got smacked through priceless pieces of our nation's history on more than one occasion, and his claws sliced almost straight through my Duranium armor like it was nothing.

It was my brilliance that saved us. I'm so proud of this. I re-wired my emergency teleporter while Quizzer kept Shasta busy. Then I overloaded it to teleport Shasta into the air above the Washington Monument. And remember, my teleporter isn't designed for normal living people to use it. It couldn't absorb or bleed off any of the energy that was put through his system, so that messed him up pretty bad. And then Quizzer used his powers to pull the demon down faster than he'd normally fall. That was a mess, but hey, I managed to impale the demonic vice president with the Washington Monument. Go me.

Of course, my main power source kind of overloaded then. God that stung. I liked that armor, too. New stuff's coming along alright, though.

Back on topic. We downed Shasta-monster. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, even though I had to eject my armor. Then we saw the Scarlet Sorceress, Hex, and the rest of the magic-users collapse.

"Oh, it seems I forgot to mention something. I've found a way to siphon power from the book, Sorceress. No only are my soldiers destroying this world, but I have also made myself the magical focus for the entire planet." Rakshasa said, eyes opening up all over him, and his body going amophous for just a moment before he suddenly looked exactly like the Scarlet Sorceress. "My own bane is now my source of power. Really, this was an impressive show of force, but all in vain. I am now a god."

This was cut a bit short when a green, glowing "whip" of energy went around Rakshasa's "neck" and, before he could do anything about it, flung him into and through an exterior wall of what was left of the White House.

And behind him were Lady Anaconda, Death's Head, and their nemeses, Conflagration and Knight Watch.

And I'm sorry, but wow. Lady Anaconda. Woah. Granted, that skimpy green dress doesn't put much to the imagination on purpose, but damn.

Rakshasa didn't stay down for long, though. He was out of the wreckage in his normal form almost immediately after that, tentacles whipping and writhing behind him.

"Oh, a reunion. I hate reunions. Especially old pawns come back to play, drunk on their own self-importance." Rakshasa growled. "But at least you two save me the trouble of tracking you down and killing you myself."

Okay. He's my arch-nemesis, yeah. He dresses goofy, and has a lame name. But Quizzer is the man. He's...it's hard for me to write this, but Quizzer is definitely good. We wouldn't have won, or not won so easy, without him.

Because while Rakshasa was fuming at Lady Anaconda, Quizzer was using his telekinesis to unhook Scarlet Sorceress's book and float it back to her. An eye opened up on his side at a moment too late for Rakshasa to notice in time.

He made the standard villain cry of "NOOOOOOOO!" Then Double S grabbed her book and look ten years younger and a whole lot more energetic. Then Rakshasa melted away into a mass of eyes and tentacles the size of the White House and the real battle started.

I spent most of the fight on the sidelines blasting him. I'll be the first to admit it. Quizzer and I and most of P.A.N.I.C. weren't the main focus of this fight--that was for Scarlet, Anaconda, DH, Con, and KW. But still, I had my moments, like when I opened up a crack in the ground beneath it and caused it to completely miss with an energy blast from its eyes.

We sent him back to Hell. All of us. And there were a lot lost on both sides that day, hero and villain. Mostly the idiots. But still, they gave their lives to save the world. Or at least the US, though I'm pretty sure, with as many open portals as he had, Rakshasa would have been able to take the whole globe. He pretty much had all of north and central America before we stopped him.

With enough of a beating, and a banishing spell, though, his reign of terror was over. Rakshasa gave up the battered and broken body of Jonathan Rake before he fell through the portal back to the demon world, screaming out plans for revenge on all of us all the while. Many of his demons were pulled with him, including some of those funky trees--not the one ganshing at us from the White House, though. Dionaea and Mandragora handled that bastard on their own after things started to wind down.

After that, we wanted to have a big party, but things needed to be put in order first. Clearing out the remaining demons, closing the portals, fixing D.C. We all were supposed to get pardons, but I gave mine to Judy. So she'll be safe in the hospital without having to worry about her waking up and getting carted to jail or St. Toluca's.

And then we did have a big party. Huge, in fact. It was a great time.

And then I came back home to New Vineyard.

Beating Rakshasa didn't save Judy. She's still in a coma. My armor was sundered. My arch-nemesis is hero of the hour.

The world is safe. I had my revenge.

So why does it feel like nothing's really changed?

Oh Sweet

2009-03-28T01:48:00.002-05:00

Obama's going to be the guy replacing Rakshasa as president. Sweet! Only non-crooked politician to come out of Illinois since that cybernatic clone of Lincoln. Why is it stuff like that only happened in the 90's anyway?

I dunno, though. We've never had a Hawaiian President before. Knowing our luck he's going to sell us out to some volcano god or a giant shark or something.

Oh well. If he does, let a hero deal with it. I did my good deed of my career. No way am I dealing with P.A.N.I.C. again if I can help it.

I only wish they'd stop calling me. Don't they know I have important bedside moping to do?

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 2

2009-03-23T12:46:00.004-05:00

So. Many of you are probably wondering what happened next.

Honestly, I've been having a hard time thinking of how to write it down or put it on "paper". Guess it's writer's block or something. Cut me some slack. I spend most of my day at the hospital waiting for my girlfriend to get out of a coma.

I'll finish it up some time this week. I promise. I just need a bit more time to clear my head and stuff and figure out how I'm going to write up events so chaotic. Even I don't know everything that happened, and I was there.

Eh, while I'm typing I might as well advance the narrative a bit. It'll give me something to do while the chances Judy's ever going to wake up dwindle.

So, knocking on the Scarlet Sorceress's door was pretty much a bust. No one answered, but we--and by we I mean Quizzer and I, as everyone else scattered to try to find more members--noticed that lights were on, car was in driveway, and the door was unlocked. In fact, it wasn't even completely latched.

So, being the only sensible people in P.A.N.I.C, we suited up and cautiously walked inside rather than burst in as was suggested over our cell phones by some of our "colleagues".

I'll spare you the disgusting details of what we found, but suffice it to say that the Sorceress was encased in some demonic booger webbing and being guarded by rather ugly demons that I still feel like throwing up when I remember.

The fight was over pretty quick and no, not in the good way for us. I mean, we won, but just barely, and largely because Quizzer and I, rather than attack the demons, attacked the coccoon. Once free, the Sorceress made quick work of them.

Yes, I was saved by a girl. Shut up.

Well, saved isn't quite the term, because before she could really regain her thoughts she snared us in some weird magic ribbon and demanded to know who we were. Then we explained why we were there and what was going on. I'd like to say we did this calmly and rationally, but no such luck. We were both afraid she was going to nuke us or turn us into rabbits or something. Of course, had we known then she was having trouble with her magic, we would have been a bit calmer.

Apparently, after surprising and incapacitating her, Rakshasa took Scarlet Sorceress's magic book. You know, the one you always see her with? Key to her powers, apparently, which is why she couldn't just break through. Rakshasa didn't kill her because for one, he (eww) seems to have a thing for her and two, apparently if the person who has the book dies it just picks another person.

The Sorceress let us go then, and we brought her back to P.A.N.I.C. (and no, doesn't stand for anything) and then planned our big assault on Rakshasa. That's where, literally, all hell broke loose, I got a little bit of revenge, and this whole thing got tied up, finally.

Except for...

On That Video

2009-02-27T16:25:00.004-06:00

Yes. That YouTube Video of me and Quizzer in our Skivvies doing that "dance to that Daft Punk song with writing on us" thing is not fake. We were drunk at the party after beating Rakshasa, and Miss Atom and Fallout bet we couldn't do it. For being completely wasted we didn't do such a bad job, either.

And, on that note, the Video of Miss Atom and Fallout doing the "dance to that Daft Punk song with writing on them" thing in their skivvies is also not fake. And a lot more popular on YouTube than Quizzer and I doing it. That's a shock. Two hot female superhumans dancing more popular than two reasonably attractive male superhumans dancing.

Side note: Quizzer is totally dating Miss Atom now. Did not see that coming at all.

That's all for now. I'm off to visit Judy again. When I get back later tonight I'll work on continuing to explain how we managed to beat Rakshasa. Maybe I'll even finish it.

P.A.N.I.C. If You Know What's Good For You, Part 1

2009-02-25T14:35:00.002-06:00

The first meeting of P.A.N.I.C. was utter chaos.

We had villains and heroes and nemeses and sideliners and second string and third string and even a couple fourth string (Sorry Badger, but you know it's true) all mixed up together. That we accomplished anything, let alone actually beat Rakshasa, surprises me even still.

Even when the heroes with rivalries could band together, there was only one hero talking to one villain. That was Quizzer and I, who were both adding Sports-Announcer style coverage to the bitchfights both sides were getting in. I might post some highlights later.

But when both sides stopped fighting, more or less (granted, the villain side never really stopped infighting), the heroes all looked to me expectantly, like, 'Well, aren't you going to get them settled?' And, thus, the heroes made me de-facto leader and spokesperson for the villains in P.A.N.I.C.

Which was kind of like hearding cats armed with high explosives and resentment. You see, we villains are a very egotistical people. The only reason I had as much success as I did was the fact that several of my ex-girlfriends were in the group and we tended to part on relatively good terms. So Dionaea and Icicle and Fallout managed to step up my intimidation a bit. I was also friends with a couple of them, so Jack Knife and Mechanor helped in that department. That still left me with a baker's dozen badguys to get quiet and stop bickering. Long story short, it turns out my bracers are an effective crowd pacification tool if I 'accidentally' put them on 'slightly' higher a setting than I intended and they 'accidentally' go off. (replace accidentally and slightly with put dispersion and power on max, and the second accidentally with held down the trigger for ten seconds)

I asked Mechanor why he was here. His response was "Mechanor was here. Therefore, Mechanor is here." Which I take it to mean, in history, he comes back in time to P.A.N.I.C. Which, if he knows that, why the hell did the scientists get surprised when he went back in time in the first place? And if he knows his schemes are going to fail, why does he even try them?

He responded with a red velvet cake. It's possible that maybe I didn't remove the baked goods subroutine while repairing him. Don't give me that look. Free cakes and pies! I'd be a fool to turn them down.

Anyway, sorry, back on task. So, I was made spokesperson for a bunch of self-obsessed and psychotic whiners while we discussed the best method for beating down Rakshasa and taking back the country. I'd like to say we thought up a daring plan to save everything and neutralize his magic and kick his furry eldritch butt back to the demon world. But really we just argued until we decided to try to find the Scarlet Sorceress.

Which was easier said than done. Remember, she went missing a day or two before the inauguration. Which meant she was probably in Rakshasa's hands. Not even Clairvoyant Lass could get a good bead on her (don't even get me started on her. we had to call her by the full name every time or she got huffy). P.A.N.I.C. didn't really have a magic type person strong enough to find her that way, either. If we had a sorcerer strong enough to break Rakshasa's magic, we wouldn't really need Scarlet Sorceress.

And then Quizzer gave the fatal idea, the one that would rock P.A.N.I.C. to the core and eventually lead us to victory of Rakshasa.

"Has anyone tried going to her house and knocking?"

Oh. Look at the date.

2009-02-14T16:26:00.001-06:00

I didn't even realize it was Valentines. I didn't even realize it was Febuary.

I had so many plans for Judy and I for Valentines. So many things I wanted to do. So many places I wanted to take her.

Right now, all I want for Valentines is for her to wake up.

Oh. Hey.

2009-02-14T14:54:00.003-06:00

I haven't really had time to update. With all that planning the fight and then taking down Rakshasa, I was a bit drained.

I haven't really left Judy's bedside since after the big fight and I haven't been able to concentrate enough for a decent post.

When maybe I'm feeling a bit better, maybe later tonight, I'll write my side of what happened with Rakshasa. It might feel better to get it out.

P.A.N.I.C. and the Crisco

2009-01-25T14:23:00.004-06:00

I have been here nearly a week and we have still accomplished nothing.

When Quizzer hyjacked my mole machine while I was unconscious, he dragged me all the way out to an old abandoned missile silo in Pennsylvania or something, where he had gotten a message that super-powered folks were meeting. Apparently, a lot of minor super heroes and villains got the message too.

And when we were all assembled, demons started pouring from the woodwork. Quizzer never questioned who actually sent that message.

Luckily, I was awake at the time, and we managed to route the ambush with only a few casualties. Which is a miracle, because half the time we were tripping over each other trying to do something.

And when the fighting was over, they turned to Quizzer and I and said, "What are we going to do now?"

Well, okay, it was a bit more varied and vulgar than that, but you get the idea. Suddenly we were expected to solve this whole mess.

So we've formed a gigantic superhero-villain team-up that someone had the bright idea to name P.A.N.I.C. and no, that doesn't actually stand for anything. I'm just thankful for the Crisco Laws right now. Maybe something good can come out of this horrible situation

Cricso Laws, for those of you who don't speak super villain--if a super criminal saves or helps save the world, they're eligible for a full pardon. Ironically enough, this law is from the first time Rakshasa nearly destroyed everything.

Speaking of P.A.N.I.C., we're about to have another "meeting", so I'll write more later.

The Story Thus Far

2009-01-21T12:12:00.003-06:00

Judy and I had an argument right before the inauguration. She didn't see what I was so worried about, if there was a truce with Rakshasa.

So she stormed off and I went to follow her. I saw the inauguration like people see important things in movies--from tvs in a store window.

Then there was a big rumbling and I realized that there might've been an alterior motive for Brannigan building this island where it did. Say, maybe there was a transdimensional rift right here. Maybe a few hundred feet in the air. Something like that would be an excellent power source.

Unfortunately, when it opens to Hell, that means when Rakshasa opens up all the portals to Hell, that a monster born from nightmare a couple hundred feet tall and about that wide crashes through it. The Brannigan Building exploded, which caused a lot of damage, but the massive wall of pustulant flesh that oozed from its wreckage that was the real problem.

I caught up with Judy right then, and before either of us could say anything, an eye the size of a mini-mart opened in the center of the oozing thing's mass, centered on us, and fired an eye beam.

I pushed Judy out of the way and took the whole thing myself. It really, really hurt, and knocked me through a bank, which right now I realize is so ironic it hurts, but it was fortunately just a force beam and not a demon laser or hellfire or anything. I think Judy called out my name, but I didn't quite catch it, because before I could completely collect myself, she teleported her armor to her and shot towards the thing.

And a pseudopod of flesh formed and batted her away like she was actually a June Bug. She landed with a heavy thump-crash that knocked her through several layers of pavement. By this time, I could see Quizzer throwing the wreckage of the Brannigan Building at the demon with his mind.

Now, I was pissed, so I turned my right bracer all the way up, into a focused blast. The focused blast is that thing that the old Doc used on American Steel to actually hurt him, it's essentially taking the full power of an earthquake compressed into one small point.

So I turned it up as far as I could, pointed it at the demon, and fired, and right at that moment, right at that very moment, June Bug shot up in between me and the demon, right in the path of the blast. I didn't know, I didn't have time.

It hit her and she had her gravity distortion up as high as it could go so when it hit her she flew forward like a bullet and smashed straight through its body, from eye out the back and it deflated or something and melted but I wasn't paying attention I was just running and trying to find her.

Okay. Took a couple minutes to calm down.

We found Judy in lake Michigan. Her armor was a bit warped. The doctors say we got her out just in time. They're confident she'll wake up. Probably.

I should be there with her instead of here.

Ugh, but, there's one more part to this.

At her bedside, I said, "Rakshasa!" And he showed up. Or, at least an image of him.

"Oh dear. A bit of a mess, isn't it?" He said, looking out the window at New Vineyard.

"We had a deal. I don't try to stop you, my friends and family go unharmed." I snarled at him, in my rage, nbot quite registering that I was snarling at Rakshasa.

"Well, yes, and that deal still applies. I have done nothing to harm you and yours." He replied. "Do you suppose all those buildings were insured?"

"That demon chose me as the first target."

"Oh, you wanted to make deals with all the demons in Hell as well?" He said, finally turning to me. "Because that is a horse of a different color. I agreed I would not harm them when the world was bathed in hellfire, but I can't speak for every single demon out there. I am President now, therefore I cannot hold another political office, so, while the invasion is in progress, I am no longer King of Demons. Once I have destroyed this world, all of your friends and family will be safe but, until then, I hold no sway over them, officially."

I would have wanted to punch that smile off his face if it wasn't so damn creepy.

"Ah, there's that look of horrible realization. Rake had it, Shasta had it, that Greek soldier I first possessed had it...essentially, everyone I have ever made a deal with, really." Rakshasa grinned even wider. "Oh, if only I had a camera every time I saw someone's face like that. And yes, I may have let slip that your friends and family will be unable to be killed after this point, when I regain my throne, so they may be out for you and yours specifically, but, well, you know how gossip spreads. Oh, no, I was mistaken. THAT is the expression I want to have photographed every time. Well, I have important world-destruction to do and I am sure you will be busy trying to defend your loved ones from this new horrid revelation." An eye opened on his shoulder which glanced down at Judy. "I do hope you are every bit as successful with that as you have been today."

Then he disappeared and Dina knocked me out when I was arguing that I should stay.

And now I'm at a collection of third and second-rate superheroes and villains, wondering where the first stringers are and trying not to kill each other in the process.

I'm sure this will all end up great.

The Speech

2009-01-20T15:59:00.004-06:00

Just in case you didn't get a chance to see it before the world started to end, here's Jonathan Rake's Innaugural Address. And, oh, when he was sworn in, he didn't use a copy of the bible.

Rake started the speech by laughing maniacally.

"I apologize. For a long time, I have dreamed of this moment. Frankly, I am a bit overwhelmed.

I want to thank you, the people of the United States of America, and the people of the world itself, for making the office of President what it is today. In its first incarnation it was meant as a balanced figure, not a leader but, rather, a manager, the face behind the law the other branches create and enforce.

But you, you the people have made it so much more. The President is a symbol of freedom. "The Leader of the Free World", people have called the possessor of this office. You, and the traditions of the nation, and how other nations view this land, have made the office of President so much more than it was intended, perhaps not the leader in the letter of the law, but very much so in the spirit.

And, it turns out, the spirit is all I need."

Then he turned into his weird tiger-headed form and the screaming started.

"It was so easy to manipulate you all. Give you something too good to be true and like sheep you never questioned if it was.

Much like Rake, really. I gave him a chance to be in power. He realized he was too much of a nice guy. Nice guys never really make it in American politics. They end up building houses for the poor, all but forgotten and abandoned for the cutthroat, the ruthless. And if it makes you all feel better he regrets what he promised me for this chance.

Oh, I should get on to business before someone tries to stop me."

His tentacles formed and lashed out and killed all the guards who had been rushing to him.

"As I was saying, I am now leader of this country. I own all of the government-owned land, all of the borders, everything. In your perspective, anyway. I now am the symbol of this nation as much as the flag. I am the face the United States presents to the world.

And, as my first act as President, I declare that all portals to the Demon World, all those government owned and protected areas of land, be opened. Now."

He "smiled" then much wider than he should have been able to.

"Now, if the band could start playing 'Hail to the Chief', that would be lovely."

He didn't keep his word, I'm not going to keep mine.

He's going down.

It's Begun

2009-01-20T12:59:00.002-06:00

It's been about two hours since Rakshasa put his plan into motion.

Demons are rampaging across the country. Heroes and villains alike have answered the call to stopping them.

And there's already been a casualty.

The doctors are swamped, but they told me she'll probably wake up some day. They don't know exactly when, but they're sure she'll wake up.

It's all my fault. It's my fault. She flew in front of me and I didn't have time to stop my bracer. I didn't.

The wave just hit her and the demon. If only I could have acted faster. I should have been able to act faster.

Quizzer's telling me a bunch of heroes and villains and stuff are meeting somewhere out east to figure out how we're going to deal with this and we should probably get moving fast. But I don't want to leave her here. Not undefended. I mean, Dina's offering to stay behind and watch her but I'm the one who put her in a coma it's my responsibilit

Hey, this is Quizzer. Dina just knocked Doc C out. He'll write again when he wakes up and we're on our way.

Not long now

2009-01-20T00:09:00.002-06:00

I can't sleep. I really can't. It's time. I mean, it's nearly time, less than a day.

Judy isn't worried. She's sleeping soundly.

What should I do? What should I have done? How will I be remembered after all this is over with? The coward who did nothing while the world burned?

...I need a drink.

This Old Secret Lair

2009-01-16T04:39:00.002-06:00

It's really not as hard to convert part of a secret lair into a nursery as one might believe. Though it is pretty time consuming. Especially when the mother to be wants a specific brand for everything in her nursery. And guess what? It's all really expensive things that have to be stolen. Well, they don't have to be, but I am a supervillain. No way am I actually gonna buy a thousand dollar crib.

And, of course, the tabloids have taken this opportunity to question whether I'm the one whose child is being born, since I've suddenly gone on a big baby-stuff stealing binge.

Which, rumor-wise I kinda prefer to the truth of the fact that I'm just supremely whipped.

But, after battling various superheroes and traveling across the nation, Dina's nursery of doom is complete. Now I get to sit back and relax.

...or I would if the inauguration wasn't tuesday at noon.

God damn it. Oh well, that was a nice distraction, at any rate.

Of Course.

2009-01-01T16:20:00.002-06:00

This is just my life.

This is how my life goes.

I spend all new years eve fighting with my nemesis against a crazy man made of nuclear fire rather than drinking and hanging out with my friends because I'm too much of a softy to let Nuke rampage around town when I know he's looking for me.

Then I come home at five in the morning and find the place trashed, Captain Visigoth gone, and Dina sobbing heavily while Judy comforts her. I tried to ask what was wrong, and Dina punched me.

Apparently, my old friend Captain Visigoth knocked her up. She told him this after the ball dropped and he took it poorly. As in, he ran as fast as he could away from her.

And Judy and Dina are such good friends so of course Judy would come to me and tell me--not ask me--that Dina's going to be staying with us until she gets back on her feet. Because "this is a hard time and I know you'll be understanding about this Silas. Won't you?"

God I'm whipped.

Darnit

2008-12-31T16:32:00.002-06:00

I had a night of drinking and hanging out planned. Everyone's been on such good behavior and most of them are leaving tomorrow so I thought, hey, new years party.

And then Nuke had to go ahead and ruin it by attacking New Vineyard. And apparently Quizzer "needs" my help.

Ug. I hope I can get this over with before the drinking was scheduled to commence. Why can't this guy just bother someone else?

Oh, right, He's flippin' crazy.

More later.

Finally, Some Peace

2008-12-28T21:01:00.004-06:00

Or, at least, until Lock, Load, Dina, Judy, and Eliza get back from the beer run. I swear at least one of them is probably not coming back alive.

Which leaves me and the guys and Mechanor. I never thought that C.J. and Captain Visigoth would be the peaceful, less rambunctious group.

Though Captain Visigoth is mostly being quiet because Jack and his boyfriend make him a bit uncomfortable. Which I think is kinda hilarious. I'm a little worried about Jack's boyfriend, though. I mean, yeah, Jack's a badass assassin/burglar, but Ricky's a bank teller (go on, guess how they met). I'm afraid Dina Might might forget and do something violent and fatal. Or maybe "forget" is the better term. Not to mention Eliza, though she's been on pretty good behavior lately. I think maybe the Angel is more in charge than she is right now.

Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, yeah, she's less murderous, but, it's still my little sister.

God, is C.J. throwing up again? What the fuck is he drinking, listerine?

Anyway, Captain Visigoth is calling me out on typing on the laptop rather than socializing, so I'd better go before he introduces his warhammer to my computer. Another damage report later.

This Is What I Have to Deal With

2008-12-28T14:27:00.002-06:00

Load - "Hey, slutbag, that's my cream cheese."

Lock - "The fuck it is. I took it out for my bagel. It's mine."

Load - "Fuck you! You had your bagel like a fucking hour ago! It's my turn to use the goddamn cream cheese!"

Lock - "Oh, yeah, sorry, my mistake." *opens the cream cheese tub and licks a swath of it out"

Load - "That's...you're fucking disgusting, you know that?"

Lock - "Guess it's mine now, bitch."

Insert violence.

Seriously, they're like this all the time. Not to mention, remember, that this is my house and my cream cheese they're violating. Unless it was the fat free stuff, I don't remember. In that case it's Judy's, which means I'm going to have to keep her from suiting up and attempting to pummel Lock and Load...again.

Oh well, gonna go force C.J. to take a shower. More if I survive this madness.

It's A Madhouse!

2008-12-26T00:55:00.003-06:00

Okay.

I haven't been posting, but this time I have a good reason.

You seem I was right, C.J. did show up.

But that's not all.

My "good friend" Captain Visigoth sent out a bunch of invitations for a big Christmas get-together. Which is cool. The uncool part? He kinda set it for my place without asking or telling anyone that he didn't have my permission.

So, as we speak, my brother, my sister, Lock, Load, Mechanor, Jack Knife and his boyfriend, Captain Visigoth, Dina Might, Fallout, in addition to Judy and I, are all crashing in my lair for god knows how long. I've had to take care of them and get groceries and prevent Lock and Load from goading Judy into a fight and stop Eliza from killing everyone and I haven't really had the time to sit down in between all that making Christmas Dinner, the fact that Mechanor brought the fruitcake nonwithstanding.

It was some seriously excellent fruitcake, by the by. I'm not normally a fruitcake kinda guy, but that was some nice stuff.

God, it sounds like C.J.'s gotten into the wine again. I'd better go be bad cop and cut him off before I have to hold his hair back while he pukes and keep Eliza from hatcheting him while his back is turned. More on this wondrous holiday season later.